day 14 - The child or adult polarity

I have a memory of my mom telling us she is still a child that has never grown up, as if growing up entails something you have to do or understand, like there is a condition or test and there are those who become grownups and those who don’t.

Recently I have noticed that I have created myself as a character that hasn’t grown up as well. This experience has been with me for many years. I lived within separation where there were adults (them) and children (us), and I noticed that the age of the grown up always was a few steps/years away from me, but I never got there – now I am 32 and all my friends are having babies, and there is a conflict in my mind because everybody around me is growing up, and I guess we must be aduts if we are parents and teachers and we do grown up stuff, but I don’t feel like an adult. what does being an adult feel like anyway? How have I defined an adult/child?

 

I see that I have separated myself from the definition I have created to the word “adult”, and have created for myself a child character that comes up and expresses the separation I feel from this foreign thing I see as being an adult. By going into the character of a child I am expressing/manifesting the separation I have created towards the definition I have created of an adult. I am the creator of the definition I hold for the concept "adults", and thus the creator of the separation I have been participating within towards that word, and to top it all, I have created a character as a child to be the expression of the first two creations I have mentioned, to then trap myself in my own creation, experiencing and participating as inferiority/abuse/manipulation, only to hide from myself the fact that I am the creator of all aspects of this construct and thus can stop it within one breath if only i would allow myself to. creating through my allowance and stopping through my allowance.

What I see within this is that through the child character I am living out the desire to stay a child within the definition of a child as not having to take responsibility while an adult has responsibilities. I see I have used the memory of my mom to justify to myself my remaining a child, thus giving myself an excuse to not take self responsibility.

I also realize i have been creating the character of an adult as a polarity character to that of the child character, so by being a child I am creating someone else as the adult character, there is the one taking responsibility and the one that abdicated responsibility and that is my basic definition of child/adult.

Looking at it now I see that this construct has created conflict within my relationships, on the one hand I do not want to be the adult due to avoiding taking self responsibility, but on the other hand I don’t want to be treated like a child due to the definition i have created for the child character as being inferior.
Within relationships I would prefer to be the one deciding/directing which character we are playing in each situation, but if it so happens that the other “player” is not playing along with the characters I have signed us up for, but is acting out as a different character, forcing me to change my character to match the situation - I will react within spitefulness, not realizing that the reason I am reacting is that I am not getting my way, I am not able to manipulate the situation to get what I want - and that pisses me off.

As the child character within my definition of a child I would get away with anything, expect everybody to adjust themselves to me because I am the child, and when I don’t get my way going into a temper tantrum is legitimate because I am a child, children are allowed to do anything and everything and do not have to live out the consequences. Consequences are for adults, adults have to clean up the mess the children did, they have to make sure everything is taken care of, to look at the big picture and not just the fun parts, the adult has to know what they are doing while children can make mistakes because they are growing and learning at all times.

ready to let this construct of characters go, because i realize i must take responsibility for the mess i have created, and that there isn't anyone that could do it for me, so if i don't do it no one will. thus it's time to let go the definition of child/adult and to actually grow up from the perspective of taking self responsibility. to stop living as a character, to stop manipulating and being manipulated within the starting point of not facing myself and not taking self responsibility - to simply stop, so that from stopping i can stand up and walk within the starting point of what is best for all as life, to support myself as life and not as characters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation within the definition of child/adult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the definition of adult within the self belief that have not grown up and will remain a child forever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/respect adults within the separation I have created and within the definition of adults being more than children within their abilities/understanding of the world and the reality, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in these definitions I have created and live and be directed by them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live within/as a fairytale/illusion within believing that I am in fact a child that doesn’t know how to grow up by creating myself as a character of a child, not realizing that any character I create myself as and any definition I believe myself to be are not real as life, and within participating within them I am abdicating my right to life and and abusing myself as life within limiting myself to a character and not allowing myself to actually express here as life as what is here in each and every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that one must have a set of rules and do a set of actions in order to become an adult within the definition I have created to being an adult

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there isn’t a line crossing life separating between children and adult within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a line and thus create and participate and allow within myself and within the world as myself the consequential outflow of a separating line between children and adults such as any and all inferiority/superiority construct within our sociality specifically between children and adults

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a character of a child based on a memory of my mother and thus copying her through my interpretation of her experience, and not allowing myself to explore and learn the world and my reality openly but to limit myself to the experience I’ve seen as my mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself abdicate the responsibility I have towards myself within creating myself as a character that doesn’t know how to be an adult, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am this character and to use it as a way to not have to take responsibility for myself and expect/how that others will pick up my slack

I forgive myself that within accepting and allowing myself to play the part of a child I have created as well the part of adult and have manipulated those around me within the participation of our characters to take the roll of an adult and to be responsible for me and my consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from adult as ‘them’ and define myself as and thus relate to children, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat children and adults differently within the judgment / separation /resentment I hold towards them, instead of seeing myself within equality to al as children and adults as one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to actually separate myself as wishing there were two of me so that one of me could be the care free child and the other me could do all the hard work and responsibility, within this I realize and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe taking self responsibility is hard work which I a sure to not enjoy, not giving myself the opportunity to actually do it here as breath within going into and participating with the character that believe taking responsibility sucks, I realize that the child character is the main character and that it unfolds within it many other characters that build each other and derive from each other, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participating in any type of character within the starting point of not taking self responsibility

I realize going into the character of a child is self deceptive within the allowance of separation/judgment/manipulation

I realize within the commitment to support myself as life, within the respect for life and myself as all as one as equal as life, I commit myself to stopping my participation with any character that I have created and still do create to be able to free myself from the chain of the theater I have trapped myself in to step out and actually live and enjoy life not as a character but as life itself.

To be continued…