Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege

for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review

I've been experiencing myself low, at a verge of depression, not knowing what's going on within me, not pushing myself to investigate and explore the experience to support myself to find the source, to be able to stand up from within it, to be able to direct myself, but rather I have fallen into a state of giving up, allowing the energy to possess me, believing I am powerless, experiencing myself as if I cannot do anything to change my experience and thus, allowing it to continue, giving it my permission within a submissive expression of myself, as I have allowed many times before, allowing myself, once again, to abuse myself within allowing the depressed experience to take over, and thus existing as both the abuser and the abused, both sides of the polarity existing within myself, both allowed by myself, as I allow the oppression of self to continue as I believe the energy that I experience as depression is bigger and more powerful than me.

I was on the verge of giving up on myself altogether, wanting to hit rock bottom, rationalizing it to myself with the idea that is I allow myself to hit the bottom I will have to stand up from there, justifying giving up as an essential and even supportive part of the process, as if I cannot direct myself to stand up from where I am here, in this very moment, as if only if I push myself to the edge and only if I experience enough pain and suffering will I motivate myself to stand up and change. As if making giving up a directive decision - but who, in their right mind, would decide to harm/abuse/hurt themselves? If one can see change needs to be done, why not simply stand up and change? Why allow abuse?

I've been allowing myself, within full awareness, to abuse myself, by not shaking myself out of the energetic possession, by not stopping myself, as if only through experiencing myself broken, abused, weak, useless, will I be able to pick myself up - how fucked up is this, to want to hurt myself, to want to abuse myself, to not trust myself enough to push myself up from here, from where I am, but to justify more abuse and more suffering - do I have no self respect, do I have no self appreciation, do I have no sense of self motivation within common sense to realize that after giving up and crawling up into a ball I will just find myself in the exact same place, only that much more broken, with that much less self esteem, with that much less will power…

I realize that I am in a position that allows me to give up, because I am not actually in harms way, it's not that I'm actually being physically abused, I'm not being physically enslaved - physically everything is fine, and that's why I can allow myself to play around with giving up, while other are physically abused/suppressed/starving, while they cannot stand up for a change because they are in fact weak within this system, on the other hand, I have all the ability, the skill, the resources to stand up for myself and for them as myself, and I end up giving up, I chose to give up because I can, because I know I will still have food on my table, I know I will still have shelter, I know I am safe, because I am the elite, because I have money - thus by allowing myself to give up I am postponing myself from actually changing, I am postponing bringing about a change in the world, because it doesn't really concern me, because I don't really care, because I will survive either way…

This is why I say that giving up is an elitist privilege, because we have the luxury of giving up without losing anything substantial, physical as life, we can play around in our mind, as we masturbate with the thought of giving up, while others that cannot stand up for themselves die. They die as we whine, they are waiting for us to stand up, and we are busy giving up?... While they are the ones who are paying the price.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to exist in my mind within a state of depression, and not pushing myself to stand up from within it but rather allow myself to accept it as myself, as a fact, not realizing that my experience is my creation and thus i do in fact have the power to change my experience if i will myself to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the low energy I experience is me and that it defines me as who I am, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace myself as depression from a perspective of believing that this is who i am, which is in essence the reverse of actually embracing myself as that would mean to support myself as life, to get out of the energetic experience that i have allowed to possess me, and to not accept such self abuse as allowing myself to exist as low/depressed energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the energy to take over me within the belief that I am powerless against it, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself i am not able to stand in the face of energy, instead of stopping myself as such thoughts and actually standing up within myself and moving myself to prove me wrong, instead of accepting it and proving me right, through not standing – i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is up to me in every moment, and thus if i stay in the low/depressed energy it is because of my acceptance and allowance, and not because i am not capable, because i have never really tried to stop, so how can i believe myself to be incapable of stopping, and even once i push myself to stop, i must realize that it might take practice and consistency, so even if i try and “fail” i cannot actually conclude that i am incapable, it would only mean that i must investigate the point further, and simply get up and do it again, until i make it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself as a solution for my problems, not realizing that giving up is just postponing the inevitable of standing up as myself within self honesty as I realize that only through living self honestly as one and equal to/as myself will I ever find "peace", thus, I realize that giving up is not a solution but only prolonging the problem as allowing myself to exist within/as the mind, giving my power away in separation from/as myself, and thus allowing separation/energy to be dominant as the directive principle within myself and the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within allowing myself to actually live as myself within self honesty and not as the mind in self interest as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up as an easy way out, as I have allowed myself to believe that giving up is like a pause on life, not realizing that there is no such thing to pause/stop life, life is here in every moment in every breath, I can either participate in supporting myself as life, or participate in abusing myself as life - the choice is mine, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever make any choice/decision because I have always allowed myself to exist as the mind as energy as feeling/emotions and thus have never really made a directive decision but always have been directed by self interest as within the desire to feel good through believing my feelings/emotions/thoughts as they will protect me and lead me towards a good life for myself, not realizing that within realizing existence to be one interconnected existence, I will never achieve true happiness as long as it is based in self interest because I will always know within myself the price others are paying for my happiness, thus within self interest I am deeming myself to a life of shame and guilt and regret, within realizing this I realize that my emotions/feelings/thoughts can only lead me down the path of self interest because they are created within/as my mind as separation, thus I realize they are invalid - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts/feelings/emotions within believing they are bigger/stronger than me, not even trying to stop myself within already have making the choice to give up on myself which means to exist in self interest and suffer the consequences of shame and regret, thus I stop. When and as I see myself falling in the pattern of giving up, I push myself to support myself to stand, I realize giving up is not an option, it is only creating more pain and suffering in my own life and the lives of others as I postpone myself from standing and directing myself to change myself and the world as myself, thus I commit myself to support myself within/as breathing, as I breathe until the energetic possession has passed, within this I commit myself to support myself with physical movement as I have proven to myself that as I jump and move around and return to myself as the physical body, within enjoying myself as my physical body it is supporting me to "get out" of the mind possession and thus able to sit down and write it out for better clarity as to see the source of the possession as to be able to not fall in the same mind loop again.

To be continued

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Agnieszka said...

cool self-forgiveness Maya, thanks for sharing --

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