Saturday, June 29, 2013

Day 206 - Questions and hidden agendas - continued

In yesterdays' blog i missed a main point - I wrote about possible starting points for asking a question with a hidden agenda, but I missed the following one, and I think it has actually been a dominant one in my experience - it's when I ask a question within the starting point of arrogance, as seeing the other from above, believing that I see something that they don't, and while it may be true I am not acting within a starting point of support but of separation and superiority


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act / believe myself to be superior to another when I see that I see something that they don't and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions within that starting point of arrogance and superiority instead of asking and speaking within a starting point of direct and clear communication, support and guidance.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as I see myself in others, my reaction towards others asking me questions is in fact a fear of being treated with arrogance and superiority as I have been treating others within my mind and within my reaction in my tonality and expression.


When and as I see myself asking / speaking from a starting point of a hidden agenda, I stop and breathe, bring myself back here and direct myself to slow myself down and communicate in breath, as to be clear and direct within what I am saying, and make sure that it is not within a starting point of arrogance / superiority / spitefulness. I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into any of these starting points when speaking to others, specifically when asking questions, to stop myself immediately and breath, I commit myself to breathe in silence until I am certain I am stable and can speak again within participating with the energy of the reaction and thus, making sure I am not creating un necessary back chat in the other's mind, and make sure I am not recreating the situation.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me within a starting point of superiority / arrogance / spitefulness / hidden agenda, I realize that as long as I react I am showing me that I have not yet cleared myself from that point, and thus, I commit myself, instead of turning to judgment, to turn to gratefulness as I am now able to see that this point is not yet clear within me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I see them asking me questions from energetic starting points, I realize that as long as I react I am showing myself that their comment moved me, and thus I commit myself to investigate why is this point a trigger point for me, and within this, I commit myself to do so in gratefulness for having the opportunity to see that I am unstable in regards to the point. And I commit myself to support myself through writing the point out and applying self forgiveness in self honesty until the point is clear and understood.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually stop myself and breathe before I react, thus, not allowing myself to do what is actually needed, as to stop and breath and return here, in order to prevent the energetic build up from accumulating and within it creating the aggression within me that I then express within my expression and communication


I commit myself to stop my participation when I see myself asking a question within a starting point of energy, I stop and breathe, and only when stable speak again.


I commit myself, when I am asked a question and I see myself reacting to it, to the how it's being asked, to stop myself and breathe, to allow myself to hear the question and remove all energetic attachment to it, and only listen to the words spoken, in order for me to actually hear if there is anything I can learn and expand from within the question, or if the other can learn and expand within such a conversation, and so I commit myself to direct myself within the conversation within a starting point of support as what is best for all

Friday, June 28, 2013

Day 205 - Questions and hidden agenda

I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say.


I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted...


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction.


I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved?


And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions


It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues…


Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other.


I'll continue with this point tomorrow

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Day 204 - One breath at a time

There are little things that I need to get done, and the smaller and insignificant they are the bigger and intimidating the seem - so I need to remind myself to focus on breath and walk through the points one breath at a time, one point at a time - these are physical points and I have a tendency to place them in my mind and work at them in my mind, and become anxious and exhausted by working with them so much, when in fact I haven't yet done a thing in the physical reality - I have only spent time in my mind in thought and future projection.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind as thoughts and future projections in regards to "the little things" that need to be done, instead of practically doing what needs to be done in the physical reality, one step at a time


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind in planning out how and what I will do and create scenarios of what will happen when doing the tasks that I need to do, and thus experience myself as if I have done so much until I reach a point of feeling exhausted even though I have not done anything really yet


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the experience of being exhausted by all the mind activity I have been participating with, instead of realizing that what I have done in my mind is not an actual physical doing and that in order to get things done I actually have to step out of my mind, stop my participation with it, and physically do what needs to be done in real space / time reality


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by participating within my mind as going on and on about the things that need to be done instead of actually physically doing them, I am separating myself from these activities and thus, creating an idea within myself that these activities are separate than me and thus will be hard / difficult to achieve, not realizing that by separating myself from thee activities, through thinking about them instead of doing them, I am creating an un-necessary barrier between me and them, and making it harder for myself - while all along, if I were to simply do what needs to be done, and walk the physical time line in breath, I would just have to practically deal with anything that physically comes along and find the practical solutions


I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that going to my mind and planning in my mind instead of writing the points down and actually acting on them in the physical, I am sabotaging myself as a point of self spite, as I am deliberately creating for myself a barrier and more difficulty instead of doing what is practical and supportive for me to do


I forgive myself for not see, realizing and understanding that by sabotaging myself through existing in my mind in planning and future projections, I am making sure that I fail, as to prove to myself that my self belief of inadequacy is accurate and justified - thus in fact by participating with my mind I am deliberately paving my way to certain failure, as to not let go of the self definition, self belief, religion of self as a loser / failure / inadequate - thus, within paving my own road towards failure I am making myself right and thus by sabotaging myself and failing myself I am giving myself the satisfaction of being right about who I am, as if proving to myself that my self belief it a fact, while it is in fact only self limiting and denying self of the opportunity of change and growth


When and as I see myself going into my mind in planning ahead my steps, I stop and breath, I realize that all these planning only accumulate to anxiety and exhaustion, if not being applied practically in the physical, and thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into my mind in planning, to stop and breathe, to take a pen and paper and write the points down and priorities them and within this, I commit myself to practically move through the points in the physical reality, one breath at a time


When and as i see myself going into my mind in planning and becoming overwhelmed by all the "little things" that need to be done, I stop and breathe, I realize that going down this path is not productive and is in fact distractive and will create consequences as the points seem to grow bigger and bigger, and so, I state to myself who I am, I am here, I am walking these points in the physical reality, and I am facing any point that opens up in the physical, I take responsibility for my actions in the physical and I make sure that I research the points of application and do what is best in every situation - in this I commit myself to walk the points one by one, and ensure that I stand by each point in simply knowing what and why I am doing, and thus, I commit myself to making clear decisions within my movement in the physical, so that I am accountable and liable for all that I do in the physical.  religion

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Day 203 - What will it take to support myself

I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability.


I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped.


Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!?


So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen?


This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for?


So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Day 202 - Religion of Self

It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.


Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.


In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...


Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.


I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.


I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.


And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.


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