Day 18 - Sister character – part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as a character defining who I will be how I will act and how I will react with my sister, within that allowing myself as the character to re-create the same dynamic again and again as a pre-written script of our life, within going back to memories I have of us within my interpretation of the memory and as if I have trapped us in a time bubble we are doomed to dance the same dance over and over as long as I continue participating within/as this sister character.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my sister where she is giving me a hard time when lending me her cloths, as if she doesn’t trust me, and within this memory I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally and react to her taking extra care for her cloths, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty before even doing anything just from the fear of what will happen if anything spills/tears when I am wearing her cloths. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate with the character of “I fear getting into conflict with my sister, I fear her getting upset with me, I hope everything goes ok so that she doesn’t get upset”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past memories up to a point that still if the point comes up as a memory between us in a conversation I would react and expect her to react as well, thus creating the situation from thin air based only on a memory that I keep alive through remembering it and participating within/as it as going back to the same emotional energy I have attached to the memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the emotional energy I have attached to the memory, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to fear of conflict and fear of messing up, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to mess up due to the fear of getting in conflict but the self doubt within the expectation that things just won’t go ‘my way’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the underdog character within my relationship with my sister, within that I create myself as less than her, and resist beating her at anything because I am used to, based to the character and memories I have created, her winning and making decisions and having the upper hand, on the other side I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in comparison/competition with my sister at all times thus able to calculate her being the winner in a self created competition that  I have created especially to lose in. further more I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the conflict of creating myself as character of inferiority and at the same time fight to get out of the inferior spot I have worked so hard to create for myself thus creating myself as superior within allowing myself to become abusive and spiteful towards her only to cover up the feelings of inferiority that I have created.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fighting for not being inferior within accepting and allowing the polarity is not going to lead to anything except more bullshit, and that the only way to rid myself from the experience as being the inferior is to stop participating and re-creating myself as the inferior character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up the inferior character with my sister because of fear of going into superiority from the perspective of “how will she handle it?” not realizing that I have been the one competing with her, and thus only through the eyes of competition can I be a winner or a loser, thus once I stop myself from comparing myself and calculating myself in relation to her and placing value to the competition/comparison, I will no longer be a winner or a loser because they both exist only within competition/comparison.

To be continued