Thursday, June 6, 2013

Day 202 - Religion of Self

It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.


Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.


In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...


Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.


I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.


I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.


And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.


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