Day 224 : Tired = Cranky

Ben’s bedtime is so late, we’re lucky if he’s in bed and sleeping by 11pm, and by then I usually just fall asleep with him.

After 10pm, I noticed, I allow myself to be a bit more cranky because I’m tired and all I want is for him to go to sleep. 

Yesterday, at around 10 pm while we were reading, I told him that after this chapter we’re going to head to bed and we can continue reading in bed. In response he said “but I’m hungry”.

I snapped. 

I got frustrated because he didn’t eat his dinner and he’s developing this pattern of being hungry and wanting to eat only when he’s trying to delay something. 

And I was tired, so I gave myself permission to be a bit more agitated, cranky and impatient. 

I lectured him about this new pattern, and the benefits of eating earlier, and while he ate his dinner I sat down to do some writing because even though I was tired, it’s actually not justified and not acceptable to be agitated like that. 

I use my writing practice to see what characters or patterns I’m participating in, and to support myself to find a better way of being. 

I write so I can be more present in my life and so I can be the best mom for Ben. Because when I’m caught up in my own reactions/patterns/characters I’m not “here” and not available to support him in the best way.

In the 10 minutes he ate his taco I could see and realize that when I’m tired, I allow myself to be impatient and play this cranky character. I also saw how counterproductive it is, because this agitated energy is an upper, lifting the energy up, getting Ben agitated as well and more likely to result in conflict. 

But for some reason I had created the “tired = cranky” program and I just went with it for years. 

Until yesterday. 

I was able to see that instead of being cranky, what I really wanted was to be slow and soft and gentle, but that didn’t fit in with my “tired = cranky” program so I never actually explored that expression… Clearly being slow/gentle/soft would have a positive impact on our relationship and our bedtime. 

I saw what I was doing in the moment, I had a realization, I made a decision, I took a deep breath to ground myself in my body, and I shifted into soft/gentle/slow. 

When he finished eating, I told Ben what I wrote about and my whole process. 

And that was that. 

We brushed our teeth and went to bed.