Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

 

this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

The cycle of self worthlessness is a vicious one because it feeds off of itself, the more you believe yourself to be worthless the less you apply yourself in the physical and thus prove to yourself your worthlessness, because you are not practically doing anything of worth, as in not moving/applying yourself in the physical, so within observing this, your self belief in regards to worthlessness grows stronger and stronger the more you participate with it. within this cycle one must realize that self is creating this through self's participation and acceptance and thus only self can get self out of the cycle.

For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.

If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.

Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.

I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion

When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life

Day 16 – Child or adult polarity - creating Fear of Authority

 

This blog is a continuation of my previous blog:  

day 14 - The child/adult character  

day 15 - Child/adult character creating the outsider character

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority within the belief that authority has power over me and thus has the ability to hurt/harm me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the character of a child within separating myself from adults within defining them as the authority over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing that by creating myself as the  child character within the definition I have created of being weak and powerless thus in the power of authority as adults, I have in fact created, through my acceptance and allowance, the authority character and have handed over to it my power within fear and thus have giving my acceptance to all to give their power away to authority, creating a world of followers abdicating responsibility within fear of standing up in the face of authority within the belief that authority has the power, but what I haven’t realized is that the only power any authority has is the power given to it by self, thus I can stop and change myself and thus the polarity of the characters as child/powerless and adult/authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing adults to be authority over children, within defining authority in context of power and force, thus accepting and allowing adults to use force/power towards children by the acceptance of them being the authority over children, not allowing myself to consider the possibility that all are in fact equal and there is no reason for one to have authority over another within a context of force/power but rather to use authority as a form of support through realizing that adults have the ability to support and serve children and thus are authorized to do so within the principle of equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define authority within the context of power within the polarity game of weak/strong, and through this definition of authority I have connected authority to the opportunity to abuse the weaker, instead of seeing that authority is given through acceptance and is thus a reflection of what we give our acceptance and approval to. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to authorize authority as an opportunity to abuse the weak within accepting the polarity of weak/strong to begin with, and within allowing myself to live and exist as and within a world that is fighting for survival and not supporting each other as life instead of stopping the polarity and living as what is best for all within the principle of equality, and thus using authority within the principle of equality, where the strong support and protect the weak and not abuse them for power/greed

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how authority, within myself and the world as myself, is being abused through our acceptance of the polarity within the fight for survival, and that through authority we justify abusing/manipulating the weak in order to feel the power and the illusion of stability within a world of survival/polarity/abuse,

I commit myself to show myself and the world as myself that authority can be re-defined as the act of support, where we use our authority/power/strength to support those that cannot support themselves until they are able to stand as equals, until authority is no longer necessary

I commit myself to stopping my participation with the child/adult character, from both sides od the coin, thus not allowing myself to participate in fear of authority as adult, and not allow myself to abuse authority towards children.

I realized authority is given by me and thus fearing authority is a sub-character of the child/adult character which I have created and thus is not in fact real, so I must be able to stop it.

I am here, within and as breath, I am not the character I have created as myself and have defined myself as, I am life, I am not limited to living as the characters that I have programmed myself as, I can let go the characters and set myself free to live as one and equal within practically living out within every breath that which is best for all – I commit myself to myself as life, to walk until it is done.

day 14 - The child or adult polarity

I have a memory of my mom telling us she is still a child that has never grown up, as if growing up entails something you have to do or understand, like there is a condition or test and there are those who become grownups and those who don’t.

Recently I have noticed that I have created myself as a character that hasn’t grown up as well. This experience has been with me for many years. I lived within separation where there were adults (them) and children (us), and I noticed that the age of the grown up always was a few steps/years away from me, but I never got there – now I am 32 and all my friends are having babies, and there is a conflict in my mind because everybody around me is growing up, and I guess we must be aduts if we are parents and teachers and we do grown up stuff, but I don’t feel like an adult. what does being an adult feel like anyway? How have I defined an adult/child?

 

I see that I have separated myself from the definition I have created to the word “adult”, and have created for myself a child character that comes up and expresses the separation I feel from this foreign thing I see as being an adult. By going into the character of a child I am expressing/manifesting the separation I have created towards the definition I have created of an adult. I am the creator of the definition I hold for the concept "adults", and thus the creator of the separation I have been participating within towards that word, and to top it all, I have created a character as a child to be the expression of the first two creations I have mentioned, to then trap myself in my own creation, experiencing and participating as inferiority/abuse/manipulation, only to hide from myself the fact that I am the creator of all aspects of this construct and thus can stop it within one breath if only i would allow myself to. creating through my allowance and stopping through my allowance.

What I see within this is that through the child character I am living out the desire to stay a child within the definition of a child as not having to take responsibility while an adult has responsibilities. I see I have used the memory of my mom to justify to myself my remaining a child, thus giving myself an excuse to not take self responsibility.

I also realize i have been creating the character of an adult as a polarity character to that of the child character, so by being a child I am creating someone else as the adult character, there is the one taking responsibility and the one that abdicated responsibility and that is my basic definition of child/adult.

Looking at it now I see that this construct has created conflict within my relationships, on the one hand I do not want to be the adult due to avoiding taking self responsibility, but on the other hand I don’t want to be treated like a child due to the definition i have created for the child character as being inferior.
Within relationships I would prefer to be the one deciding/directing which character we are playing in each situation, but if it so happens that the other “player” is not playing along with the characters I have signed us up for, but is acting out as a different character, forcing me to change my character to match the situation - I will react within spitefulness, not realizing that the reason I am reacting is that I am not getting my way, I am not able to manipulate the situation to get what I want - and that pisses me off.

As the child character within my definition of a child I would get away with anything, expect everybody to adjust themselves to me because I am the child, and when I don’t get my way going into a temper tantrum is legitimate because I am a child, children are allowed to do anything and everything and do not have to live out the consequences. Consequences are for adults, adults have to clean up the mess the children did, they have to make sure everything is taken care of, to look at the big picture and not just the fun parts, the adult has to know what they are doing while children can make mistakes because they are growing and learning at all times.

ready to let this construct of characters go, because i realize i must take responsibility for the mess i have created, and that there isn't anyone that could do it for me, so if i don't do it no one will. thus it's time to let go the definition of child/adult and to actually grow up from the perspective of taking self responsibility. to stop living as a character, to stop manipulating and being manipulated within the starting point of not facing myself and not taking self responsibility - to simply stop, so that from stopping i can stand up and walk within the starting point of what is best for all as life, to support myself as life and not as characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation within the definition of child/adult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the definition of adult within the self belief that have not grown up and will remain a child forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/respect adults within the separation I have created and within the definition of adults being more than children within their abilities/understanding of the world and the reality, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in these definitions I have created and live and be directed by them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live within/as a fairytale/illusion within believing that I am in fact a child that doesn’t know how to grow up by creating myself as a character of a child, not realizing that any character I create myself as and any definition I believe myself to be are not real as life, and within participating within them I am abdicating my right to life and and abusing myself as life within limiting myself to a character and not allowing myself to actually express here as life as what is here in each and every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that one must have a set of rules and do a set of actions in order to become an adult within the definition I have created to being an adult

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there isn’t a line crossing life separating between children and adult within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a line and thus create and participate and allow within myself and within the world as myself the consequential outflow of a separating line between children and adults such as any and all inferiority/superiority construct within our sociality specifically between children and adults

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a character of a child based on a memory of my mother and thus copying her through my interpretation of her experience, and not allowing myself to explore and learn the world and my reality openly but to limit myself to the experience I’ve seen as my mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself abdicate the responsibility I have towards myself within creating myself as a character that doesn’t know how to be an adult, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am this character and to use it as a way to not have to take responsibility for myself and expect/how that others will pick up my slack

I forgive myself that within accepting and allowing myself to play the part of a child I have created as well the part of adult and have manipulated those around me within the participation of our characters to take the roll of an adult and to be responsible for me and my consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from adult as ‘them’ and define myself as and thus relate to children, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat children and adults differently within the judgment / separation /resentment I hold towards them, instead of seeing myself within equality to al as children and adults as one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to actually separate myself as wishing there were two of me so that one of me could be the care free child and the other me could do all the hard work and responsibility, within this I realize and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe taking self responsibility is hard work which I a sure to not enjoy, not giving myself the opportunity to actually do it here as breath within going into and participating with the character that believe taking responsibility sucks, I realize that the child character is the main character and that it unfolds within it many other characters that build each other and derive from each other, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participating in any type of character within the starting point of not taking self responsibility

I realize going into the character of a child is self deceptive within the allowance of separation/judgment/manipulation

I realize within the commitment to support myself as life, within the respect for life and myself as all as one as equal as life, I commit myself to stopping my participation with any character that I have created and still do create to be able to free myself from the chain of the theater I have trapped myself in to step out and actually live and enjoy life not as a character but as life itself.

To be continued…

Day 12 - The temper tantrum game – self commitment statements

Day 12 - The temper tantrum game – self commitment statements

Continuing my previous blog:

day11 - temper tantrum game

Earth's journey to life blog has been very supportive, go through the series in regards to temper tantrum for further/deeper perspective:

Day 43: Temper tantrum game

Day 45: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 46: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements continued…

Day 47: Temper tantrum game Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stopping myself as separation within participating within and playing out a temper tantrum, through realizing that by participating in a tantrum I am stating to myself that I am not in control of myself thus abdicating self-responsibility of the situation as myself, and that I have allowed emotion/desire/characters to direct me instead of pushing myself through writing and applying self-forgiveness to reveal/expose to myself the characters/desires that I have allowed to direct me, in order to be able to stand as self-directive principle by taking full responsibility for/as myself and not accepting anything less than who I am as life

I commit myself to not allow myself to emotionally manipulate myself into believing that I am not capable to handle this tantrum, that it is bigger than me, through realizing that I am here within/as breath, and that I have in fact created all the characters that I now believe to have control over me, I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am the creator of all my characters that I have allowed to direct me and that I have been protecting through my tantrum, and thus realizing that as the creator I have the power/ability to stop then as I realize they are not of life, they are not real, and they only become real through my participation within/as them, thus I stop within/as breath within/as the physical as the only character that is in fact real

when I am faced with someone else participating within a temper tantrum, I commit myself to not allow myself to participate/support it by giving my allowance to the character and self-belief they have created, because I realize this is not who they are as life, but a self-created character that is not actually real but is an illusion that we have allowed ourselves to exist as and then to be controlled/directed by, and then to protect and fight to defend, I realize that participating within/as a temper tantrum is abusive towards self and others as self, and in in fact distracting self from actually seeing one's self  as one and equal as all as life, I realize that by supporting another's tantrum I am giving myself permission to participate in a tantrum of my own, thus not standing as support for another as myself within allowing and justifying my own character and tendency for a tantrum

I commit myself to stop myself as a temper tantrum within and as breath and to investigate the emotion/character/desire that I have allowed to accumulate within me to come to an explosion as a temper tantrum

day 11 - temper tantrum game

For further reading, please check out these blogs:

Day 47: Temper tantrum game Self Commitment Statements

Day 46: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements cont...

Day 45: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 43: Temper tantrum game

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional tantrum and be directed and moved by this tantrum, not allowing myself to stop and realize myself as breathe here

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a temper tantrum due to having one of my characters exposed as a lie, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a temper tantrum within the attempt to save my character from the blame and accusations thrown at it, thus validating within/as myself that the character is real, not giving myself the opportunity to see it as it is, a self-created character

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate and support other's temper tantrum within the justification that I am supporting them, when in fact I am only supporting their character they are now protecting within their temper tantrum, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and support their tantrum within the idea that that's what they want/need, thus allowing their tantrum to continue and not supporting them as life within the justification that it will make them feel better, thus placing more value on feeling good than on life as what is best for all within the realization that tantrums is NOT what is best for all in any way due to being directed by emotions as anger/spitefulness/desire and therefore lack any self-direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with other's temper tantrum because "that is what they do for me, and thus that is what they expect from me" within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and self-expression as support due to expectation I believe others have of me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume other's will not see their character and do not want to see it to begin with and thus I will not show them within fear of their reaction within fear of conflict, thus allowing myself to be directed by fear/expectation as the character I have created myself as, instead of allowing myself to let go the character within the need to validate it through love and acceptance of others and allow myself to actually live as self-support if/when I see someone going into a temper tantrum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto others within the belief that I am supporting their character and temper tantrum to please THEM when in fact the reason I do so I to validate myself as the character I have created as myself, and allow myself the right to go into tantrum within the expectation that others will not get in my way and support/participate in my tantrum within their desire to justify their own tantrums so that we can all keep our characters unchanged for ever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when going into a temper tantrum to stay within the self-belief and experience that I am out of control and cannot stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within a temper tantrum not allowing myself to stop within/as breath within the realization that this temper tantrum is showing me a character I am fighting to protect/defend and to realize that within self-support I can stop myself as the temper tantrum to look at what I am showing myself within the tantrum, to see the character I have created and have allowed to control/possess me, to realize that within defining myself as this character I am now fighting for its survival instead of letting it go within the understanding that it is not real and is not serving that which is best for all due to it being an illusion as a character and not real as life

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel so guilty after allowing myself to fall into a temper tantrum and then to make myself feel better I opologize to all that were involved, instead of actually looking within/as myself to see/realize what character I was fighting to protect within the tantrum, to actually allow myself to face myself as the character and change myself as what is best for all, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and feel better through having others forgive/understand me instead of directing me to forgive myself through understanding the mind construct that I have allowed to possess me as the temper tantrum.