Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:

Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4

Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being judged by others, as the fear of being seen as wrong/stupid/slow/bad at what I'm doing

When I am being corrected or told what to do, I experience it as if the other is looking down at me, as they need to correct me or tell me what to do because I am unable to get it on my own, so I experience myself as less than them just by them correcting me or telling me what to do. The point here is that it's not just me evaluating myself as less than, within the construct of self diminishment, the fear is in regards to them seeing/knowing it, as they have corrected me thus they must have already judged me and see me as wrong/stupid/slow… within this I see their judgment as a point of confirmation of my own self diminishment, yet my self diminishment is hidden through the characters I have created myself as, as I present myself as confident, outgoing, smart, interesting, because that is how I want to see myself and be seen as, thus I fear my actual beingness as inferior being exposed and confirmed through how I perceive others are seeing me.

So why do I fear being judged by others? Why do I care what they think of me? Why do I fear them thinking I am stupid/slow/inadequate? Why am I allowing myself to see myself through their eyes, and not even their eyes but actually what I perceive to be in their eyes, thus, why do I fear my own self projected self judgment?

A point to look at within this is how do I exist when I am "on the other side of the coin", when I correct others or judge them? Within this question I see that I fear being corrected/judged by others within and expectation that they will correct/judge me as I do them, and just by asking myself this question I already see the abusive nature I have allowed myself to exist as, as through correcting others I allow myself to judge them - I judge people as less than me because I believe I know more than them, or because I perceive them to be in an inferior position, I tend to resent them, I act in spitefulness towards them, I bully them, in the little things, I patronize them as I make myself seam helpful and caring but am really getting a kick off of their inadequacy that is giving me the opportunity to shine, I speak in a tonality to make sure they know how small they are, to make myself feel bigger, I jump at the opportunity to be on top, I abuse my power through not supporting them as myself within equality but rather dismissing them, keeping them down, to experience the energetic high of being superior, as temporary as it may be. I realize that in fact I do it all from a starting point of covering up / hiding my own inferiority complex, but that is just a justification, an excuse I tell myself to make it OK, while I am in fact allowing myself to participate in inequality, as a form of abuse, as subtle or extreme as it may be.

So, why do I fear being judged? In essence, I fear receiving the same treatment, I fear being on the other side, I fear receiving that which I have given within my participation within/as judgment of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards being corrected within the idea that when I am being corrected I am being judged as wrong/stupid/slow/incompetent, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect between being corrected and being judged, thus not allowing myself to be here and hear the correction because I automatically go into my mind and try to analyze what the other is thinking of me, thus not allowing myself to practically implement the correction that is being suggested, within this, I commit myself to, when being corrected, when I see myself going into fear of judgment, to stop and breathe, to allow myself to listen unconditionally to what is being said to me, and from a point of hearing what is being said here, to act within consideration of the practicality of the physical reality, and not allow myself to go into my mind as fear of judgment, as I realize it is an alternate reality, as an illusion, that I cannot trust as fact, as it is all self created and based on fears/beliefs/ideas, thus I support myself to be here and hear what is physically being said, and I apply myself within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all, without attaching any energetic reaction to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/define myself through what others think of me, and within this I haven't realized that what others actually think of me is their own self creation, based on their mind bubble they have created for themselves, and thus has nothing to do with me actually, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that what others think of me actually has an impact on who I am, and within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that by being directed by what others think of me, and I am allowing myself to fall in the mind's trap as being directed by what others are thinking of me instead of being self directive within/as breath, as who I am in the moment, it's funny really, because I realize they do not impact me with what they think unless I allow it to impact me, and then it does, through how I exist in fear of what they might think… it's crazy... Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in most cases they are not even thinking of me what I think they are thinking of me, it is all created in my mind through projecting my own self judgment onto them, and then believing them to be judging me and fearing their judgment, while all along not seeing the point that if they were judging me, it wouldn't in fact reflect me, but rather them, and wither they are judging me or not, the fear of their judgment indicates my own self judgment, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgment from myself, as I do not accept myself unconditionally, as I judge myself for making mistakes and for being corrected as it indicates I have made a mistake, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and within that to project my self judgment onto others and allow myself to exist in fear that seams to me to be coming from "out there" when in fact I am the sole creator of it within/as myself as the mind, thus I commit myself to investigate all point of fear of judgment and take it back to self within realizing that it is all indicating points iwthin myself that I am judging myself for and thus not allowing myself to accept/love myself unconditionally as who I am as life, and as I have mentioned before, as I do not allow myself to accept myself, I hide myself from myself within judgment and thus sabotage myself from the possibility of self change into becoming a being that lives in self dignity/acceptance/trust, to allow myself to become a being that supports self as life and creates a world that is best for all, and not based on fears/self interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of others judging me to such an extent that I experience myself frozen, as paralyzed, as not allowing myself to make any move as self expression due to fear of being judged, and within that not allowing myself to accept corrections/instructions even if they are completely "innocent" from a perspective that they simply are what they are, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of being seen as stupid/slow/inadequate direct me in such a way that I am in fact creating myself as slow/stupid/inadequate through my participation within/as the mind as fears instead of standing as life, and living here as breath in every moment

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