Day 203 - What will it take to support myself

I've been walking around this point for a long time, having the tools to support myself but not applying them, knowing exactly what I must do to help myself to step out of my own mind set of limitation and self despise, and support myself to walk here, with, as and for myself, in stability.

 

I've known these tools for years, and have been resisting applying them, thus resisting supporting myself, depriving myself of the support, it's like if I were a doctor and saw someone gasping for air and would deprive them of the support that I know I can give them and I can see how much they need - depriving self of the support self requires to stand up in stability it's self abuse, it's self hatred, it's self neglect - it's not acceptable and cannot be justified - and must be stopped.

 

Within myself I knew this all along, and thus, this knowing yet not applying, created inner conflict as knowing what I must do for myself and yet not doing it and so, instead of applying the tools of self support I have turned to self judgment and more self loathing as a form of punishment instead of simply becoming aware of myself not supporting myself and changing myself to live the self support I know I require - within this, I see that not supporting myself results in even greater problems, where, now, it's not just that I am depriving myself the support - in addition to depriving myself the support I am aware of what I'm doing and am hating myself for not supporting myself - so this one act of depriving myself the support I require and as a result judging myself for it, has a double impact of self abuse - and so, within not supporting myself I am playing straight into the mind's hands, as, by not supporting myself, I am creating more back chat, more judgment, and more energy thus increasing the problem that much more, instead of simply taking the physical actions of supporting myself to decrease the problem, and eventually to eliminate it. Which one must ask oneself - why am I not willing to do what is necessary to eliminate the problem? And the answer that follows is that one has not made a clear decision to change - and so, as long as I fear changing, as long as I fear losing myself more than what I actually have to lose by not changing - I will never change - and so, one must ask oneself, why do I fear changing? What have I got to lose? And the answer that follows is clearly nothing - I have nothing to lose but my self definition / belief / idea as who I am within the accepted limitation of who I am - which is such an odd thing, because that which I want to change within myself is that which I fear losing!?!?!?!?

 

So, what will it take for me to support myself? What must happen?

 

This point opened up today as I was faced with the physical reality of what would the consequences be if I do not start supporting myself, I experienced a breakdown over the smallest thing , and obviously, if I breakdown over the small stuff, one can only imagine how would I react to big problems / issues / decisions I may face - I experienced myself in such emotional instability that I couldn't decide the smallest decisions - so obviously I am not living as effectively as I can if I were to support myself to self realize, and stabilize myself - so I can see the level of instability I can easily reach over the little things, I can see the physical consequences of what's at stake and what I can lose, I can see the state of constant self disappointment for knowing I am not embracing myself, not supporting myself to become the best that I can be - I see all this, and I know I have the power and ability to give myself exactly what I need, to walk the process of self forgiveness to letting go of all of these self sabotaging patterns and rebirth myself as a being that is self supportive and trust worthy - so what am I waiting for?

 

So, here I am , starting over, committing myself to support myself or else - or else I will deem myself to feel miserable forever, deem myself to be unstable, deem myself to self judgment, deem myself to failure, deem myself to loneliness - I can either support myself to live here within breath in every moment, or I can kill myself a slow and painful death as I walk as the shadow of myself.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself daily, even though I knew within myself that this support is vital for my well being, and thus I have deliberately deprived myself of the required support I knew I needed

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself of self support as writing myself to freedom, applying self forgiveness and self corrective statements, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of depriving myself of such support, or actually, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse myself from supporting myself within playing the ignorant card, as within the excuse that I don't see , realize and understand the value of applying these tools, but in fact I do know the value, and that is why I have experience such inner conflict as I was trying to wake myself up to see that which I have been trying to ignore

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push through the distractions as resistance to writing within the habit of having everything come easy, or not doing anything if it involves effort

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as someone that doesn't push through effort, and thus I have limited myself to only participate with that which is easy and not challenging, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how limiting this is and how I have deprived myself from expanding and growing within learning and pursuing new aspects that were not in my preprogrammed and automated path

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and accept my own self created limitation, instead of allowing myself to see the value of pushing through and proving to myself that I am limitless and can in fact do anything and learn anything as long as I am willing to walk the physical steps in practical application

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas about some things / chores / activities and define them as hard, and thus, to build up a resistance towards them, instead of simply walking in breath, the physical practical steps that are required to be walked to accomplish the specific point

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards such activities / responsibilities / chores, that I have not yet learned to do and thus within believing the idea I have in regards to them prevent myself from even trying to walk through them in fear - instead of letting go all ideas and simply walking the point practically in physical steps, within breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like this al my life, and thus to have lost many opportunities I had because I feared pursuing them in believing an idea, instead of walking through life in breath, in physical reality, in finding solutions to any problems that come along instead of antisipating problems and within fear going the other way

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to walk here in breath, and thus, not trust myself to solve any problems that comes along, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to try to guess possible problems in anticipation and anxiety and thus to exist in my mind instead of here in reality where I can practically prepare myself to over come any obstacle.