Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad day. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
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Friday, November 23, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
Also please visit my previous blogs, if you haven’t already:
Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
Day 98 - Giving up is an elitist privilege - Part 2 - Self commitments
I realize that in any moment that I am not here in breath, as aware of myself breathing within my physical body, I am in a realm of the mind, existing within / as energy as participating in thoughts / feelings / emotions / projections / imaginations, within this I see, realize and understand that once I notice, become aware of myself existing as energy, I have a decision, I am faced with a choice - will I stop myself as the mind and bring myself back to myself as the physical within/as breath, or will I allow myself to continue, to follow the mind's temptation, within believing I am defined by it, by the emotions / feelings, within believing that I cannot stop - who I am within this decision, how I chose to be is what defines me in every moment, and within realizing this choice I see how I am in fact creating myself within every decision I make, so wither to stand up in self honesty or to give up as the mind - is always up to me, thus, when and as I see myself facing the decision, the choice, of stopping myself as the mind possession, and bringing myself back here to the physical within breath, or following the mind within a self belief that I cannot be freed from it and within self interest as the pursue of happiness and good feelings - I chose myself as life
I realize that I have allowed the idea I have that I am incapable of stopping myself while in an energetic possession, as back chat come up of "but I don't know how to do it", "I cannot stop", "this depression is stronger than me", to prevent me from actually stopping, to prevent me from even trying, as allowing myself to give up and be submissive to the energetic experience, within this I realize that as long as I participate with this back chat, as accepting the idea that I cannot stand up from the energetic experience, I will never actually stand and continue proving to myself my idea of myself was correct, not realizing that this idea isn't based on physical facts but just on a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved and trapped within the energetic experience, on the other hand, I realize that if I do push myself through the point, as not allowing the back chat to direct me, and within this to stop my acceptance of the idea that I am incapable, and push myself to breathe and support myself through bringing myself back to the physical as jumping up and down and shaking my body, or massaging my hands, I will be able to step out of the possession, because I realize the energetic possession requires my attention and participation for it to exist within me as my experience, thus, when and as I see myself going into and accepting the back chat of not believing I can do it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back to the physical body in any way that is possible within the context of the situation I am in, I chose to support myself and to stop myself from giving more power/energy to the possession and instead give myself the power through standing up from within it, proving to myself that I am the directive principle and I am not a puppet at the demand of the mind - I am here, I am life, I am not energy, I realize that the energy needs me for it to exist and I do not need the energy to be here as myself stable in breath
I realize that when I exist in an energetic possession I fear stopping it, I fear letting go of it because it is how I know myself, I have defined myself as it, within this I realize that this fear is a mind mechanism to keep me from standing up as life, I realize this fear is not valid because I am here through all the experiences, I have been here through all the possessions, I have been here to see them come and go and change - thus I am here is independent on the energy possession, and doesn't require it to exist as I am here, thus, when and as I experience myself resisting to stop the energetic possession within fear of letting go of it, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I breathe, and stand up, within this, I commit myself to investigate the point of fear further, and each time the fear/back chat comes up I commit myself to investigate it within writing and forgive myself for all that I have seen within it as my acceptance and allowance, to make the point clear to me, so that I don't fall in it again
I realize that within the construct of giving up on myself, within the belief I cannot stop the energetic possession as I believe it is stronger than me, I realize that within this I am trying to take the easy way out within self interest while disregarding myself as life and the consequences of my actions, within this I realize that I have used giving up to distract myself from the problems that are here, that are evident in the physical reality, as taking the easy way out and not pushing myself with all I've got to change the current situation of reality as myself, as it is based in inequality and results in much pain and suffering for many beings that cannot practice the privilege of giving up because it would cost them their life, thus I realize that within giving up I am not only giving up on myself but am allowing myself to give up on the pain and suffering that others are experiencing because of the very construct of the system as it exists today, the same system that has given me so much as consumerism, that I can turn a deaf ear to the abuse because it doesn't concern me directly due to being the elite of this world, and thus allow myself to give up in self interest
I realize that the only reason I am giving up is because I can, because I don't experience the immediate consequences, because I have support within the system and thus am not in a physical survival mode, within this I realize that giving up is an elitist privilege, that only those with money can afford giving up, as a childish moment of not wanting to take self responsibility and wanting others, as slaves, to do the hard work for them while they momentarily give up to then after the small "brake from life" return as if nothing has happened and as if there are no consequences, within this I realize that by exercising my privilege of giving up I am dismissing and disregarding all those that cannot afford to give up because their life circumstances is based in physical survival and if they allow themselves to give up they will actually die/suffer, within this I realize that by giving up I am accepting the situation of the world as it is and am actually deriving benefit from it, as stating within myself that I don't care about any one and anything that is suffering in the world, all I care about is that "I don't feel like it" and thus allow myself to give up, within this I commit myself to become aware of points/situations/events where I find myself giving up and stop myself within and as breath, within realizing that giving up is not valid and is a vicious way out of taking self responsibility within what seams to be an innocent/naïve self belief of incompetency, but in fact is deliberate and cruel considering all in the world that can't stand up for themselves and are waiting for me to stand up for them within the world system as I stand up for myself within the mind
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for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
Also please visit my previous blog, if you haven’t already:
Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
I realize that any experience I have is self created, and even when/if I don't realize how I created it, by not pushing myself to step out of the experience I am allowing it to exist with me and thus, any energetic experience I have within myself is always due to my participation, acceptance and allowance, thus, when and as I see myself within an energetic experience I stop myself and breathe, I push myself to breathe as I ground myself and ground the energy back to earth, I stop the back chat as justifications to why I am experiencing this, and don't allow myself to justify my experience because I have realized that any experience that I have not self directed within awareness is a mind manipulation that is directing me within self interest and thus will always result in shame and regret when realizing within self honesty what I have accepted and allowed, thus within the principle of prevention as the best cure/medicine, I commit myself to stop this snow ball from rolling through stopping my participation within the energetic experience as depression.
I realize that any time I give in to the energetic experience I am accumulating more energetically charged memories, as experiencing myself being weaker than the mind, and thus allowing the mind control to grow stronger as I diminish myself time after time, I realize that in order to empower myself as the living self directive principle of myself I must stop myself from participating and following the energetic experience and commit myself to breath, to stabilize myself, to ground myself, to return to the physical within touch and movement, to do whatever it takes in the moment to "snap out of it" to change my experience as to prove to myself that I am not completely controlled/enslaved to the mind, but that I do have self will power, and that I can stand up from within it, I realize that just as I have accumulated through out my life, many experiences as memories of me giving in to my mind, and thus have accepted myself as weak, I can accumulate myself as self support - as long as I will myself to stop my participation within/as the mind, and keep accumulating situations/experiences where I stand up and stop myself I will be able to deprogram the self belief of incapability/weakness/giving up and recreate myself as directive and powerful as life as myself
I realize that the experience of being depressed, as experiencing myself within/as a low energy, an experience of numbness/apathy/misery, is exactly that - an energetic experience, and within it being an energetic experience I realize it does not exist independently of my participation within/as it, thus I realize it requires me, to participate with it, through giving it energy as thoughts, for it to exist - within realizing this, I commit myself to when and as I see myself in an energetic experience such as depression/numbness/apathy/misery, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is not a real experience as the physical is real, as the physical is here independently of my participation with it, it is an objective reality shared by all equally, while the energetic experience is subjective within my mind's perception and interpretation, created only for me and is able to exist here only through my participation as feeding it energy as thoughts - and the moment I stop participating, it no longer exist - thus it is in my power to stop, and my responsibility to realize what is real as the physical, and to live and participate only within that which is real, and stop participation with the lie as the mind
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
I've been experiencing myself low, at a verge of depression, not knowing what's going on within me, not pushing myself to investigate and explore the experience to support myself to find the source, to be able to stand up from within it, to be able to direct myself, but rather I have fallen into a state of giving up, allowing the energy to possess me, believing I am powerless, experiencing myself as if I cannot do anything to change my experience and thus, allowing it to continue, giving it my permission within a submissive expression of myself, as I have allowed many times before, allowing myself, once again, to abuse myself within allowing the depressed experience to take over, and thus existing as both the abuser and the abused, both sides of the polarity existing within myself, both allowed by myself, as I allow the oppression of self to continue as I believe the energy that I experience as depression is bigger and more powerful than me.
I was on the verge of giving up on myself altogether, wanting to hit rock bottom, rationalizing it to myself with the idea that is I allow myself to hit the bottom I will have to stand up from there, justifying giving up as an essential and even supportive part of the process, as if I cannot direct myself to stand up from where I am here, in this very moment, as if only if I push myself to the edge and only if I experience enough pain and suffering will I motivate myself to stand up and change. As if making giving up a directive decision - but who, in their right mind, would decide to harm/abuse/hurt themselves? If one can see change needs to be done, why not simply stand up and change? Why allow abuse?
I've been allowing myself, within full awareness, to abuse myself, by not shaking myself out of the energetic possession, by not stopping myself, as if only through experiencing myself broken, abused, weak, useless, will I be able to pick myself up - how fucked up is this, to want to hurt myself, to want to abuse myself, to not trust myself enough to push myself up from here, from where I am, but to justify more abuse and more suffering - do I have no self respect, do I have no self appreciation, do I have no sense of self motivation within common sense to realize that after giving up and crawling up into a ball I will just find myself in the exact same place, only that much more broken, with that much less self esteem, with that much less will power…
I realize that I am in a position that allows me to give up, because I am not actually in harms way, it's not that I'm actually being physically abused, I'm not being physically enslaved - physically everything is fine, and that's why I can allow myself to play around with giving up, while other are physically abused/suppressed/starving, while they cannot stand up for a change because they are in fact weak within this system, on the other hand, I have all the ability, the skill, the resources to stand up for myself and for them as myself, and I end up giving up, I chose to give up because I can, because I know I will still have food on my table, I know I will still have shelter, I know I am safe, because I am the elite, because I have money - thus by allowing myself to give up I am postponing myself from actually changing, I am postponing bringing about a change in the world, because it doesn't really concern me, because I don't really care, because I will survive either way…
This is why I say that giving up is an elitist privilege, because we have the luxury of giving up without losing anything substantial, physical as life, we can play around in our mind, as we masturbate with the thought of giving up, while others that cannot stand up for themselves die. They die as we whine, they are waiting for us to stand up, and we are busy giving up?... While they are the ones who are paying the price.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to exist in my mind within a state of depression, and not pushing myself to stand up from within it but rather allow myself to accept it as myself, as a fact, not realizing that my experience is my creation and thus i do in fact have the power to change my experience if i will myself to do so
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the low energy I experience is me and that it defines me as who I am, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace myself as depression from a perspective of believing that this is who i am, which is in essence the reverse of actually embracing myself as that would mean to support myself as life, to get out of the energetic experience that i have allowed to possess me, and to not accept such self abuse as allowing myself to exist as low/depressed energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the energy to take over me within the belief that I am powerless against it, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself i am not able to stand in the face of energy, instead of stopping myself as such thoughts and actually standing up within myself and moving myself to prove me wrong, instead of accepting it and proving me right, through not standing – i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is up to me in every moment, and thus if i stay in the low/depressed energy it is because of my acceptance and allowance, and not because i am not capable, because i have never really tried to stop, so how can i believe myself to be incapable of stopping, and even once i push myself to stop, i must realize that it might take practice and consistency, so even if i try and “fail” i cannot actually conclude that i am incapable, it would only mean that i must investigate the point further, and simply get up and do it again, until i make it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself as a solution for my problems, not realizing that giving up is just postponing the inevitable of standing up as myself within self honesty as I realize that only through living self honestly as one and equal to/as myself will I ever find "peace", thus, I realize that giving up is not a solution but only prolonging the problem as allowing myself to exist within/as the mind, giving my power away in separation from/as myself, and thus allowing separation/energy to be dominant as the directive principle within myself and the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within allowing myself to actually live as myself within self honesty and not as the mind in self interest as separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up as an easy way out, as I have allowed myself to believe that giving up is like a pause on life, not realizing that there is no such thing to pause/stop life, life is here in every moment in every breath, I can either participate in supporting myself as life, or participate in abusing myself as life - the choice is mine, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever make any choice/decision because I have always allowed myself to exist as the mind as energy as feeling/emotions and thus have never really made a directive decision but always have been directed by self interest as within the desire to feel good through believing my feelings/emotions/thoughts as they will protect me and lead me towards a good life for myself, not realizing that within realizing existence to be one interconnected existence, I will never achieve true happiness as long as it is based in self interest because I will always know within myself the price others are paying for my happiness, thus within self interest I am deeming myself to a life of shame and guilt and regret, within realizing this I realize that my emotions/feelings/thoughts can only lead me down the path of self interest because they are created within/as my mind as separation, thus I realize they are invalid - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts/feelings/emotions within believing they are bigger/stronger than me, not even trying to stop myself within already have making the choice to give up on myself which means to exist in self interest and suffer the consequences of shame and regret, thus I stop. When and as I see myself falling in the pattern of giving up, I push myself to support myself to stand, I realize giving up is not an option, it is only creating more pain and suffering in my own life and the lives of others as I postpone myself from standing and directing myself to change myself and the world as myself, thus I commit myself to support myself within/as breathing, as I breathe until the energetic possession has passed, within this I commit myself to support myself with physical movement as I have proven to myself that as I jump and move around and return to myself as the physical body, within enjoying myself as my physical body it is supporting me to "get out" of the mind possession and thus able to sit down and write it out for better clarity as to see the source of the possession as to be able to not fall in the same mind loop again.
To be continued
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Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Continuing from my previous blog: Day
27 - Having a bad day
I am not satisfied with the degree of self forgiveness I've done on the
point of allowing myself to wallow in my own misery, instead of supporting
myself to snap out of the mind and return to the physical, so here I am again,
going further/deeper, to be satisfied that I have allowed myself to look at the
full and complete point, within all the layers that open up here within/as
myself within self-honesty
So here goes
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by
emotional energy, not allowing myself to stop and breathe as self-support,
within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize
that through breath I can bring myself back here within/as the physical and
thus stop the mind as emotional possession, thus to stop feeding/fueling the
mind through my participation but instead to stand as self-support as life and
to stop emotionally manipulating myself by allowing myself to feel ‘bad’ /
‘depressed’ within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to
support myself to get out of the emotional possession within participating with
an experience of giving up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to give up on myself within the addiction of emotional possession
instead of pushing myself to support myself as life here, to push through the
character of giving up and to instead stand up and breathe until the possession
has gone
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself
through/as breath when experiencing an emotional possession but instead to
wallow in my own misery as if enjoying myself as I give my power away to the
mind as emotions and give up on myself as life
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give up on
myself as life within experiencing an emotional possession as justification of
the character of not being able/strong enough to make process, thus every time
I give up is like an approval of the self-belief that I will not make it, not
realizing that every time I give up I am in fact giving my power away to the
character of "I will not make it' and thus creating it as myself, instead
of stopping myself as the character as I've realized that it isn't in fact me,
but merely based on beliefs/conditions/limitations created by the self as the
mind, and not based on equality and oneness as self- support as what is best
for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the
fear of exposing myself as character through not wanting to interact with the
beings around me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to defend and protect myself as the character that was showing itself
within the emotional possession instead of taking the opportunity to actually
face myself as the character I am showing myself and to investigate myself as
the character, to forgive myself and take responsibility for/as the character
within that very moment, to stop myself as the character and come back to the
physical here as breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pity towards
myself within the emotional possession and to enjoy the character of being fragile/weak
within the relationship I have created to the definition I have given the
character of fragile/weak, within this I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to create a positive feeling relationship to the character of
being fragile/weak within the idea that when one is fragile/weak there are no
expectation put on them and thus I see it as a point of not having to take
self-responsibility, within this I
forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see within/as
myself that I have used the character of being fragile/weak to allow myself to
not take responsibility as if within this character I am not responsible for
the consequences of my actions, when in fact it isn't so, I am responsible for
myself at all times/situations and by creating a made up situation/character of
being weak and thus believing I am not accountable for my actions I am in fact
manipulating myself and setting myself up for a fall through time loops and
consequences that will sure to come, because no one is responsible for myself
but me at all times and thus I am accountable for any/all consequences I create
even if I believe I am not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the experience
of being low/sad to give up on myself within the belief that it’s ok just for
the moment to stop myself within the process and be consumed within emotions,
not realizing that process doesn't stop for a moment just as life doesn't stop
for a moment, and within allowing myself to stop for a moment, and to not push
through the points coming up within me due to self-interest fear, I am allowing
all giving up in the name of self-interest to exist and remain as the directive
principle of this existence, thus I realize my responsibility to stand as
example within/as myself, to not give up on myself as life, to walk in every
moment as to not allow any point of self-interest or giving up because I
realize the extent of abuse allowed within that in the world system today, and
I realize that I must first stop/correct myself within respecting/supporting
myself as life at all times, and not giving up within/as the mind.
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself, when experiencing myself as emotional possession, to
stop and breathe until the possession is over, within this not allowing myself
to go into the character of giving up within the belief that I will not make it
within realizing that the character is not me in fact and is getting its power
as character only through my participation within/as it
I commit myself to not resist asking for support/assistance from beings
around me when I am experiencing myself within emotional possession, instead of
isolating myself through fear of exposing myself as the character, within
realizing that the fear is placed by self as the mind in protection of my
character and thus within realizing that I must allow myself to break through
all characters I have defined myself as in order to actually be here one and
equal to/as the physical within realizing that the characters are not in fact
me, thus I commit myself to allow myself as the character to be exposed and
shattered within realizing that it will be painful/hard at times, but no one
said freeing myself from the mind would be easy, and thus I stop running away
from what seems hard/painful and allow myself to face myself and who I have
accepted and allowed myself to be/become within all the different characters I
have allowed myself to exist as so that I can stop once and for all, and take
responsibility for myself within the totality of myself and to rebirth myself
within/as the physical here as life.
I commit myself to when facing myself within the desire to place myself
as weak/fragile to stop myself and breathe, to realize that even when I believe
I am not responsible I am in fact responsible and thus accountable at all time,
thus I commit myself to not allow myself to manipulate myself into such
characters but to stand within self-responsibility and allow myself to face
myself as the characters I have created and to forgive myself within
self-direction to change myself so that I can trust myself as life as always
here within/as breath applying myself within equality/oneness as what is best
for all and not abdicating responsibility when/if I feel like being
weak/fragile for a moment
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Yesterday I had a 'bad' day here at the farm, I started working
with the horses so my day got added two more time slots of physicality, which I
love, but it is very time consuming and suddenly the time I have left is less, so
I see that I will need to start rearranging my time more effectively which
brings up a point of fear/concern because I have always lived within the
self-definition of not knowing to manage my time, so having to be more
affective within it was experienced as a point of stress. Another point that
came up within me is that I handed in my last assignment for school the
previous day, so yesterday was the first
day I actually had the full day to be here and not have to spend my time on
finishing up the assignments, which is what I've done in the first few days
here, but I guess in a way having the assignment gave me a side door escape
from the process I am walking here, like an excuse to not
write/self-forgive/self-investigate, because I have this assignment to do… and
now I don't anymore have this excuse/side door anymore and I can actually be
completely here, and that scares me….
There were some more little things that have happened throughout the day,
nothing too significant, for instance, I experienced resistance towards writing
my daily blog and the self-forgiveness I have committed myself to write as a
part of the SRA course I am walking, and
the resistance brought up another fear of not being able to do this, not being
capable enough within some high expectation I have been comparing myself to, a
point that I've seen many times come up within me, that I expect myself to be
more than myself within my process, instead of allowing myself to walk it
for/as myself, one step at a time, crossing the berries of resistance as they
come along and show me more points within/as myself, but instead I go into
stress and self-judgment that I will never make it thus making it that much
harder for myself instead of breathing through the resistance, pushing through
it, investigating it and moving passed it…
Now that I'm writing about it I see more and more points… lol… so maybe
it wasn't just a few small points but rather some big issues I have allowed
myself to suppress until they have accumulated…
So, another point was a blog I read and within reading it I started
thinking of how selfish I am, and how I would always put myself first before my
friends if a guy was concerned, and just thinking and judging myself within
looking at the point of who I am within relationships, and can I actually be
trusted to support someone or only always myself… I know I can be both supportive and selfish,
and I know I am abusing myself as self-diminishment through self-judgment
within focusing only on the times I wouldn't give up my own pleasure for
helping/supporting another being/a friend, instead of looking at it from a
perspective of being grateful for seeing the point and allowing myself to
change within taking self-responsibility for myself from now on, through
allowing myself to forgive myself for the past as who I have accepted and
allowed myself to become and decide who I want to be from here on out within
standing as the principle of equality and oneness and pushing through the patterns
as self-interest I have created myself as. But before realizing this just now
through writing, yesterday I was upset and judging myself for basically being a
selfish, untrustworthy bitch.
So the whole day was full of these small points within my day that I
didn't direct and allowed accumulate without even being aware of them, until by
the end of the day I had this cloud hovering over me, I wanted to be alone, I
felt low, but I didn't want to support myself, I wanted to wallow in my own misery,
not asking for assistance from all those around me, just staying in this
depressed sensation, that even now writing about it I tear up, almost like
experiencing it again, or emotionally remembering the feeling.
The points I see that came up within me through-out the day are:
·
Allowing myself to wallow
in my misery instead of supporting myself to stand up and out of the mind possession
·
My relationship to Time management
·
Fear of being here fully,
what does it mean to me?
·
Resistance towards writing –
how I define myself accordingly and the fear I go into, allowing myself to be
directed by the resistance instead of pushing myself to walk through within
breath
·
Judging myself for being a
selfish bitch / bad friend / putting guys before friends
I'll take them on one at a time
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself
as low/sad/depressed and instead of investigating the point or finding a way to
support myself to walk through this point I have allowed myself to wallow in my
own misery as a form of self-abuse within believing myself as the mind and
giving the emotion experience power and control over me, instead of standing
clear and directing myself as self-support within/as breath through the
emotional possession
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off
in my room, instead of staying with the other beings, within the fear of my
emotional possession being exposed, not realizing that it is the possession
that fears being exposed and I, as self-direction, can/am able to push myself
to expose/investigate/explore the emotional possession as I know this is
actually self-support while also knowing that allowing it to possess me is
self-abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off
in my room as I have closed myself off in my mind as emotional possession,
instead of staying within/as the physical as practical physical support through
allowing myself to face the beings around me with thus staying physical within
real communication and not closed off alone in my mind in my room away from
anything that can assist me in getting out of the mind and back to the physical
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to support myself through breath when I am in a state of
mind possession as experiencing myself as sad/low/depressed, thus to push
myself to breathe for as long as it takes until the possession is passed to
show to myself that I am here as breath remain after the storm of emotion has
passed
I commit myself to when experiencing myself low/sad/depressed to
stay/express with the beings around me as self-support, and push through the
fear of exposure due to realizing that the fear of walking through the
emotional possession is of the mind and not self-directed, thus I push and direct
myself to support myself to move out of the emotional possession through the
assistance of those around me through not running away from facing them within
the fear of being exposed, but rather realize that the exposure is a first step
in solving/investigating the point of possession, through making it physical
within communication
I commit myself to when being possessed by emotions as sad/sorrow/low,
to push myself to be as physical as possible as a point of self support, and
thus to communicate with people, to breathe, and to allow myself to step out of
my mind as a room I have placed myself in alone within separation and to allow
myself to be in the actual reality as the physical with other human beings
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