Day 1 - How I “should” be Vs. reality

The "7 year journey to life" project has been going on for about 2 week and up till now I have been reluctant to start my participation. From day 3  I have been “thinking” about joining but not actually doing the physical step to join – which is to simply start writing.

A major part of my process thus far has been to resist writing self forgiveness and for three years now I have managed to give myself excuses and justifications to not write or apply self forgiveness. Though, within not writing or applying self forgiveness I have allowed myself to exist within and as self judgment, judgement which i have justified to myself for not writing and pushing myself. So it’s been a constant struggle of self abuse based on myself not allowing myself to push through the resistance and then judging myself for not supporting myself through writing – IT’S TIME TO STOP!!!

A prominent excuse to not applying self forgiveness has been the belief I am incapable of writing effective forgiveness. Within this belief I have allowed myself to experience fear of being exposed as stupid / dishonest / not good enough, as well as believing I am not worthy of writing a blog and sharing myself due to not being effective, directive or honest enough.

I have been comparing myself to the idea I have created in my mind about how I should be and within this idea I have judged myself for not being good enough – I see now how I have compounded the resistance to writing self forgiveness and have made the process that much harder for myself, instead of stopping myself as the mind and simply starting.

It’s amazing how manipulative and deceptive the mind can be - I would never expect a child to know something to perfection without learning step by step and practicing, but when it comes to self I expect myself to know it from the get go. When things don't come easy to me I experience myself as losing interest or not caring about it, while all along i am too proud to humble myself to the process of learning – I see within this a point of pride, as if I am too proud to be in a position of not knowing and learning something new and unfamiliar, not allowing myself to be humble and to admit to myself that this takes time and practice and within time and dedication I will be more direct and more clear within the application of self forgiveness.

So, today I start. Today I begin my journey to life, my journey to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea of how I should apply self forgiveness, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the idea I have created in my mind and to judge myself according to this idea,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an idea and to judge myself accordingly without realizing that by doing so I am diminishing myself to a one dimensional expression, while diminishing and compromising myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an idea of how I should be instead of allowing myself to express myself as self forgiveness as self support as who I am here

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself as self forgiveness within and as self support due to fear of not standing up to the idea I have created as to how I should be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of not standing up to the idea of how I should be to direct myself instead of allowing myself to direct myself as self support within realizing that writing and applying self forgiveness is a self supportive tool that I have been preventing from myself due to fear of not knowing how to apply it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a “big deal” out of writing self forgiveness, thus making self forgiveness bigger than me, within doing so separating myself from self forgiveness and from self as self support, instead of realizing the self forgiveness is a tool used by self here as self support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within seeing self forgiveness as bigger than me I have allowed myself to exist within an experience of intimidation by self forgiveness, only based on the idea I have created around/about self forgiveness and not on reality as the actuality of writing self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this intimidation of self forgiveness through believing this intimidation actually protects me from the “dangers” of self forgiveness, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe my mind as it keeps me away from self support based on the fear of making a mistake / being wrong / not good enough in regards to self forgiveness. Instead of directing myself to simply write, letting go of all the expectations and judgments to allow myself to forgive myself here as self support.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be humble within the understanding that self forgiveness is a process of accumulation and as I commit myself and apply myself I will learn to be more direct and more specific within my writing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to write self forgiveness as if I have been doing it for years, not realizing that only with applying myself in dedication will I see my writing change as I change and become more direct and clear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish and hope I will change without actually having to put in the time and effort to actually face myself within self forgiveness and push myself to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone applying self forgiveness within the wish/hope that I will magically transform myself and all my patterns without having to actually change…lol…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak and worthless as the core of the  fear of not being able to change myself through self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too weak to push myself through self forgiveness, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit before I even started based on the self belief that I will not make it – projecting myself as my fears instead of allowing myself to be here as breath and apply myself within and as the physical as self support as writing self forgiveness here

I commit myself to myself

I commit myself to give myself the gift of self forgiveness

I commit myself to support myself through self forgiveness

I commit myself to supporting myself as life

I commit myself to peeling off the layers of deception/personality/patterns through the process of self forgiveness within self honesty, to be able to trust myself to stop self interest and to live as what is best for all as self. 

Much more to unfold

One day at a time

Breath by breath