Saturday, October 5, 2013

Day 218 - Waiting for Superman - Double Standards

I just read the blog Self-knowledge is the only basis of true knowledge - Day 415 and I would like to add to that perspective. 

I have also watched the documentary Waiting for Superman as well as the follow up The Inconvenient Truth Behind Waiting for Superman - and noticed another interesting point as to how to investigate the information being shared instead of eating it up blindly.

What I noticed within the first documentary is that they were essentially blaming the teachers and the tenure system as the cause for all problems in the education system, and thus, they bring a solution in form of charter schools which provide the best teachers for the best student experience. What I found peculiar is the double standard it represents. Have a look, they were sharing their approach with students, and how, with the right tools and support each student can be the best, which I agree with, and that the failure of students within the public system does not indicate the lack of the student but rather their failure is indicating and pointing towards a bigger problem in the schooling system - but here comes the double standard – if this is true for students, wouldn’t it be just as true for teachers?

Is it not true that if we realize that by giving each child the support they need to become the best that they can be each child can excel, and thus, if students are failing we must realize there is a problem in the education system instead of placing the responsibility solely on the students, wouldn’t  the same common sense be applied with teachers, where if we see teachers that are disengaged and don’t do their best, teachers that have given up on education and just sit around waiting for the day to go by, not giving their students all that they need, wouldn’t that indicate that those teachers have been failed by the system?

The documentary blamed the teachers for being the problem in education, not realizing the bigger picture that bad teachers are showing us, as a symptom, a greater problem of the entire education system in its totality.
They bring up the problem of tenure, and expressing it to be the reason why teachers don’t care – but who of us wants to be doing something we don’t care about, wouldn’t all of us prefer to apply ourselves in our chosen profession and do our best, knowing that we are supported and encouraged to be the best that we can be?

The point of tenure is in a way a fantastic system of protection, in a world where people lose their jobs left and right, what would the teachers focus on if they were threatened daily that if they do not perform they would lose their job, what would their starting point of teaching be? not the children, but rather their own self interest, survival and fear – how would that solution create a better education system? This point obviously brings up once again the greater picture of the economic system, where people are not looked after within the system but rather are treated merely as a human resource, that can be disregarded and replaced when the new and improved model comes in, this is true not only in education, but in all fields, and thus, within this economic system where we use and treat people as commodities, we are setting the ground for indifference and disregard towards others, while enhancing self interest and personal gain at all costs, in spite of the consequences we bring to those around us.

So, here, im not saying that there are no problems with the tenure system, we can plainly see that it has been used to manipulate the system for interests and power rather than being a force that ensures that the education system as a whole will always be in the benefit of all children. But here again we must not forget to look at the greater system in which we all live in, and have accepted as such.

They show in the documentary the approach schools take to handle these bad tenure teachers where they just rotate them from one school to another instead of finding solutions to support them to become the best they can be, it is almost like the system doesn’t want to support them in bettering themselves, the system has given up on them, just as they have given up on children, just as children that have given up on learning and on themselves.
It’s all the same, as above so below – and the solution must be found for all levels of the problem, isolating the problem within the realm of the students will inevitably target the teachers as the problem, but that would be looking at it through tunnel vision rather than actually investigating the problem and situation in all its dimensions and finding an actual solution that will stand the test of time and that will support all individuals involved. 

Bottom line, when inequality and double standards are being presented, there is always more to the story that is not being shared, and in most cases this is done within hidden interests in order to gain power and money through the control of public opinion. And thus one must take responsibility and practice critical reasoning, and to deliberately look for the double standards within the information that is being presented, and not to watch / hear the information passively, one must question and investigate in order to ensure that the information is aligned with reality and not promoting a one sided interest, otherwise we will always remain as commodities, as tools in the game in which others are playing, and powerless to influence or change.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard

Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!

As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.

So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer - To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind – I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this before his death.

Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return, and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point / opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously, so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking, then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath by breath until it’s done.

He told me so many time that all I must do is make a decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder, because each time I have developed another layer of memories  and experiences proving to myself that I cannot make the decision to change nor  walk the living example of equality, and like Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see through his words the truth of me.

Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear, because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that  with Bernard it, the reflection of myself, was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him, hiding was never an option.

There is an interesting point here because its not like he put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his example?

I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are so many other little points of insight.

He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?

I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit myself to myself as life.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Day 217 - Obedience

I just realized that I have been trying to be obedient all my life, trying to "please the master" to get the approval of the authority. Not wanting to get in trouble and experiencing myself as being watched, as if "big brother" will see if I stray from the suggested path and will be punished.


When I was young I would call my dad to tell him I was skipping school, I saw it as an act of responsibility but really it was an act of abdicating responsibility, my rational was that if I get in real trouble it's good they know where I am, because I’m just a kid, but really I was too afraid of making the decision and standing by it without the OK of my dad, so in essence I asked for his approval so I wouldn't bare the weight of the decision to "do something wrong" by myself.


Many times I will ask for permission, just to be sure, while others around me would have just gone ahead and done it, and then when I receive a negative answer to my request I have a valid excuse not to step out of my comfort zone and do it, because "now I can't do it because I had asked directly and was disapproved, so I cannot" while the reason I didn't go ahead and do it to begin with was not because I actually thought it was wrong, but because I know "they" might think it is wrong and then I will not have their acceptance and approval, and that always had more value than going ahead and doing what I want, expressing myself and enjoying myself. I always wanted to be seen in a good light.


Now I am facing a similar point - I want to do things the right way, as I was taught to do them, but at times I question what I have learned and want to apply myself in another way - then comes up a point of trusting myself enough to “defy my teacher”, because if I do it my way I am the sole responsible for my actions, whereas when I follow their instructions I can always blame them for me not succeeding, so I know that if I do it my way it’s all on my shoulders, whether I make it or not, and to add to this point then there is that other point of approval, where I want the teacher / instructor to approve my way and say "yes, sure go ahead with it" as if asking for permission to explore my own self expression, to take risks and learn from my own mistakes - and I also realize there is a fine line somewhere between not allowing myself to follow instructions because of ego as wanting to do things my way, and not following instructions in a starting point of over coming the fear of taking full responsibility for my actions. so I guess I’m still struggling to actually see clearly the entity of my starting point within it all.


I have been working with a someone that is creative and exploring options that I am reluctant to explore because they are beyond the suggested realm, and I don't want to be spotted out as going beyond the suggested instructions, i want to be obedient, but at the same time I admire this other person for feeling so free to explore and that indicates to me that I have been limiting myself from expressing and exploring myself due to fear, and thus I realize that I must explore both new avenues, I must allow myself to follow instructions as to make sure I am not directed by my ego within the desire to be special and do things MY way, I must also allow myself to explore new avenues and to overcome the fear of being looked upon badly by the teacher / instructor / authority, I must also allow myself to explore and take full responsibility for the consequences whether "good" or "bad", because once I stand alone beyond the suggested territory I must be able to stand clear within myself and know for myself why I chose this path, to be able to trust myself that regardless the outcome I will not regret the way - and whatever happens to learn from it and apply myself then from within my new learning and realizations, to the best of my ability in that moment, within understanding that with every “mistake” i grow and learn and expand my understanding so next time i can take a different more effective route – but i must learn through expressing, exploring, falling and learning.


I feel confused because I have created such a complex web of dishonesty that no matter in which direction I take a step in, I am facing fears and reactions and thus now see to what extent I have been motivated by fears and reactions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the authority that I am doing something else than suggested within a starting point of asking for their approval and validation and thus not taking full responsibility, thus, when and as I see myself informing an authority of my actions while not asking for feedback or help but just informing them, I stop myself and breathe, I realize this is a point of deliberate manipulation rather than direct communication – thus, i stop myself in breathe as I do not allow myself to share with them from within the starting point of not taking self responsibility for my actions, within this I allow myself to evaluate the situation and to see if I am not willing to take responsibility I must look at the risk involved and reconsider whether what I am about to do is within common sense and the starting point of what is best for all or is it just acting out a desire that might lead to consequences. And so I breathe and slow myself down, and make a clear decision within and as myself whether I am standing behind my actions or not, and accordingly I act, within taking full responsibility and allowing myself to be accountable for my actions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being caught as doing something else than suggested, and thus will not allow myself to explore new ways and perhaps find practical alternatives, not allowing myself to make it "my own" within adding myself as my own self expression into the activity, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict myself and suppress myself from expressing myself and bringing myself in my true totality, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to contribute through my ideas and expression and exploration because I have not allowed myself to step beyond the accepted and agreed upon territory, and thus I have deprived myself from the opportunity of self expression and exploration and have deprived those around me from whatever idea I might have had that could benefit all, just because I fear being seen in a bad light, not realizing that those seeing me in a bad light which I fear and avoid their judgments are not actually judging me but themselves, and those who are not judging themselves will find a supportive way to show me if I am out of sink or am doing anything that is not practical or supportive, and thus I realize that the only way I can actually get the support of others is if I allow myself to step out of the confinements of approved territory so that I can either grow and expand or make mistakes and learn from the correction - but from suppression I will not learn a thing


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do things my way because of ego as wanting to be special and take all the credit, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that doing things "my way" just for self interest is not valid, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value the experience of others and allow myself to walk the repaved paths, not blindly but with open eyes, to be able to only once I have tried and openly seen where that path leads, to then practice critical reasoning and apply myself accordingly as allowing myself to be part of the accumulation of knowledge that has created our world, and thus to contribute not within ego but within practicality and from actual experience and personal knowledge

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Day 216 - Back chat as the God of me

It's still the same point - when I am about to do something that has to do with interaction with people, such as going to a meeting or making a phone call, I experience this form of resistance, a form of fear, an anxiety, and I am reluctant to do it - that's when the back chat is most creative, because now it starts coming up with all the reasons why it's valid to avoid this point and procrastinate it, suddenly "later" is the best time to do everything, suddenly all the other things on my "to do" list jump to first priority and so, instead of seeing this for what it is, as a pattern of fear that I have been participating with all my life up to a point of believing it to be me, and that this pattern as my participation with fear, has been and still is, limiting me from becoming as effective as I can be, enabling me to accomplish all that I want to, and instead of simply not allowing myself to follow this back chat to actually do that which I know needs to be done regardless my momentary preferences and irrational fears.


Looking at it now, I see myself actually enjoying the back chat, as it is the only thing that "allows me to be me" or "accepts me as who I am" - but is it really who I am, or is this back chat simply allowing me to continue existing in my fear as the limitation of myself, and to stay in my small zone of comfort and not change - it "feels" like my back chat is on "my side", it feels like it supports me, when really it is not, it could not be further from the truth - the back chat is only "supporting" me in self interest as the mind, allowing me and manipulating me to exist as a limited lifeless organic robot, but it really never supports me in fact, as who I really am, as what is actually best for me within the greater picture, the picture that is reality as the physical - it never actually supports me as a living being in a living and physical reality - it only supports me as the mind, as the illusion, as opinions, as preferences, as beliefs, as the narrow and limited view of self interest.


I have been following my mind blindly, allowing myself to be directed day in and day out, allowing myself to be directed by the back chat making it to be the god of me, instead of standing up within and as myself and making a stand to / for / as myself, reclaiming myself back to myself, reminding and stating to myself that I am here to serve myself as life, if nothing else than should at least push myself to do what is really best for me, as true self interest and not destructive self interest within following the patterns of fear and self sabotage - to push myself to support myself in fact as what is really best for me in the long run, which is what is best for all in the greater picture, and visa versa, as what is best for all is always the answer to what is best for me - and even though I cannot say I always know what is best, I know for a fact that it is certainly not best for me nor anyone around me to justify my own limitation and accept my fears as the director of me, but rather to support myself to over come my fears and expand and grow and allow myself to become a fearless being, that walks in stability, in consistency, in certainty, in self trust, in self honor, that is up for any challenge, that will not stop for anything until the task is done and complete, that will keep on walking and learning and expanding in every moment and every breath, and walking each breath within the principle of equality as love thy neighbor as myself, as a living practice.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 215 - Fear of people - being alone - follow up and conclusions

Follow up from last blog - last night I went to a party, I didn't know anyone and I just sat there some of the time I sat alone and I actually didn't go into anxiety about it, and I had awesome conversations with random people, took some phone numbers and might have made some connections from a practical perspective - it was cool - though I still didn't allow myself to be as free as I wanted to, so I am still walking the point, and actually while I was there I "forgot" that I had just written about this point and I didn't then apply myself practically - this point of "forgetting the point I am walking" has been coming up often - and the only explanation I have is that while I am writing my self forgiveness and opening the point up, I am not here and am not actually doing it as self support - because if I was I would "remember", but instead I write it just because I know I have to, I know I have to because it is so supportive and if I don't I will go down the rabbit hole of my mind and trap myself in it, so I do see the value of daily writing, but it is still done in separation, as a point of external consequence, like I'm doing it so the teacher will see that at least I am trying, while in fact I am not doing my best, I am not pushing as hard as I can, I am not investigating myself as self honestly as I could be - but there is no teacher watching over me and the consequences are not created by an external force but rather they are directly created by myself, and the more I write the more I see that I am causing my own suffering and discomfort, and yet, I am still struggling to get past this point and actually writing for myself and being here fully as I write, and write within the starting point of self support in fact.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself from a starting point of being watched by a teacher form, thus actually doing it in separation of myself as I am not doing it for myself but for external eyes watching over me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write and forgive myself within a starting point of religion, as I have placed a god like watch guard on me, as the eyes that see everything I do and will create the consequences if I mess up, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have turned this practical application in to a religion instead of doing it for myself in full awareness


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually see, realize and understand that I am here living this life, and I am here living the consequences of my actions, and I have the choice and the ability to change within self honesty, or not, and it is my responsibility to face myself because no one else will do it for me, and my doing so can effect others from the perspective that I could exist as I living example of how people can change and perfect themselves, but as long as I am not doing it, it is not here and is not a reality, and so, as within so without - my not changing myself within a starting point of self support implies and reflects that I don't care about myself nor anyone else


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good person that cares about myself and others around me while in fact in practicality I have not bee doing the bare minimum of expressing this care through practical physical application, and thus, have made this "I care" as a character that I can talk about and express to people, hence the good conversation, instead of letting go the idea of I am a caring person and actually allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself in every moment, where the first act of caring would be caring for myself and doing all I can to nurture and support myself, not for anyone else but for myself because I would care about and for myself, then, the expression of caring for others must be within a starting point of living as an example, and working towards a practical solution - so far I have been talking the talk much more then walking the walk, like I enjoy presenting myself as part of the most caring group in the world, or perhaps more accurately, the only caring group of people in the world, yet, I have not been an active participant from the perspective that I know I can do so much more if I would bring myself to actually care and live this care as the expression of myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care only about the thoughts and feelings and emotions and fears that come up in my mind, instead of caring for myself as the physical and for everybody else as the physical and thus, within caring for the mind and placing the mind above me as the physical I have not been pushing through the resistance in self interest, as I would simply do what the mind wants, as I follow it into self destruction


I realize that every time that I have thoughts / back chat / emotions / feelings / fears that come up and direct me into any direction that is not what is best for al, I am a facing a choice and can chose to follow the mind or can chose to resist the temptation within and as implementing the tools of writing and self forgiveness as to allow myself to see the construct that has come up, as to not suppress it but rather work through it, and so, I realize that in every moment of every breath I can make a new choice and am not limited to the previous choice, thus, I can chose to change now and today starting to live within the principle of what is best for all, regardless of not yet doing it previously. And I realize that in every moment that I chose self interest, that I chose the comfort of not pushing myself, when I chose the "hanging out" rather than applying myself - that is a choice and it will in every moment accumulate as who I am and allowing myself to be, so I realize that I must make sure that I accumulate more "points" of self support and actual genuine care than points of self interest and abuse - I realize this is a process and I will not change over night, but within this I also realize that making the decision is instantaneous and changing my starting point happens in a moment, so there really is no excuse.


I realize that it isn't about writing daily but rather writing daily within a starting point of self support and self care, and thus, I commit myself to before and while writing ensure that I am here and breathing, and if and when I see that I am writing in a state of rush as to "just get it over with" I stop myself and breathe, if necessary I attend to what needs my attention so that I can be here fully and write for and as myself, within this I commit myself to prioritize and not allow any distraction to become an excuse of "I'll do it later" because looking at the greater picture - what could be more important than supporting myself in this process of self discovery and self change? Nothing really, and so, I commit myself to set up a time and actually apply myself effectively within this time frame, as planning a date with myself, as I would plan with another, and respect this self date as I would respect a date with another


So here I am , making the decision to care for myself and to live this car as an actual physical act, within supporting myself through this process of writing and self forgiveness, to investigate and see in self honesty who I have created myself as, and change myself within the principle of re-creating myself as a human being that lives as an example, that if everybody would learn from my example this world would be best for all - this is my indication that I have lots of work to do, because I know what goes on in my mind, and I know that if everybody in the world would learn from my example at the moment, the world will not be a better place for all - and so I commit myself to walk this process until I can be a living example of the principle of equality as what is best for all -

I realize this must start with myself, if I only care about one being in the world I must be to actually care for myself, not as the mind as to care for my thoughts and feeling and emotions, but for myself, the being that is here, that is experiencing all these ups and downs, the one that is not yet directing oneself but is powerlessly following the thoughts / emotions / feeling, to support myself as the being that is here, to stand up within myself and direct myself, take responsibility and live with integrity and self honor.

Yes, there is a long way to go…


I realize the value of breath, and I commit myself to use breath as a tool of self support, to slow myself down and to ground myself, to return to my physical body where I am here, and to direct myself to move from a starting point of breath, to allow myself to stop and breath as many times during the day - to make stopping and breathing my practice, before anything I do / say I stop and breathe and consider what is best for all, what would be most practical and effective and supportive, and what is within justification and self interest - and to slowly but surely more from there, from here, one step at a time.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Day 214 - Fear of people - Being alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist doing things alone


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist going dancing / climbing alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as to which activity to participate with and which not, based on if I have someone to go with me, within this, I realize that I have not been applying this as a point of practicality but rather of fear, as I fear and resist going alone due to accepting the fear of facing people on my own, and thus, I allow this fear to limit me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resisting doing things alone due to going into my mind in thoughts as back chat and future projections and imaginations of how it will be when if go alone and have people / strangers talk to me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid going places alone because in my imaginations and future projections of how it will be I cannot come up with how it will be and so I fear the unknown from a starting point of not trusting myself, as if by not knowing exactly how it will be, who will be there and what they will say, I cannot trust that I will know how to handle the situation


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable doing things when I have someone to do it with, though when looking practically when I am at the event I do enjoy meeting new people and having new conversations, and so it is not an actual fear of people but more of an idea of fear as future projection and "worst case scenario" syndrom


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the following back chat when thinking of going somewhere alone:

"I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic"

"No one will talk to me and I will look lonely and rejected"

"The only people that will talk to me will be the ones I don't want talking to me"


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the back chat that I have been participating in and thus allowing myself to be directed by it without looking at what it is showing me as who I am


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the back chat "I will be standing there all alone and I will be pathetic" and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate being alone to being pathetic, as I have place a value on standing alone and have defined it within an energetic polarity as someone unwanted that symbolized being rejected, unwanted


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / idea that no one would prefer being alone and thus being alone would never be by choice, but rather a result of being rejected and unwanted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an idea of being alone and thus to separate myself from alone as the living word, within not allowing myself to see myself as who I am as the word alone, and thus within looking at myself as the expression of the word I have not allowed myself to investigate the word within and as myself


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that, when I am not in my mind in imaginations and ideas and judgments, and allow myself to be here in breath, I do enjoy myself being alone, and thus, I know within myself that being alone is not bad / pathetic, yet I have allowed myself to exist within this idea and live my life accordingly, as accepting this model / construct and playing by those rules, even though within myself I know that I do enjoy doing things alone when I allow myself to do so mind-free


When and as I want to do something and see the thoughts / fears / resistance of doing it alone come up, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, and remind myself that I do enjoy doing things alone and that it is only the mind as thoughts that is creating the resistance towards doing things alone - within this, I commit myself, when these thoughts as resistance towards doing things alone come up, to stop and breathe and reassess the situation and if practically doing it alone makes sense, then, to push myself to do it and over come the fear as a step towards self trust, as I have evaluated the situation and have directed myself to go ahead and enjoy myself and not allow myself to be limited by the mind's ideas


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my fear of being alone stems from my judgment towards being alone, and thus the very same judgment I hold towards others as I see them standing alone, I fear facing when it will be turned to me as I stand alone, within tis, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me, for standing alone, while in fact admiring them and looking up to them for not allowing themselves to be limited, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity within my relationship towards the word alone, as I desire the ability to stand alone and thus project that as comparison and hidden jealousy, and at the same time, as to hide from myself the admiration, to spite those that stand alone in judgemt as to view them as pathetic and thus create within myself the fear of being looked at by others in the same way that I judge those that stand alone


When and as I see myself judging others for being alone, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that being alone does not define who they are as good or bad, and that by participating in such in-mind gossip I am not only allowing the construct of judgment and gossip to be, but I am also causing myself direct consequences as the fear of being on the other side of the coin, as to be judged as I judge. And so, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to bring myself back here, and look at the physical reality of the situation without the attachments of values I have added to it, as good / bad

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Day 213 - Fear of people – Fear of phone calls

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist making phone calls


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of myself not wanting to make phone calls as child


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely, but instead I go into an experience and expression of anxiety and cannot make the phone call with ease


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making a phone call is in any way scary, not allowing myself to see the practicality of the situation as how safe it is since I am "protected" by the distance created by the technology of the phone, and so, in no way am I ever in direct danger while on the phone and thus the fear and resistance towards making phone calls is obviously irrational


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the irrational thoughts in my head that create the fear of making phone calls and thus, within following these thoughts I have allowed myself to limit and restrict myself from making  phone calls freely and with ease irrational


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make phone calls freely and with ease and instead I have created this fear and resistance around making calls and so I unnecessarily place myself in an experience of anxiety thus, through participating in the irrational thoughts of fear towards making phone calls I am creating inner energetic conflict and turmoil, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am doing this within the addiction to energy and not because there is any common sense in the fear of making phone calls


I realize that the fear of making phone calls is a manipulation of my mind to create energy as the inner conflict that arise within me through wanting to make a phone call but then resisting it due to fear and so I realize that this fear is not serving nor protecting me but instead it is limiting me from expressing myself freely and effectively, thus, when and as I see myself go into the fear or resistance of making a phone call I stop myself and breathe, I take some deep breaths and remind myself there is nothing to fear, I am perfectly safe on this side of the phone.


Within this I allow myself to look at the specific fears that come up and reassure myself that they are fictions of my imagination through the illusions of the mind and do not bare any truth as within the physical reality


and so, I commit myself, when facing the fear of making a phone call, to forgive myself in that very moment and within breath, to pick up the phone and make the call, thus proving to myself that I am self directed and am not directed by the mind as thoughts, fears and self limitations. Within this I commit myself to investigate the points of fear and within self forgiveness to clear myself from all and any points that do not in fact support me as life and instead sabotage me from expressing myself fully and living my true potential .


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making phone calls because I imagine in my mind the scenario of not getting across and having communication problems and in the end being rejected, and so, to prevent this imaginary imagination I will avoid making the phone call, not realizing and seeing the physical truth that if I don't allow myself to make phone calls in fear of hearing a possible no, I am actually preventing myself from hearing the yes, and so instead of supporting me in preparing myself better I am actually sabotaging myself from ever getting closer to that which I want, thus I realize, see and understand that by preventing myself from being rejected, within the belief that I am protecting myself, I am in fact harming myself and preventing myself from achieving anything substantial, thus, I realize that when and as I need to make a phone call and I see the fear of calling come up, and the back chat / thoughts as all the reasons and excuses why I should avoid making the call, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body, to the physical reality and see what is practical and within this I see that making the phone call and facing the possible rejection is the only way I can get closer to achieving my goals, while not making the phone call in fear is a certainty to a life of regret.


So the choice is clear, there really isn't any choice, within self support I must make the phone call, within self honesty I can only choose self honesty, and thus, I cannot allow myself to be directed by the fear any longer, I commit myself to when facing such points of fear, to stop and breathe, to prepare myself to the best of my ability within realizing that only practical application will perfect me, and so I cannot be as good as I want to be in my mind without walking the physical steps as actually doing it practically in the physical and through practice to improve and prefect my performance.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Day 212 - Fear of people – Voices in my head

Before I'm about to participate in some form of human interaction, or even when I'm just at the stage of thinking about doing something, the back chat comes up and "takes over me", I start hearing this voice in my head or seeing images as scenarios, telling me and showing me what can go wrong and how uncomfortable I will feel, and in most cases I believe the voices and images as the truth, as a representative of a rational reality and thus, I will change my plans accordingly, to suit the hallucinations in my head.


I realize that the voice and images are not an actual reflection of any rational reality but only of my fears and insecurities, and I realize that each time that I allow myself to follow them and change my self expression to accommodate to my fears I am giving them more power over me and am thus giving my power away, and so I grow weaker and weaker with every though / voice / image that I believe and follow.


I wanted to go rock climbing but have no one to go with, so the images were of me in that big room, climbing by myself, alone, this image connected to a feeling of rejection and of not belonging, like if I go alone it would be a test of whether I can make friends or not, like if I were to stay alone for the entire time that would mean that I have failed and if I end up knowing some new people I have succeeded - writing it out now, the funny this is that there are so many advantages of doing things alone, but because I have attached a negative emotional and association to it I avoid it.


I've had some times in my life where I allowed myself to do things alone and I found that I am much more with myself when I am not busy with others as entertainment, and so, even though I have proven to myself many times that doing things alone is awesome I still have allowed myself to exist in fear towards it, within an idea that it will reflect my poor ability and skills of interacting with people.


Another point here is that within participating in this fear of being rejected by people because I believe I do not know how to interact with them, and thus my being alone is proof of my failure and inadequacy - I cause myself to feel so uncomfortable, like I'm being tested, because I am testing myself, and then I don't allow myself to simply be in the moment in breath, but I try too hard, try to achieve something, to get a smile, or some form of recognition, to prove to myself that the people around me are noticing me as a positive being and not ignoring me as I don't exist or matter.


Here, this brings up the point of requiring some form of external feedback to recognize myself, as I have separated myself from myself to such an extent that I can only see my existence and hereness through the recognition of others.

Oh man…


I see this and I am appalled at how I have allowed myself to live and exist, how we as society have accepted and allowed this behavior as a total dependency and complete disregard of self.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the voices and the images in my head, and allow myself to follow them as the god of me without seeing and realizing that they are based only on fear and insecurity and not on common sense and the physical reality as what is really here


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect emotions to words and thus fear living them, as I have separated myself from words that I fear and within accepting this fear towards the words such as the word alone as an example, I have allowed myself to avoid these words as avoid living them as myself and thus allowing myself to be directed by the thoughts and fear of this word, instead of seeing the word for what it is and living it as allowing myself to express myself without fearing this word

Alone, rejection, friendly, belonging, left out


These are some of the words that come to me as I'm writing, as words that I have attached positive and negative energies to and thus desire to experience some and fear experiencing the others - all these words represents ideas I have created about myself and about relationships, and about morality and what is good and bad. But non of that is true, and non of that is actually decided by myself, it has all been programmed into me by myself through my acceptance through learning from my society, and thus, reliving the same construct - nothing new under the sun


I realize that when back chat and images come up within me as a reflection of some fear, I have a responsibility and an opportunity to stop myself and breathe, and to then investigate the words that I have attached the values and energies to, and to allow myself to clear myself form the energetic attachment I have placed on the words and to then allow myself to redefine them within the principle of equality as what is best for all.


I commit myself to when thoughts and back chat about fear of being alone come up within me, I stop and breathe, I look at the point as the natural self expression that I am limiting myself from, and I allow my self to within letting go the fear of the word alone, to consider all points available to me and make a clear decision within self honesty, as to what to participate with and what not. Thus, not to "do everything that I fear" blindly, but not allow myself to shy away from my own self expression due to fear


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the fear of people that I have is not actually a fear of people but a fear of myself as the experience of alone and rejection and the experience of me being tested, these are all done by me alone within and as my participation with my mind, and thus, I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that I do not fear people, but I fear my own reactions to my surroundings, and I have just beem blaming people on my reactions to them instead of taking full responsibility and seeing that it is not them, but it is me that is doing it to myself.