My journey to life: expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not and incapable of being a hard worker within defining it specifically as physical labor, within a deliberate attempt to separate myself from the term of being a hard worker as a form of self sabotage and within this to justify the separation within associating being a hard worker to inferiority as related only to blue collar jobs thus allowing myself to overlook the physical and practical values of being a hard worker

Seeing this now I realize I must redefine being a hard worker in such a way that I can live as the expression of / as myself, to stop existing in separation from the term and thus to stop sabotaging myself through living out the expression of not being a hard worker, to then as a result feel bad and inadequate for living out the belief of not being able and capable to be a hard worker – I see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to exist in separation from / as the term as being a hard worker, I will not allow myself to experience myself as self worth, because I have been giving value to being a hard worker but am not allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself, and thus deny myself the opportunity of being one with the expression of the value I have given being a hard worker, within this, I see realize and understand that to ease the sense of inadequacy within aligning myself within and as the social construct, I have allowed myself to separate myself further from being a hard worker through judging those who do hard physical labor as inferior socially, within this, creating a situation for myself that I have no interest of changing, because within this judgment it is ok for me to not be a hard worker, and by doing so I am placing myself as superior socially – not allowing myself to see the absurdity of experiencing myself superior by not doing / applying a physical and practical action that is essential for the survival and existence of humanity in this physical reality.

When sounding the words “hard worker”, what stands out is “Heart worker” as putting my heart into what I am doing, into the work I am participating with – it’s really interesting that this should come up because in a way it sums up the effective and supportive aspects of being a hard worker, and removes the judgment and separation.

Putting my heart into the work I do would refer to being here, breathing, being in and one with the physical as the physical action and application I am busy with –within that, in no way being in the mind as not allowing self to participate in back chat, judgment, manipulation, or any form of energetic mind component – living the expression of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, to simply do what needs to be done within the specific task / job at hand - putting my heart into what I am doing, totally putting myself in what I am doing, being one with what I do.

I have never really taken a moment to look at the function of the heart and see how can I learn from it, as to learn from the heart’s expression to apply such expression as myself, within this, in relation to the point of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, as putting ones heart into whatever it is one does – in looking at the heart what I see is that the heart functions in the physical, as it is the physical engine of the physical body, and thus is responsible not only for itself but for the entire body, it consistently works beat by beat, as a physical rhythm, and it must be here in every moment, doing it’s job, nothing more and nothing less, in order to support the entire body with nutrients and oxygen. The heart does not see itself superior or inferior to the task it is doing as pumping blood around the body, and if it would create inner conflict or go into self interest, the entire body will suffer the consequences…

Thus, living the expression of a hard worker, as a heart worker is to be humble, and to do what needs to be done within the best interest of all, it is to stop the mind and not allow any judgments, justifications, excuses, beliefs or back chat to exist and direct self within doing the task / job - doing so within realizing that if one is busy in one’s mind, one cannot be busy doing one’s responsibility in the best possible way, and the consequences of one’s actions will affect all, and not only self, because of the interconnectedness of it all.

Within redefining “heard worker” as doing a task and putting myself / my heart into it, and not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, as back chat, judgments, justifications, excuses, manipulation ext. I can see that it is a matter of decision, and not a predetermined personality trait that I can do nothing about, that I am separate from – this is a decision, to be here with what I am doing, to be responsible for what I am busy with and do it completely.

Anyone can do this, but within this I realize that I have lived all my life avoiding this point, creating and living according to resistance and so I realize I have created this as a pattern and to change myself within it I must push myself through the resistance that up until now I have allowed to direct me.

So, when and as I see myself applying myself half hearted, as not putting myself into it, and instead being in my mind, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical in breath, I restate to myself who I am: “I am here, I take responsibility to do this task, and I stand by my responsibility” and then, I breathe in stability to make sure I stop my thoughts / back chat / mind, and do the task.

When and as the thought / self belief that I am not and incapable of being a hard worker come up, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain such thoughts / self beliefs as I have seen and realized that they are self sabotaging by nature and have no physical ground, thus, I realize that by participating with them I give them power over me, while by not participating within them, they will dissipate into thin air, and I will remain here, as directive principle. And so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath from participating in any thoughts or self beliefs in the nature of believing myself to not being a hard worker, instead I restate to myself that I am here, and being a hard worker is a matter of decision that anyone can make at any moment, and within this I make the decision in that very moment as to what would be best for all as self support, and I apply it effectively

When and as I experience resistance to continue a task, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down, I remind myself the reward of application is a natural sense of worth, and so, I remind myself the value of applying myself here in the physical, as it is what is best for me, and within supporting myself, is actually best for all.

I realize that in order to live the expression of self worth in every breath I must start living as self worth, to fake it till I make it, and thus, to put my heart into that which I have decided to do is an application of self worth within living the expression of equality as I am equal to the task I am doing, within this, I see that by not putting my heart / myself in what I am doing I am stating to myself that I am not worthy of the task as I am not applying it within equality, and thus, but not being totally in what I am doing, I am a living the expression of unworthiness and so become it, and so it is obvious that ot would be much more supportive for myself to actually walk through the resistance and back chat, to stop my participation within / as the mind, and become a heart worker, as I teach myself to slowly but surely do everything is do as the totality of myself, as I put myself / my heart into it, and just do it.

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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Posted by Maya R at 2:43 PM Labels: assertiveness, desteni, expression, judgment, projection, self compromise, self expression, self forgiveness, self judgment 0 comments

Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness

This is a continuation from my previous blog

Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself as assertive due to fear of the response of friends/family, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self judgment and self belief on to them, and thus create within my mind the idea that if they see me act assertive they'll know its an act, when in fact I fear seeing it as an act within not trusting myself or believing I can be assertive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within the self belief that I am not strong / stable / clear, and thus have not allowed myself to explore that expression as myself and thus limit myself and remain within the self belief of weak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being assertive because I fear receiving a non supportive/accepting response of the other, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of judgment and not allowing myself to express myself fully as myself, thus allowing myself to compromise myself and exist within fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist expressing myself as assertive because I fear not being taken seriously, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the character of the joker and thus believe that I cannot step out of character and if I do I will be mocked by others that know me as the joker and will not respect/accept the new expression they don't know me as, as assertive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of not being taken seriously and within this to allow myself to be directed by the memory, not allowing myself to be assertive/serious within the fear of the events of the memory repeating themselves, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the memory and within self forgiveness to let go of it, to allow myself a clean slate, and to live in the moment and not in the past through memories

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of not being taken seriously and allow myself to fear exposing myself as who I am because I fear being hurt by the response I get from others, thus allowing myself to suppress myself and compromise myself to please others as to adjust myself to what I believe others want me to be, instead of simply breathing and allowing me to live within self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of insult when speaking seriously/assertively and the response of others is not supportive, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for not taking me seriously, not allowing myself to take self responsibility from perspective of seeing that I have been deceiving them with the act of the joker, and thus I realize that I must give up the act of the joker in order to express myself here, and within giving up myself as the joker I will not create myself as the personality of the joker and thus will not fear presenting myself as assertive, thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as the joker and my main personality within the desire to please people through making them laugh and amused, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously and thus not allowed myself to simply be here within my self expression and believed I have to put on an act as the joker to be accepted by others

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that as I participate in the character of the joker I am hiding from actually expressing myself as who I am, and within that creating a personality that then I experience that I have a responsibility to hold up, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give up the joker and allow myself to express myself as the moment within allowing myself to be both assertive/serious and the joker/funny not because I have to, because that is the roll I have given myself to act, but because it is my expression in the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of character and thus lose all that the character has given me, thus deliberately holding myself in an act, not allowing myself to live self honestly, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the act and allow myself to be free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what other people say personally instead of realizing that when they say reflect who they are and does not actually reflect me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk into "hurtful" situations in order to test myself as checking to see my reaction, and within every reaction to reveal another layer of myself, another point that I am enslaved to, and thus within allowing myself to see myself as the mind, as the reaction, to take self responsibility and change as allowing myself to let go the points that come up, and direct myself to walk through them, and practically physically change within them to align myself to what is best for all, and that starts with being able to trust myself that I am the directive principle of/as myself in every moment and that I am not directed by fear/reactions

More to follow

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