Thursday, November 1, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness
Day 77 – Spitefulness – Self Realization
NOTE - This specific blog was written as an ongoing self support writing, as I was writing my daily blogs in regards to spitefulness, I'm posting it here as the final blog in the series, for the time being.
I've been opening up the point of spitefulness, but I see I cannot yet actually forgive it because I am still not allowing myself to see it without judging it. Thus I will dedicate this blog to defuse the self judgment regarding spitefulness, so that I can actually face the point within self honesty, here as breathe, and walk it through forgiveness.
I've been hurting myself all day, bumping into things, and creating pain within/as my physical body as myself. Is this how I am punishing myself, now that I see the evil I have become? I realize I am yet to actually see the evil as myself in it's totality, but I realize it exist within me, thus, I have allowed myself to be the judge of myself and now sentencing myself with the punishment as pain - but what do I get out of it? Is that how I would treat a child that I found out was nasty and evil? No. I would find out why, I would ask them to share all the points in detail so that we can walk them together and find new solutions/ways of action to exist in/as, I would support them to see their ways and to change. judging or punishing them would achieve nothing.
i commit to treat myself as i would treat a child to allow myself the innocence of a child, within realizing that I deserve to be embraced as a child because I never actually grew up into adulthood from perspective of actually learning how to effectively walk this life - so I'm learning now, for the first time, like a child, through allowing myself to see what I have done, who I have allowed myself to exist as, and to change, within the principle of innocence as equality and oneness, as finding the way to exist that is in fact best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful not realizing that by judging myself I am creating another character/dimension/system, and not actually supporting myself in changing the pattern/character of spitefulness, but rather hiding it from myself through self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for all the spiteful memories that have been coming up, instead of taking them one by one, and allowing myself to investigate them within self honesty, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being nasty towards beings in my life, lying to them, abusing them, not supporting them, using them as a tool to feel strong and powerful at their expense within disregarding them as life, disregarding them as living beings that walk this earth and are in fact my equals
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful because I have created myself as the main personality as being a nice/good person and thus I realize that within walking the point of myself as spiteful I will have to let go of the nice/good personality that I have believed myself to be if I am to admit to being spiteful, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own self created personalities, that I have sculptured myself as through the years within self interest as I have realized that it is the most effective personality for me to exist as within the society I come from, and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go of the nice/good personality that I have put in so much energy to create and maintain, because I fear not being a nice/good person, who will I be if I am not nice/good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the nice /good act as a character because I have learnt from those around me that that is the way for me to get that which I want which is to be loved/approved/appreciated/accepted, and within where I come from, to get that one must be a nice/good person, thus within opening up the spiteful character I fear losing myself as the nice/good person, not allowing myself to stand up and face the fact that the nice/good person I believe myself to be is but an illusion, an act, a character, made up by myself and thus there is nothing really to lose because it has never really been me in fact, it has always just been an act.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful and within the judgment I have allowed myself to go into shame due to the spiteful thoughts as back chat I have been participating within and hiding from the eyes of all, including myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use judgment/shame to keep me trapped/enslaved to the mind as the characters and personalities I have created myself as and now within believing myself to be them, not wanting to let them go in fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go the personalities because I fear losing myself and within this fear I am anxious about what demons will emerge if I let go the act of being a nice/good person, within believing myself to be a nice/good person I have existed as/within a polarity and thus I fear losing the positive side of the polarity due to the fear of falling into the negative side, not realizing that by letting go both sides of the polarity I, as self, remain, so within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the polarity of good/bad and thus trap myself in the fear of letting go the good and falling into bad, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within separation of myself as not knowing who I am and thus fearing of what will emerge if I am to let go the act, and expose myself to myself within the back chat/hidden mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I do in fact know myself as the demon of spitefulness, but will not allow myself to actually look at it due to accepting myself as the character of judgment, not realizing that only through letting go the judgment and allowing myself to face myself can I start moving/directing myself into self change as that which is best for all within equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live/exist as self judgment and thus, within judging myself for who I am, I have created a belief within me that I must act like a good/nice personality/character in order to be worthy of living, not realizing that within allowing myself to participate in expressing myself through a character I have diminished myself time and time again to further believe that I must hide as who I am because if I just allow myself to be me I will not be loved/approved/validated/accepted, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by participating in self judgment I am in fact recreating over and over the pattern of self judgment, not realizing that through living as it I am making the pattern stronger and myself as life as self expression weaker, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through self judgment, not realizing the cycle of self diminishment I am allowing myself to exist as through my participation within/as self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be loved/approved/validated/accepted in order to survive and thus have allowed myself to compromise myself within the starting point of believing I am not worthy for acceptance, not realizing that the only one who I really need/want to accept me, in order to be able to survive, is me, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept/love me, because I have always judged myself as not good enough, and not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within/as spitefulness, even though that is in fact who/what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and thus, I sabotage myself through sabotaging any chance of self realization and change, because if I do not accept myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as spitefulness, how will I ever be able to forgive myself within embracing myself as life and making a commitment to change, I realize that only through real self honest self forgiveness will I be able to humbly see myself as the fuck up that I am, as spitefulness/evil, and to from seeing who/what I am to walk the process of self change, within this I realize that without allowing myself to initially accept myself within the realization that I have created myself as such because I didn't know any better, and now that I do, I can do what is required to change, within this I realize that now, knowing/seeing this point, if I still don't do what it takes to change, which is to let go the judgment and move on in self correction, then I know I am in fact spiteful towards myself for not allowing myself to do what it takes within deliberate self sabotage, because now I am that much more responsible, thus, I know I must let go the judgment/shame, and go deep, and allow myself to see myself within realizing that I am a organic robot, a system, and not to take it personally, I am here now, as self directive principle, walking myself into life, into change. So I realize there is no point hitting myself over the head for what is in the past and cannot be changed, the only practical thing to do, is to see it for what it is, and allow myself to move through it as self acceptance, as myself without separation
I realize that I must accept myself as spitefulness, as the evil of all evil, I must be willing to see all those evil/nasty/dark parts of me within self honesty and thus no judgment, because all is one - evil exists and spitefulness exists, so it exists as me and I exist as it, as long as I don't allow myself to see me as the evil of all evils I am separating myself from all that is here, as murder, rape, starvation, manipulation, abuse, greed, gossip, blame - I am all that, all that exists in me, and I must allow myself to see this, to actually see it as myself as self realization so that I can figure out how I designed myself as it, so that I know how/why/when I do it, so that I can stop myself and change. I realize that if I don't allow myself to investigate myself as all the evil that I see exists in the world, it would mean I am shutting my eyes, I am not willing to be part of it - but I am part of it.
I know I am courageous enough to face this point, I am here, that's all that I really need, I am here, I don't need the appreciation/acceptance/validation of any one, all I need is to breathe here and move myself, and see myself as all the evil that I have participated within, as all the evil that exist, so that I can learn from it, so that I can change myself, so that I can show others that which I have learned and changed and they can also learn and change, so that we can all stop fucking around within/as spitefulness/evil, as we create a world of abuse/suffering, and start living as support of all as equals and create a heaven on the earth that we share.
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2 comments:
Thanks Maya!
cool Maya.
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