Monday, September 17, 2012

Day 33 - Fear of being kicked by a horse



here I am walking through the different dimensions of the point of fear of being kicked by a horse through


Though as a picture
An image of a horse standing on his front two feet with his back legs up high

Where did this fear come from?
As a child we went horseback riding, and it was always something they said, like a warning, to not stand/pass behind a horse because it can kick you, and it's very dangerous. It's like the one thing my mom knows/sais about horses: "don't stand behind it so it can't kick you"

Back chat
What is he doing? Should I walk here? Will he kick me? Is he relaxed/irritated?
I know that standing behind a horse is dangerous  
How can I get to the other side without passing behind him?
Shit, what is he thinking? Does he understand me? Is he going to test me?
Am I going to be able to do this?
I'm not sure I'm up for working with horses…
Can I stop being afraid?
Ho shit, they detect fear, he'll walk all over me, I'm not sure I can do this

Imagination (play out, movie scenario)
I see a scenarios in my mind of me passing behind the horse and he kicks me in the head, and I dye, or he kicks me in my chest and breaks my rib cage, or kicks me and I fall down and he steps on me and I'm injured and in pain. All scenarios in regards to me doing something that I shouldn't have, or that could have been prevented, and the horse ends up kicking/hurting me in some way/shape/form

Reaction, emotions/feelings, energetic reaction
Self-doubt, fear, fear of pain, fear of death, hesitation, weakness, I feel like I'm not solid, like less than myself physically, like some of me is missing physically,

Physical changes
I approach the horse with hesitation, like I'm coming towards him and away from him at the same time – my hand is coming towards the horse and my body/back is moving back words
Within the tonality of my voice I ask him to move with a tonality of a question, going high in the end of the sentence, something like: "would you maybe mind moving?" also it is said in a soft and shaking voice

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of being kicked by a horse when working with horses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by a horse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a thought of fear of horses and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing one though to possess me within allowing myself to go into emotional reaction just by that one thought coming into play within that removing myself in separation from myself as the breath here, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through my participation within/as the thought of fear of being kicked by a horse to actually kick the breath away from myself within stopping myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conversations I heard as a child direct me within my participation within/as fear of being kicked by a horse, I realize that there is common sense practicality within understanding the possible events that can occur when working/moving around horses, and thus I work/move within/as awareness not allowing myself to go into the mind within/as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/follow/believe the back chat coming up in my mind in relation to fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within/as back chat and within that to justify the fear as emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to stay within/as the character of fear of horses, limiting myself to a character instead of allowing myself to expand beyond it as life within/as breath, and to explore life and to actually live, not as a programed character but as life itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself within my mind as imagination within projection a film like scenario of being kicked/hurt by a horse and thus perpetuate the fear instead of allowing myself to within self-support to stop the imaginations through realizing that they are not supporting me as life but are supporting the mind as the abusive illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch the imagination in my mind as a short movie as entertainment within justifying and compounding the fear of being kicked by a horse, instead of stopping myself from participating as an audience to this film and allow myself to be here, practically in the physical, where I can actually take action within awareness to prevent such event to occur

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changes I create within/as my body when facing the fear of being kicked by a horse, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind to such an extent that my physical body will change it's expression to equalize with the mind possession as fear, instead of allowing myself to be the directive principle where I align my mind to/as the hereness of my body within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in "mind over matter" by allowing my physical body to change as a result as my mind possession, thus indicating that my mind is the master of me and my body as the slave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my body up to the mind within expressing myself physically according to the mind's fearful possession

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the physical changed in my body due to not allowing myself to be self-intimate within/as my body, and within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the physical changes and investigate them as self-support to assist me in realizing the possession of the mind as fear of horses, to be able to bring myself back here through writing/self-forgiveness/corrective statements

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay stable within/as breath within/as self-trust when working with horses, but instead I go into fear and allow myself to exist as/within fear within visualizing within/as my mind different scenarios that could happen that I would get hurt, I forgive myself or not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I am participating within/as thoughts as imaginations of scenarios that could happen I am at the moment not here within/as breath, not here within/as self and thus at moment of fear/thought I am actually putting myself in danger through not being here in fact to direct any situation that comes along

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself around horses and exist within a constant fear of them getting irritated and I won't notice or know what to do and I will end up getting hurt, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with the horse but instead be in my mind as thoughts/fear and thus create a situation where I cannot be the directive principle because I am not here within awareness to direct the situation, thus I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility of myself and the horse to the mind as trusting in the mind as fear instead of building myself within/as self-trust through applying myself here in every moment within/as breath to be able to actually be here to take responsibility and direct any situation that comes along within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my mind within a imagination of a picture of a horse kicking, a picture I created/stored in my mind as memory, and whenever I recall that picture memory I justify to myself the fear of horses, as if the picture is showing me the actual truth of danger within horses, instead of realizing that the picture is a self-created one dimensional image, and thus is not a "true" representation of the three dimensional reality we exist as, within this I realize that within practicality, the fear is useless and will only put me in unnecessary danger rather than help/assist me, within realizing this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the fear within the understanding that the only thing to fear is the fear itself, from the perspective that while I am participating within/as fear I am not here and cannot direct/take responsibility for/as the situation and thus compromise myself and the environment I am in, within this I realize that since I am the creator of the fear coming up within me, I am responsible and able to stop it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear instead of allowing myself to slowly but surely through stopping the mind as fear time and time again, to build self-trust within the practical understanding that I will slowly and surly learn more and more about the horses and how to handle/treat/read them, thus will become more and more aware of the situation and know what to do/act/behave within also knowing what can go wrong from a perspective of being prepared/informed within common sense, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  to fear the situation within going into my mind as thought/imaginations is what is putting me in danger in fact, within this I also realize that participating within/as fear is acting as an interruption to self, through within creating within myself an impression that I am actually doing something to protect myself from the dangers while in fact all I am doing is the contrary, and actually creating the danger through participating within/as fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to/as the horses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that working with the horses is in fact an opportunity to within working hands on within/as the physical to establish myself here within/as breath


Self-Commitments
I commit myself to, when a thought manifest in my mind of fear of being kicked by a horse - to in that moment stop and breathe within realizing I am here in breath in this body, and within my participation with following the thought, I am missing another breath/moments of being alive here

I commit myself to when a thought of being kicked by a horse manifest in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body to the physical environment I am in, I hear the noises around me, I look at what's around me, I am here, I focus on the physical and through the physical support myself to stay out of the mind as thoughts

I commit myself to investigate information I got from my parents environment within realizing that some of it is practical and some of it is simply an accepted emotional reaction to a situation learnt by the environment and accepted by self, thus I commit myself to participate within using common sense within/as the physical, and not occupy myself within/as the mind as emotional reactions as I have realized they are merely a distraction of being here as life within/as breath
I commit myself to stopping my participation within/as back chat, within realizing they are coming from and defending a character I have created as myself, and thus I realize that my participation within/as back chat is giving power to the character and thus taking power away from self as breath as life, thus I commit myself to stopping the back chat within/as breath as it comes up I breathe and simply do not participate.

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath when watching the fear inducing movie in my head, within realizing that watching the movie in my head is keeping me away from myself here as breath, and thus is actually creating a dangerous situation where I am not here and cannot be responsible for the environment around me and thus cannot trust myself to be safe around the horses, thus I commit myself to when working with/around the horses to be here within/as breath and not allow myself to wonder in the movie of my mind

I commit myself to investigating my physical changes within/as mind possessions as fear of horses, and to through the body learn to detect what is going on in my mind, to be able to stop myself as the mind and to be here within/as the physical body, within/as breath

I commit myself to when working with horses to use it as a practical practice platform for being here within/as breath, and within that I commit myself to use the fear of being kicked by a horse as self-support to breathe through it and remain here as the physical, equal to the horse and what I am doing at the moment here



2 comments:

Rozelle de Lange said...

Cool post Maya - I'm sure that Sagon will assist you greatly with the living application of your self-commitments here :)

Thanks for sharing!

Marlen said...

Thanks for sharing, Maya!

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