Monday, November 26, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
Day 101 - What is REAL - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
I realize that all that I exist as, as the mind, is an illusion - not only an illusion, but an abusive one, an illusion that is directly abusing myself through creating conflict and friction, creating an unstable experience of ups and downs, that then, as an outflow I allow it to directs me to abuse others to have a sense of control and stability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, as allowing myself to experience ups and downs and then to try and have a sense of control through playing power games with those around me, trying to win, through any means necessary including the allowance of direct and indirect abuse
I realize that I have allowed the mind to play tricks on me, as I allow myself to experience blame or resentment towards someone in my environment, and I believe it to be so, I believe the blame and resentment to be valid, when in fact there are always many layers beneath it, that I am not allowing myself to see through my acceptance and participation with the mind's illusion. When and as I see myself going into the mind, as a reaction towards another in my environment, as blame and resentment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that this is an opportunity to stop my participation with the mind, it's an opportunity to see/find/face another layer within myself that I have been hiding from myself through/within my acceptance of the blame / resentment, thus, I direct myself to see the reaction as a gift and not judge myself for it but rather allow myself to look within self honesty and find the point that is revealing itself, right beneath the surface, if I would only be willing to see it. Within this I realize that the reaction I am experiencing towards another is actually a point of self support, if I allow myself to take it as such, if I allow myself to investigate myself within self honesty, thus, I commit myself, when and as I react to another, to ask myself, and allow myself to see what am I showing myself, what have I been resisting changing through not allowing myself to see, what have I been trying to hold onto? Within this I realize that the mind is creating distractions for me to not have to face myself, and within my participation I am allowing it to continue doing so, as an agreement I have made with my mind, allowing it to distract me from seeing points I don't want to see, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, to prefer living in an illusion, to continue existing in fear, instead of allowing myself to face myself within realizing that it is all within myself, it is me, there is nothing to fear, it is not something separate that can hurt me, it is me, thus I commit myself to apply self honesty, and will myself to face myself, because I realize only through allowing myself to face myself will I be able to stop being directed by the mind, and start directing myself as actual self support, and from there to change myself and become a human being that can be trusted
I realize that I have accepted these illusions because I have not been self honest with myself, thus I have allowed myself to hide the actuality of myself within separation of myself, doing so within self interest, as I prefer existing as a lie that makes me look good and justifies myself rather than facing the truth, as the actual reality of who I am, which would imply taking responsibility for my experience/behavior/reaction and all that I participate with and exist as. Thus, I realize that I have been deliberate in my acceptance of the mind, as a preference not to see/face myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself deliberately through my acceptance and participation within/as the mind, I commit myself to stop this, I commit myself push through the resistance and take self responsibility through first of all seeing/facing who I am, and within self forgiveness to start letting go of the constructs of myself
I realize that I have been existing as the mind without ever questioning it, I realize I have allowed myself to play dumb and hope that those that taught me all that I know, knew what they were talking about, and thus not seeing myself as responsible because I blindly trusted others, instead of using common sense, within seeing reality for hat it is, and within the directive of creating a world that is worth living in for all as the only accepted possibility for existence, I forgive myself for accepting reality as it is and thus have compromised myself, my children and all of life, instead of expanding myself and allowing myself to see that we create the world through our acceptance and allowance, and if the world is unacceptable it's because we are allowing it to continue as it is, and that only we/I can change it through allowing myself to step out of the mind, that has created this mess, and take responsibility and direct myself to create myself as trust worthy, and in turn a world that is life worthy for all
I commit myself to investigate the desteni material, to understand the design of the mind, so that I can stop taking all of it personally within guilt and shame and can start changing my relationship to it, I realize the value of understanding what I am dealing, and I realize it's my responsibility to self educate myself as to how it works, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself excuses as to why not investigate the material, I realize that it will take dedication and perseverance, and that even though I have never done it before, I know it's up to me to do it now, thus I commit myself to dedicate myself to understanding how the mind works through listening to the information provided by desteni, and to apply the information daily into myself within investigating myself as to not allow it to become another idea/perspective/interpretation/belief, but to see/investigate for myself, within my life, within my patterns, and to prove to myself it's validity
I realize that by participating within/as the mind as thoughts / feelings / emotions / reaction, I am only considering myself and disregarding all of existence and all living beings within it, within this I realize that I have been justifying myself within self interest because from the perspective of the mind, only I exist, only I count, only I need to be considered, thus, I haven't allowed myself to care about anything but myself, I have been existing in isolation for everything and everyone through existing in/as the mind - I realize that this world would be a great place if we all stop living in isolation, and within this I realize that my personal experience would be way cooler if I stop allowing myself to be enslaved to the mind in isolation, and start living as one with all life that is here, considering all that is here, caring for all that is here, and actually caring for myself.
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