Thursday, August 15, 2013

Walking Slow and Steady - Thank You Bernard

Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!

As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.

So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer - To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind – I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this before his death.

Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return, and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point / opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously, so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking, then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath by breath until it’s done.

He told me so many time that all I must do is make a decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder, because each time I have developed another layer of memories  and experiences proving to myself that I cannot make the decision to change nor  walk the living example of equality, and like Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see through his words the truth of me.

Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear, because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that  with Bernard it, the reflection of myself, was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him, hiding was never an option.

There is an interesting point here because its not like he put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his example?

I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are so many other little points of insight.

He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?

I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit myself to myself as life.


bella said...

Thank you Maya!

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