Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5

Within the character of being corrected/told what to do, within investigating the fear dimension, I see a point of not being special/unique as I would like to be, so the point of fear would then be fear of letting go the idea of myself as special/unique.

The point comes up within the interpretation of the scenario of being corrected as if I had presented myself in a specific way, that make others perceive me as special/unique/smart/interesting… and then within making a mistake and thus having to be corrected/told what to do, the bubble had burst, and it's not that they think badly of me, but they no longer think I am especially smart/interesting/intelligent/competent... I am now reduced to being just another somebody, another imperfect mortal, mistakes and all….

So the point of fear is the fear of losing the idea of myself as being special and within it, losing being seen as special. So this brings up the obvious question of why do I believe I require being special? Why do I need to be more than myself as specialness? and again, this desire to be special reveals the point of self diminishment as the core beingness as who I have allowed myself to become, where I see that due to not actually accepting myself, not loving myself, not believing I am worthy of life as one and equal to all that is life, I create an idea/belief within myself that I require being special, to accept myself, to love myself and to see myself as worthy, and within that a belief that others as myself will see it in the same way, where they expect me to be special as if to earn my right for respect, acceptance, love, my right to life. this too within the idea, as perceived belief that the value of life lies within other's acceptance of me.

Within the desire to be special there is a point of expecting to get something out of it, like being special is a key to get things to go my way within self interest, wither it is attention, acceptance, or whatever it may me, there is a belief that being special will provide me with more than not being special, thus it is seen as an asset, thus the fear of losing it, or rather the fear of exposing the actuality of myself as not being special is the fear of losing this power I believed I had to manipulate people to get things done my way.

I have realized that within equality all are equally special/unique within their individuality as their personalities of the mind, as all have different experiences/perspective/beliefs/preferences…. and within all being different from the perspective of the mind, no one can actually be special, thus the desire to be special is based in valuing some ideas/skills/experiences/perspectives more than others, through judgment, and done within self interest thus does not consider all as what is best for all in equality, no, specialness is the justification that one deserve more than others and at the expense of others.

So, in fact, being corrected is a trigger point to face myself as I see the fear of the bubble of the idea/perception of me as who I present myself to be, is bursts, and the interesting thing is that within the desire to be special, I can take the failure/mistake/correction into the polarity personality and create myself as special from the perspective of being a failure, thus always looking for points of comparison, finding a polarity I can be the most at, even if it is a "negative" most, as being most corrected, most wrong, slowest...

It's fascinating how little of who I am I actually know, and how I am like a puppet, moving through out myself, creating myself within self interest to be seen, validated, as anything, even if I had deemed it bad, as long as I can define myself by it, instead of simply being me, being the living expression of me, as life, in breath, in the simplistically of the physical reality in oneness and equality, why do I need to define myself through other's eyes, does a tree need to define itself to be? No it is what it is, no definition or interpretation or approval needed.


Post a Comment