Day 79 - The lowest point

I've noticed that I've been reacting to being told what to do, as well as to being corrected, and as an outflow of the reaction I've become spiteful and resentful towards the people that have been telling me what to do and correcting me. I've been trying to breathe through the reaction and to bring myself back to the physical as breath, to support myself through breath in not going into my mind and stopping the back chat, but I have fallen over and over - I have allowed myself to become possessed within the reaction and the experience is that I just cannot stop myself, when within the reaction possession - my mind is racing with back chat and the energy is rushing through my body, I haven't been able to actually stop myself, and be here.

As I'm being told what to do or as I'm being corrected I tend to tense up and immediately go into defense mode, giving excuses to what I had done within manipulation, lying about what I'd done to make it look like it's someone else's mistake/fault as if to try and get out of trouble, trying to manipulate the situation that whatever happens I look like I was OK, like it wasn't my fault/responsibility, while in fact in some cases I have allowed myself to cut corners and was simply called on it and in others there was simply a point to correct/change/do.

I recognize an element of fear within this, as I fear being seen as wrong by the other person, and specifically if they are an authority or I perceive them as superior to me within the situation, I fear/resist experiencing myself as inferior to the other person, I fear being used as in taken advantage of so I experience myself as defending my honor/name/personality, I allow myself to manipulate the situation so that I am always on top, and in control, instead of taking a breath and standing within self responsibility within self honesty, and simply facing my mistake or the task that needs to be done, admitting and even apologizing for cutting corners and to correct myself.

I realize I must investigate the point further, to allow myself to go deeper in the hidden depths of myself, to support myself in stopping this abusive behavior, as I see that it is unacceptable, I am not acting within self honesty, I am not acting like I would like others to act, I am acting within self interest, in defense mode, survival mode, instead of standing as self responsibility and participate equally in reality within the principle of equality and oneness and living as what is best for all.

I realize this point of reaction that come up within me is an opportunity for me to face these points within/as myself and to change/correct myself as I realize I have been existing as preprogrammed patterns, not being the directive principle of myself, my experience, nor my actions. I have been blaming others for what I have allowed myself to experience, and within that, have been separating myself from that which I fear to face within/as myself.

I know that all my experiences, and within that, all my reactions, are all self created. Through having a look at the example of my reactions towards being told what to do or being corrected, I've realized that the core "problem" is that I have created an idea/self definition about myself, as a positive self definition/idea of myself and when I get feedback from the environment that contradicts my positive view of myself I experience conflict, but what I haven't realized is that beneath the positive self definition, exists within me, many layers of contradicting self beliefs, negative self beliefs that I've accepted as myself, but I have judged them and have feared them, and thus, allowing myself to exist in fear of not being the positive idea/belief/definition I hold for myself, I fear of being the complete opposite, fear of not being seen in a positive light, as the positive idea I've defined myself as, fear of actually being all that I fear/resist as I have defined it as bad/low/dark.

So, when I react, as I am told what to do or am corrected, what actually is happening within me, is that these low/dark/bad/shameful points that I have accepted as myself but exist in fear of seeing myself equal to, are being activated within myself, and I experience inner conflict, thus the reaction.

I realize that these points are, and have been, existing within/as myself, though I haven't allowed myself to see/face them. And so, I have separated myself from them, and have blamed others for activating these points within me, while all along it has been my suppressed creation, and thus my responsibility, and no one else's.

What I see within this is that I have to bring myself to accept myself as the lowest/darkest points within myself, which I fear facing as myself, and through facing myself as the lowest/darkest points, and accepting myself as the lowest/darkest points, and forgiving myself as the lowest/darkest points, I will no longer be directed and influenced by other people, whatever is thrown at me - I will stand, because the points will be seen, accepted, forgiven and thus defused so to speak, within/as myself.

So, here, in the coming blogs, I open the points up, to face myself as the lowest/darkest parts of/as myself that I have done everything to suppress/ignore/hide/deny, to be able to stand equal to them, and correct myself within forgiveness. And to never again be directed by them, and thus, stand as self directive principle in the face of whatever comes my way, and through standing, support myself and others as myself, within stability and self honesty, as what is best for all.

So I start this process looking at the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" and see what comes up as I walk the character dimensions, in the blogs to come

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Day 34 – Hiding Myself through Exposure

This blog is also related to: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

I've been reading other people's journey to life blogs, and I've ran into a few of them talking about being shy and afraid of opening up to people because they fear getting hurt, for example – as I read these blogs and I relate to what the being is experiencing, but my behavior is opposite, I do not close off I do not shy away, I am very expressive and talkative and I act in a way that doesn't reveal me as shy, I hide myself as being shy through being open, but I am not really open, I am acting out, I am not really expressing myself, I am expressing a character I have created myself as, the funny/open/friendly character, when in fact inside I am full of self-judgment, fear of being rejected, desire to being approved…

I learned this character from my family, they are all very outspoken, very loud, very expressive, and in my eyes, very loved and appreciated by others, so I taught myself that to be loved and appreciated by others I must express myself in a  loud/funny/outgoing way, as this is what people like, and this is how I'm going to get the acceptance/love/approval I so very much yearn for, as I have not taught myself to give it to myself, thus I have created a dependency on others to supply me with the "drug of my choice" being acceptance / approval / love

I have allowed myself to become a puppet, where I act and dance and put on a show to get the audience to applaud, not allowing myself one moment of sitting back and actually breathing, slowing down within/as myself and actually expressing myself, I've been on this race to win the Oscar for best actress, having been acting so "real" that no one can see it's an act, acting so well that no one can see that in fact I am shy within myself, that I am doubting myself, that I am judging myself, that I am not sure of myself, that I just want to hide because I am so afraid of not being accepted. I hide behind the mask of exposure.

I guess this type of construct is used often, like if I don't want to be seen as something I will express that to the extreme to get all suspicions away, so it's an interesting polarity where I do not accept myself as who I am, and do not allow myself to express myself within the one side of the polarity as being shy, due to judging it as bad/wrong/unacceptable, and then I go ahead and play out a character, expressing the other side of the polarity as out-going/expressive/confident, to cover up the shameful truth of who I really am, and thus to become a deceitful actress, deceiving all around me that I claim to care about, and deceiving myself as cheating myself out of the opportunity to live as self-expression, but instead to live a lie of hiding.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as an experience of being shy / uncomfortable around people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people will think of me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a desire for acceptance/approval, within a belief that if I am accepted/approved by others that means I am OK, not realizing the double deception within that belief being A): the desire to be accepted by others is indicating I am not accepting myself and thus am not OK in my own judgment thus would be cool to check for myself who I am within what I am allowing within/as myself and seeing for myself if I am OK/acceptable or not, within that changing myself accordingly within self-trust, as trusting that I will know who I am and how to change. B): being accepted by others will never indicate that I am OK, but will only indicate the norm of society and thus the society will approve only that which allows it, as society, to maintain the deception it is living as, thus if society says I am OK, it by no means indicates that I am in fact OK from a perspective of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around people within an experience of not feeling comfortable within/as myself, as not knowing how to be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for being shy/insecure around people, within an expectation that I should always feel comfortable within/as myself, but the fact is that I don't and thus I abuse myself within self-judgment as shame for who I am within the experience of being shy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up to people from fear of their judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing the real me because I fear being rejected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to calculate what I share with people to make sure that I will be socially accepted, instead of allowing myself to express myself fully as who I am here in the moment within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of judgment/rejection to such an extent that I change myself as my expression to  become a character that I created as myself to be what I believe will be accepted/approved/liked, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live self-honesty within/as self-expression but to manipulate and deceive myself and my environment within creating myself as a character, not allowing myself to see/realize that by becoming a character I am defending/protecting my desire to be accepted/approved thus restricting/confining myself within/as the limitations of the mind as an idea of how one should be/act/behave, thus participating within/as judgment and suppression instead of living as life within self-honesty here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself as shy/uncomfortable/unconfident because I have created an idea that being shy is weak and I want to be strong, and thus I hide myself as who I am in the moment and act within/as a character that I believe will serve me within self-interest, thus allowing myself to cheat/deceive in order to get what I want as attention/approval/love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in a polarity of the mind as resisting/judging myself as shy/weak/vulnerable and instead present myself as confident/strong within a belief that this character will be loved/accepted and thus I will get what I want within self-interest, feeding my mind as desire for love/approval instead of living as myself here within self-dignity within self-honesty as allowing myself to be/face/see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within realizing that if I hide me from myself within separation I am making it that much harder for me to face myself as who I have allowed myself to be and become and thus harder to see within self-honesty if this is who I want to be within the principle of equality as what is best for all within dignifying myself as life, and thus making it impossible for me to change, rather than allowing myself to face/see myself for who I am within shyness/uncomfortableness  and from there to correct myself within investigating the why I allow myself to be shy/uncomfortable within/as myself, what am I showing myself within this point, and to correct myself from there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by deceiving myself and others through participating in the act of the character of funny/confident I am not allowing myself to see myself within self-expression nor do not allow myself to see myself within actual real communication because I am busy hiding myself, and thus I do not actually allow myself to know myself because of the fear of who I will be if I allow myself to be me, within a deep assumption that who I am is not good enough and thus even without really knowing who I will be I hide myself just in case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within a deep knowing that who I am is not going to be liked/accepted/loved/aproved, because who I am is self-interest, and thus I hide myself within that very self-interest as who I am, to be sure I get the love/acceptance I want/desire, instead of facing myself within self-responsibility and allowing myself to face myself as the self-interest being that I have allowed myself to become, and from within facing myself to make a directive decision within self-honesty within/as the principle of equality and oneness and to change myself within/as breath to be able to be a being that honors self as life within self-dignity and thus rebirthing myself from the self-interest being that I am now and busy hiding, into a being that supports myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to put on a mask of funny/comfortable than to face myself and correct myself within self-honesty to actually be able to express myself as funny/comfortable once I have proven to myself that I am not being directed by energy as fear and am in fact directing/expressing myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within/as a character rather than allowing myself to express myself as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being confident/outgoing is better than being shy/closed, not realizing that it is all about the starting point, and it's not about a polarity/competition between two different expressions, thus I realize that if I am existing within a polarity I have created of two expressions I am allowing myself to exist as the mind and not here as life within self-expression, thus I stop myself and breathe, and bring myself back here, I slowdown to be able to see myself as who I am in fact and not depend on the idea/value I have placed on expressions within a polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my behavior from what I have seen within my family's behavior, and within that to compare myself to what I see as their expression and try to live/express myself in the same way, within that I forgive myself for trapping myself within/as an idea of how I should express myself instead of allowing myself to be myself within self-expression as within self-honesty  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe I have to act in a specific way as a funny/confident character to be accepted by others instead of realizing myself within self-honesty, to know who I am and to accept myself within/as who I actually am, to not be dependent on the acceptance of others within the restriction I have placed upon myself to behave in a specific way to get their acceptance, but rather to accept myself as who I am as life, to from the point of acceptance to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all because I realize that only through changing myself within/as what is best for all will I be able to truly accept myself as life, knowing I am living within support of myself as life and not through/as the mind within fear as a character

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, to realize that any emotional/energetic reaction is of the mind and thus not real, I am lying to myself to believe I am in fact shy/uncomfortable, thus I commit myself to bring myself back here within/as breath

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, and to investigate what am I showing myself through this experience, who am I accepting myself to be within this experience, within this I commit myself to allowing myself to see/face myself for who I am in the moment because I realizie that only through first seeing myself for who I really am will I ever be able to change myself into that which supports all life as what is best for all

I commit myself to when experiencing myself within/as fear of people, to stop and breathe, to realize that I only fear people because I have not allowed myself to know myself within self-honesty, and thus I commit to investigating myself and to finding out for myself who I am in fact, to be able to accept myself as who I am

I commit myself to stop directing myself through the fear of what people may think/judge me for, and rather to direct myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop myself within/as the desire to be acceptance/approved within realizing that as long as I am directed by this desire I am un trustworthy for I am allowing myself to be directed by the force of self-interest instead of being self-directive as life within supporting myself as life, thus I commit myself to stopping myself as anything that I have not intentionally directed myself as, thus anything of the mind where I am not the self-directive principle I stop because I know it isn't me in fact as life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to what others think of me through realizing that what others think/accept is only representing their own point within their process/life, and thus I commit myself to establishing self-trust to be able to look at myself within/as self-honesty and to evaluate myself to/for myself within seeing am I acting/behaving in a way that actually supports life or am I acting/behaving in a way that supports self-interest and within that to move myself accordingly

I commit myself to explore new ways of expressing myself outside of the expressions I have created myself as, as characters, within that I commit myself to exploring myself without judgment

I commit myself to getting to know me for who I am as how I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to be able to see/face myself within self-honesty without judgment, I commit myself to stopping any form of self-judgment within/as breath and to realize that every point of self-judgment is pointing at something within me I do not want to see, and thus to push myself to look further within self-honesty to show me to myself until all of me as who I am has been exposed to me