Thursday, November 29, 2012

Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

fat1 I've been walking with the horses here on the desteni farm, and when I just started I experienced a fear of horses, since then I've become much more comfortable with them and really enjoy working with them.

What's interesting about working with horses is that they are a mirror to self, what this means is that they adjust themselves according to the person that is working with them, and will show them their weaknesses through "taking advantage" of their weak points of application, thus allow the person working with them to face themselves as their points of weakness - this is what happened to me today.

I've been walking Fat (he's a big horse) in the past few weeks, and have been learning learn a lot about how to direct him, he is a very well trained horse so it's been quite easy, but even though he is trained and knows exactly what he needs to do, he still will mirror me and perform according to how effective I am with him, thus, if I am exhibiting a specific pattern, he will tap on to it and act accordingly to expose it to me.

So he started with walking too close to me, and I allowed it, then he started to cut corners too close to me, and walk faster than me, and then he stepped on my foot, twice. I have not been affective in setting his boundaries, well actually, setting my boundaries as a wall between us that he should not pass, so essentially I have been allowing him to walk all over me and he, as my mirror, has been doing exactly that, thus allowing me to see that I have not been effective, have not been clear and direct, have not been consistent and basically have being expressing myself as a wimp.

How I experience myself, as I walk him, and want him to do something, is like a form of shyness, I don't feel comfortable being clear and direct, I don't feel comfortable with making big hand movements, I don't feel comfortable with making extreme gesture, I've been expressing myself as weak, like I'm asking him to please, and just if he's ok with it, do me a favor by slowing down or not stepping on me, I've not been allowing myself to be assertive, yes, this is the word I've been looking for - Assertiveness.

I see there is a polarity within myself as I have connected being assertive to being aggressive and within defining myself as a "nice person" I have been resisting assertiveness, not allowing myself to express myself with assertiveness. So, what I've been doing is that I try to get him to do what I ask, but I'm trying to be nice about it, because I don't want to be aggressive, within this there is a fear of hurting him, or even worse, a fear that I make a mistake and piss him off, and have him attack me or something of that sort. Within this I see that I haven't realized that assertiveness isn't aggressiveness, and that by trying to "be nice" I've not been clear in my expression towards him, not allowing myself to let go the "nice" point and simply be here and effectively direct the horse.

When I spoke about it to the person that works with him regularly and knows him, and horses in general quite well, she explained to me the mirroring behavior of the horses and showed me the specific points I must work on and emphasize as I walk with him. As we were discussing my application with Fat, I saw that I've been participating within the "submissive character" as a character that allows oneself to be abused, as I've been allowing him to "push me around" and even hurt me as he allowed himself to step on my foot, twice, which was the consequence of me not standing within assertiveness within holding my boundaries and being clear and direct.

Now I see the point a bit more clearly, it's not so much about being submissive, although it is a dimension within myself and a character I participate within, I find that the more dominant point is my resistance to being assertive, and the submissive character is an outflow of that.

fat3 So I'm grateful for working with the horses, as assertiveness has been a resistance for me through out my life, so it's really cool it's come up now, and I see that as I continue working with the horses I will have a practical practice ground and a cool reference point, to see if my application is affective through how the horse will react to me, and I can continue correcting myself until I get it right, and bring myself to a point that I am comfortable within myself as I allow myself to express myself within standing as assertiveness.

I found a few dictionary definitions for assertiveness, the definition of 'assertive' I'm refereeing to is: Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within defining assertiveness in relation to aggression, instead of realizing that assertiveness is a clear and direct stand of self, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing as assertiveness and instead of facing/questioning my resistance from assertiveness I have accepted the justification that it is connected to aggression and left it at that

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself resisting a specific expression, as assertiveness, I investigate the point to clear the definition I have given the specific expression, and within common sense, and within the starting point of what is best for all, I make a directive decision wither I will participate with this expression as myself or not, within this I commit myself to investigate how I've defined words and my relationship to them in order to be able to make a clear and direct decision as to who I am and how I would express myself, and not be directed by tainted definitions that I have never questioned/investigated, that are based in perceptions/fears/personalities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist expressing myself as assertiveness and as a result have expressed myself as submissive, thus allowing myself to be pushed around and abused, not standing up for myself, not setting the boundaries, not being self directive, due to fear of being aggressive, not allowing myself to see the self aggression within not allowing myself to stand up clear within myself

I commit myself to walk through this point of assertiveness, through opening it up in writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, as to allow myself to stand here, directive within/as myself

I will continue in my next blog to open up the point of who I am within assertiveness

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Anonymous said...

Thanks Maya, cool support as I am going through exactly the same process.

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