Day 205 - Questions and hidden agenda

I hate it when people ask me questions and I can see / hear the undertone that they are actually questioning me, as they are not asking from a naïve starting point, but it's like they have something to say, but they won't just go ahead and say it, so they are asking questions that lean to what they really want to say.

 

I had that happen today, and clearly I reacted...

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone asking me a question within creating an idea / belief that they have a secret agenda

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when believing someone has a secret agenda while asking me a question, to not allow myself to listen unconditionally but instead I react and resist what is being said

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for asking me questions within secret agendas instead of looking at my reaction and taking the opportunity to investigate myself and understand why am I allowing this to be a trigger point for a reaction such as anger

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the way the person is asking the question and whether they have secret motives or not, is no excuse or justification for me to react and "loose my cool", and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for their expression instead of taking it back to self and investigating myself within my accepted reaction.

 

I realize that my reaction towards someone asking me a question with a secret agenda indicated that I do it as well, and as I am sitting here typing this blog, I found myself doing it, asking a question in order to "get to something" it was very subtle - I realize that this isn't a point of right / wrong, because in some occasions it may be valid to direct the conversation in such a way, I realize it always has to do with the starting point - am I hiding something in fear as I tipi tow around a point instead of speaking clearly and directly, or am I doing so within directing the situation within consideration of all that are involved?

 

And so, I realize that when others do it, I cannot judge them because I don't know their starting point, all I can now see is my reaction to the situation - where in today's situation I saw that when they asked me the question and I reacted, it showed me that I wasn't clear on the point, and so I felt attacked and pressured - showing me that instead of walking in humbleness I am walking in pride and ego

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for questioning me within a hidden agenda within defining it as wrong and manipulative, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it's not about right or wrong but about the starting point of myself within the situation

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions instead of speaking directly within the starting point of fear of conflict, within tip towing around the other person

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that when others tip tow around me as they ask me questions, instead of getting angry with them in blame I can look at myself and consider my reactions

 

It's interesting how it is all connected, because the one asking me in fear, and tipi towing around the point instead of speaking directly does so in fear of my reaction, and all along that approach is what triggers my reaction… and from the other side, I react to how they are asking me so I answer with anger and impatient and blame them for how they do things, while all along giving them the justification for their initial tip tow as they see they were right to fear me because look at how I react, and so the loop continues…

 

Within this I also realize that since it is a loop I have an opportunity to stop my participation in it at every moment, and so, the only reason this loop continues is because I have continued to participate with it, while blaming the others in my mind that it's their fault and their expression that caused the problem to begin with.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own reactions and instead have accepted and allowed myself to hide in blame and thus to perpetuate the problem as the conflict and energetic reaction within myself and the other.

 

I'll continue with this point tomorrow