Monday, November 12, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Within investigating the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do", within opening up the fear dimension of this character, the three statements of fear below are all related to my fear of authority.
1. I fear authority / I fear confronting authority
2. I fear being yelled at or upset with or punished
3. I fear being someone's slave, as in being in a position of having to do what another tells me to do
There is a specific memory that comes up within me every time I look at the point of fear of authority. I was in the 10th grade, and while in class was talking to a class mate, at one point the teacher, that was disturb by our chatting, turned to us and shouted at me to shut up - I was shocked, insulted, and angry, "how dare he speak to me like that?". During the remaining of the lesson I sat very quietly and very spitefully, reliving him shouting at me in my mind, blaming him for addressing only me while we were both chatting with each other, blaming him for shouting at me to shut up, thinking to myself as back chat "that is so rude, a teacher shouldn’t speak in such a way to a pupil", basically compounding and energizing the reaction within me.
After the lesson was over I came up to him, I told him I want to talk to him when he is free after the other pupils have left and then I went at it, I told him assertively that it's unacceptable to speak like that to a pupil especially in front of the entire class, he was rather calm, expressed that its unacceptable that speak during class, but he then apologized and agreed with me that he shouldn't have reacted in such a way, but, because I had build up all this energy within myself I was so overwhelmed by the energy and my eyes were tearing as I was telling him how badly he behaved - so I'm standing there, assertive one the one hand but with tears in my eyes, on the other. When he saw my eyes water he commented on it, and within anger I told him to ignore it, it was irrelevant and made me feel like he is now feeling sorry for me, I didn't intend to cry, I wanted to be strong and direct as I scold him.
The conversation went on just for a few moments, looking at it now I see that he agreed with me and was apologetic, but the memory I was left with created the self belief within myself that I am intimidated/afraid/threatened by authority because of the experience of overwhelmingness that caused me to tear up.
Now that I am revisiting the memory, I see that I actually stood up to him in spite of him being an authority, showing something else that the memory and the self definition created by it doesn't represent, but because I cried and saw it as a weakness I've turned the entire scenario in my mind into a self belief that I fear authority, and have lived that fear ever since. I experience it as I fear approaching authority, fear talking to them, fear getting in trouble with them - I basically want to be invisible from the eye of the authority.
A point within the experience of being intimidated/threatened by authority is that I fear seaming weak in front of authority, as playing a power game, not realizing that by playing the power game I am in fact accepting them as my authority, because if I didn't see them as authority/superior and if that wouldn't activate the competition within me there wouldn't be any ground to play the power game, so I participate in playing this power game, that I have created in my mind, instead of stopping the game all together and realizing equality, as two equal human being.
Looking at it from adult eyes, it's easier to see that we are actually equal, and still I experience myself within the fear of authority, but as children, man, children are constantly and continuously suppressed into believing in the construct of authority, so no wonder that as adults it is so imbedded within and as us, as our very beingness, as an accepted part of reality.
In the system as we know it, we are faced with authority as an integral part of the system, as children it starts with our parents and continues to other adult figures as teachers / principles/neighbors - children are basically submitted to accept the authority of anyone that is older than them, and as we grow older we accept authority as our boss, professors, doctors, the police, and government officials.
It's an interesting thing though, because, as we accept these figures as authority we accept them as superior and powerful, as if they have power over us, and thus there exists fear - not realizing that we have given them power over us through our acceptance of the construct of authority within the acceptance of the current system, as it exists today - so we are in fact creating and then giving power to our own fear of authority, through creating authority within our acceptance. Fear of authority is accepted and promoted through the very system we live within/as, it is part of how we have created the system, just as we have created the family construct, where the point of authority is a point of inequality and based on inflicting fear and terror to gain control.
It is rather odd that we accept certain figures in our lives to be an authority over us, when in fact they are simply holding on to a specific job and have specific responsibilities - we accept the hierarchy of authority instead of creating a society that is based on equality, as suggested by the Equal Money System, where no one has power over any one else, where no one threatens or intimidates any one else merely based on their placement in the system, or their role/responsibility in society - we can each have different responsibilities and take part in different aspect of society, some of us can be managers from perspective of being in charge and responsible of a bigger part of the system, while others are responsible for a small part, but we can do this without having to resort to being bullied/threatened/intimidated by authority, and instead exist as equals, as different organs in one body, that each have a specific role and all work together, equally valuable as different parts of the one system/earth/existence, that we share.
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