Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf

This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension  - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness

Within investigating the fear dimension of the character "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" ,Within looking at the different aspects of the fear dimension, I find that they are all basically based in an inner conflict regarding my self definition, as I fear losing the self definitions I have created myself as, of how I see/define myself and be seen /defined by others as good / smart / competent / special / extraordinary / unique, within this I see that I believe I am dependent on this self definition/judgment for a positive energetic experience within myself, and I fear/reject the experience of being defined/seen by myself or by others, as the other side of the polarity, as bad/stupid/slow/boring.

Today an interesting thing happened, I was listening to the quantum mind interviews and they explained the construct of positive and negative energy, and spoke about the frequency of the positive and negative energy. Now, I have knowledge about frequency from my physics studies, and I couldn't let go the definition I held in my mind for frequency, as I was told that we are redefining the word frequency I totally reacted.

It happened so fast and I was in tears, in a moment I was possessed by emotion, I didn't want to let go the definition I had for frequency, I wouldn't consider the possibility that it could be defined differently, I saw in my mind how my friends would look down at me for believing this nonsense, as we all studies physics together and "know" the truth about frequency and energy.

I see within this that I have defined myself as an intelligent person and fear losing that self definition as it is "who I am", and I hold onto this definition thanks to my degree, as a certificate, proving I am smart and knowledgeable. How will I let this knowledge go? Who will I be without the confirmation of my intelligence? What stability do I have if all that I know can be redefined and changed?

I realize that as long as I hold on to any definition I am not free to explore and investigate any new and perhaps more effective ways to look at things/reality, I cannot change if I hold on to the definition I have of things, ad the same goes for definitions I have of myself. I see the ridiculousness of becoming emotional over not wanting to let go a definition of a word, such a random word "frequency" what attachment have I placed in this word? What does this word mean to me? Due to my immediate and one could say, extreme reaction, I also realize the depth of the point, this word represents to me my religion of science, it represents to me my certified intelligence, it represents to me the ground of which I walk on as what I know to be real and true, it represents a stability, a knowing, and by letting it go I would be groundless, what would be my foundation?

Within facing the point of being corrected / told what to do, my self definition is challenged and there for I experience inner conflict, as I define myself in one way and then through my interpretation of the feedback I get from the environment I see the cracks in my self definition, I see that it doesn't hold. I want to be seen as good / right / smart / interesting… but I am interpreting the situation as being seen as bad / wrong / stupid / boring...

Today, through the incident with the redefinition of the word frequency, my self definition was challenged as well. I wanted the new information to be aligned with the old, I wanted to not have to give anything up, I wanted it all to make sense without having to change my view, perspective, and thus myself, I wanted to be the one that had it right to begin with. I know it doesn't make any sense, because I realize nothing will change if I won't allow myself to expand as I let go of old definitions, as I redefine words as myself, I realize we need to use the words we have and not invent new words but rather redefine what is here, to align our words as ourselves as what is best for all in equality, to allow ourselves to change our point of view because obviously how we see things at the moment, and how we live in this reality isn't getting us anywhere except for that much closer to a self created hell, I realize it's about taking who I am and changing myself, redefining how I view the world/reality in order to bring about a different/supportive outcome, a different outcome than what is here, as what is being manifested at the moment, and I realize that in order to have a different outcome we must make changes, I can't expect to keep everything the same but have different results.

It was a fascinating experience today, and I am grateful for having it, it's amazing how quickly I reacted in fear, like I was losing myself, how intensely I reacted for having a definition of a word being taken away from me, having what I have based my self definition of me, taken away from me, not even taken away, but even just the thought - but I guess this is where all this point exists, as a thought / fear / interpretation as the mind, if I hadn't gone into my mind I could have been here within/as breath and be open to hear what is being said, I could have learned something new, I could have challenged my understanding of what I believe to be the truth, I could have expanded within the possibility of using a word in a different way, instead of closing up into myself and resisting and resenting everything, so quick did I go in my mind to spitefulness and blame, all in the name of defending myself, as the mind, as the religion of knowledge, in complete disregard of myself in fact as who I really am, as life, as indefinable as one dimensional, but a multi dimensional ever expanding, ever changing and yet always here and the same, how can I diminish myself to a definition, and then protect it, fight for it?

This was a "small" point that came up today, but I see this within me everyday, where I am defending myself, the definitions I am familiar with, the reality I am use to believing, instead of letting all of it go, I mean, what is real doesn't need me to believe in it to be, there is no fear of lose if what I believe is an actual truth that is independent of my belief in it, thus the fear of loss indicates that what I fear is a lie, or there would be no fear to begin with.

I'll continue investigating this point of fear of losing myself, in blogs to come

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