Showing posts with label comperison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comperison. Show all posts
Thursday, December 27, 2012
The point of self acceptance or more accurately the lack of it, is extensive within me. I wrote out the other day in my blog Day 127 – Voices in My head, the back chat that came up within me while I was listening to an Eqafe interview and I noticed that a big portion of it is based on me not accepting myself unconditionally, lots of thought of self judgment coming up as comparison and competition towards others once I've defined them as more than me in one aspect or another in which I have defined and judged myself for lacking in myself, many thoughts of desires as desiring something external to fulfill me to give me a sense of completion, as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself within unconditional self acceptance, as I believe I am lacking and thus require something external, expressed through desires and fantasies, and of course straight forward thoughts of self judgment, actually beating myself up for not standing up as an ideal I have created in my mind.
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
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Friday, November 9, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being special, within believing that only through being special will I deserve the right for being accepted / loved / appreciated, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one needs to do something or be someone special in order to have the right to live in dignity and honor, not realizing that within this belief I am allowing and justifying abuse through disregarding beings due to them not being special, as not good / interesting / smart enough to earn their right to live peacefully
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do/be something special within the starting point of survival within the belief that I need to be accepted / loved / appreciated by others to survive in this world and live a life of content, not realizing that that within the principle of equality and oneness all have the basic right to live with dignity/respect/support and it is within this belief that I allow the current system to continue as it is within creating competition as to who is most special to be granted the right for happiness, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the desire to be appreciated / loved / accepted by others is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself, and within that indicating that I am in fact living as separation from/as myself, and thus it is not about being special, to survive through the acceptance of others within separating from myself, but rather about accepting myself within self honesty to be one with myself to be then able to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all, to create a world that no one needs/requires to be special in any way to survive and live a dignified life, and within not having to be special within a starting point of survival to be able to actually live as self expression as our individuality and allow ourselves explore/enjoy life as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ordinary within the idea I have attached to being ordinary as not good enough, not special, not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the concept of equality within fear of being like every body else, not realizing that I have attached an idea I have created in my mind, trying to interpret equality through the eyes of the mind, and within that exist in fear of equality due to the fear of not being special / unique, thus I realize that any fear I hold towards equality within the fear of being ordinary is a result of my mind's interpretation within fear, not allowing myself to realize myself as life and to see the vast possibilities of self expression when one doesn't live in fear of survival within putting on personalities of specialness, which are in fact all lies, in order to get along in society, based on the starting point of not actually accepting oneself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist/react to being corrected due to the fear of letting go of my personality of being special, and within that to have people see that I am not as special they might have thought I was, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people's bubble of me burst, not seeing that I have been living a lie within letting/allowing others to see me through a veil of personalities/characters, and thus have never allowed myself to actually live as self expression as who I am, within the initial starting point of separation, thus I commit myself to walking the process of self intimacy within self honesty, to know myself and accept myself and become one and equal within/as myself, to let go the desire of being special, within creating personalities to deceive those around me, and instead to live as myself in dignity, and will/push myself to change in any point I see need direction within a starting point of being/becoming living example of equality as what is best for all, within realizing that it starts with self as self acceptance within equality and oneness within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as special within a self created personality, within using it as a form of manipulation to impress others and get things done my way, while at the same time believing myself to be more than others due to believing my self created specialness, and thus more deserving of having my self interest satisfied, while disregarding all around me within considering their interests as what is best for all within equality as the interest that serve and support all, as I have defined myself as special, more important and thus more deserving to have my desires met, within this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and justify the concept of specialness, and within that positively reinforcing children through telling them they are so special, within that creating the connection between being accepted and the necessity of being special, within that creating fear of losing that specialness, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very construct of specialness is based in fear, and is not supportive of life one bit, within creating the desire and dependency on being seen as special, creating the expectation of being special, creating the attraction to those that we perceive are special, creating competition and much much more, all in the name of separation, of not actually knowing who we are as life, not accepting ourselves,
I commit myself to show that the teaching/programming of children of the concept of specialness is abusive and disregards all life as equals, as it creates a condition of being special as a necessity for a substantial fulfilled life, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the energy of desire of being special, and bring myself back here in awareness of equality as all life is here and does not need to be special, all is what it is, and any form of specialness would be a result of judgment as separation
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