Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 79 - The lowest point

I've noticed that I've been reacting to being told what to do, as well as to being corrected, and as an outflow of the reaction I've become spiteful and resentful towards the people that have been telling me what to do and correcting me. I've been trying to breathe through the reaction and to bring myself back to the physical as breath, to support myself through breath in not going into my mind and stopping the back chat, but I have fallen over and over - I have allowed myself to become possessed within the reaction and the experience is that I just cannot stop myself, when within the reaction possession - my mind is racing with back chat and the energy is rushing through my body, I haven't been able to actually stop myself, and be here.

As I'm being told what to do or as I'm being corrected I tend to tense up and immediately go into defense mode, giving excuses to what I had done within manipulation, lying about what I'd done to make it look like it's someone else's mistake/fault as if to try and get out of trouble, trying to manipulate the situation that whatever happens I look like I was OK, like it wasn't my fault/responsibility, while in fact in some cases I have allowed myself to cut corners and was simply called on it and in others there was simply a point to correct/change/do.

I recognize an element of fear within this, as I fear being seen as wrong by the other person, and specifically if they are an authority or I perceive them as superior to me within the situation, I fear/resist experiencing myself as inferior to the other person, I fear being used as in taken advantage of so I experience myself as defending my honor/name/personality, I allow myself to manipulate the situation so that I am always on top, and in control, instead of taking a breath and standing within self responsibility within self honesty, and simply facing my mistake or the task that needs to be done, admitting and even apologizing for cutting corners and to correct myself.

I realize I must investigate the point further, to allow myself to go deeper in the hidden depths of myself, to support myself in stopping this abusive behavior, as I see that it is unacceptable, I am not acting within self honesty, I am not acting like I would like others to act, I am acting within self interest, in defense mode, survival mode, instead of standing as self responsibility and participate equally in reality within the principle of equality and oneness and living as what is best for all.

I realize this point of reaction that come up within me is an opportunity for me to face these points within/as myself and to change/correct myself as I realize I have been existing as preprogrammed patterns, not being the directive principle of myself, my experience, nor my actions. I have been blaming others for what I have allowed myself to experience, and within that, have been separating myself from that which I fear to face within/as myself.

I know that all my experiences, and within that, all my reactions, are all self created. Through having a look at the example of my reactions towards being told what to do or being corrected, I've realized that the core "problem" is that I have created an idea/self definition about myself, as a positive self definition/idea of myself and when I get feedback from the environment that contradicts my positive view of myself I experience conflict, but what I haven't realized is that beneath the positive self definition, exists within me, many layers of contradicting self beliefs, negative self beliefs that I've accepted as myself, but I have judged them and have feared them, and thus, allowing myself to exist in fear of not being the positive idea/belief/definition I hold for myself, I fear of being the complete opposite, fear of not being seen in a positive light, as the positive idea I've defined myself as, fear of actually being all that I fear/resist as I have defined it as bad/low/dark.

So, when I react, as I am told what to do or am corrected, what actually is happening within me, is that these low/dark/bad/shameful points that I have accepted as myself but exist in fear of seeing myself equal to, are being activated within myself, and I experience inner conflict, thus the reaction.

I realize that these points are, and have been, existing within/as myself, though I haven't allowed myself to see/face them. And so, I have separated myself from them, and have blamed others for activating these points within me, while all along it has been my suppressed creation, and thus my responsibility, and no one else's.

What I see within this is that I have to bring myself to accept myself as the lowest/darkest points within myself, which I fear facing as myself, and through facing myself as the lowest/darkest points, and accepting myself as the lowest/darkest points, and forgiving myself as the lowest/darkest points, I will no longer be directed and influenced by other people, whatever is thrown at me - I will stand, because the points will be seen, accepted, forgiven and thus defused so to speak, within/as myself.

So, here, in the coming blogs, I open the points up, to face myself as the lowest/darkest parts of/as myself that I have done everything to suppress/ignore/hide/deny, to be able to stand equal to them, and correct myself within forgiveness. And to never again be directed by them, and thus, stand as self directive principle in the face of whatever comes my way, and through standing, support myself and others as myself, within stability and self honesty, as what is best for all.

So I start this process looking at the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" and see what comes up as I walk the character dimensions, in the blogs to come

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Leila Zamora Moreno said...

Cool Maya, will be interesting to see what memories pop up from which this character was built and the outflow it has on your Life now

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