Thursday, September 20, 2012
Posted by
Maya R
at
12:51 PM
Labels:
abuse,
desteni,
fat,
journey to life,
judgment,
overeating,
physical abuse,
relationship,
self abuse,
self forgiveness,
suppression
I have
realized that through looking at my relationships to everything/everyone in my
existence I will be able to regain insight to who I am within it all. it's
rather funny/absurd when thinking about it, that I need to find techniques to
regain insight regarding myself as I AM myself…
but apparently I have worked hard all my life to hide myself from myself
and I have reached a point that it isn't clear to me who I am and what I have
become. I say this from a perspective of, for instance, I don't know why I do
certain things, in particular things that I know are not supporting me in any
way and are in fact hurting/abusing me and/or my environment, but still I do
them. Furthermore, I do them within self-justifications/deceptions/manipulation
so I don't see clearly what exactly it is that I am doing.
I've been
living my whole life abusing myself but hiding it from myself within
justifications, and now I've decided that it's time to face myself within the
creation of/as myself, it's time to take responsibility for this shit, and face
who I have allowed myself to become, to be able to stop the abuse through/as a
self-directive decision, to allow myself to see me for who I am, no judgment,
just a commitment to change myself so that I can be trusted, so that I can
trust myself, so that I trust myself that I will not abuse myself or anyone
else and then try and hide it with justifications/manipulations.
So I do
this now through investigating my relationships, within realizing that I am
equal to my relationships, I am equal to what I allow within/as my
relationships, thus by looking at / investigating my relationships I will get
insight into myself.
I start
with my relationship towards food:
I need
food to survive, I enjoy eating, eating/meals is a social event, when food is
served I take a lot, I eat until I am really full, eat to the point where it
makes me feel heavy, not a good feeling, but I don't stop earlier, if I stop
eating before I'm really full I feel deprived, when I see other people eating I
want to eat too even if I wasn't hungry or thinking of food, after eating a lot
I judge myself for it, feel bad for eating "too much" because I don't
want to get fat and I see that as the direct consequences of me eating too much, I like eating
"healthy" foods it makes me feel good about myself, I don't like
throwing food away "it's a waste" so I'll prefer eating it or save it
for later, I eat when I am bored, when I am looking or something to do within
an experience of emptiness and I turn to food to fill me
There is
a basic fear of not having enough food, a worry of getting hungry later and not
having any food to eat, thus I will take more than what I should eat out of
fear of not having enough, and within that I actually create a shortage to
those in my environment because I took too much, but as I'm feeding myself I
don't consider any one but my self-interest as the fear of survival, in the
moment of truth it's more important to me that I am fed properly than that
others are fed, then after I have placed the food in my plate, while we are
eating I will feel guilty/bad for taking too much, especially if I see someone
didn't get enough, and then I will eat everything off my plate to justify the
large portion of food I took, making sure that no one else will think that I
took more than I can handle and judge/blame me for taking too much and causing
a shortage for others, so I force myself to eat it all, as justification for
taking too much, instead of allowing myself to see how much I actually needed
to eat and learn from my "mistake" to next time take less. But I am
so busy in justifying taking too much that I'll force myself to eat it all,
even if it's physically painful, just to be able to reassure myself that I
didn't really take too much because have a look I finished it all.
Another
point that comes up when I fill up my plate is that I fear people will look at
my portions and judge me for eating a lot, so even if everybody had enough
still I will fear the judgment eyes of others thinking "wow, look at how
much she is eating", this judgment is related to how I see myself as fat,
because the full back chat would actually be: "no wonder she is fat, look
at how much she is eating…"
When I
really like the food, I'll take seconds, many times I'm not hungry any more but
I'll take more food because I want to have more of the good stuff, I want to
consume more of it, I figure f I don't eat it then someone else will because
it's so good and then I'll be deprived, so I'll eat more now to compensate in a
way of the possibility of not having any more left for later.
The
result of my relationship with food is actual physical abuse, as I feel
physically bad after the meal, I feel heavy and bloated, also it causes weight
gain and thus enhanced the construct of
feeling/judging myself for being fat which is another point within my
relationship to food, there is like a love/hate relationship, because I love
food but it makes me fat and I hate myself as fat, within the 'fat' point I
don't like the idea of being on a diet or monitoring my food intake, because I
judge it as superficial/vain so in spite of myself I will "eat as much as
I want I what I want" as if to cover up the vanity I exist as within
judging myself for being fat and desiring myself to be skinny.
Another
point is temptation, if there is something I really like, for instance
chocolate/cake, I will eat it even if I'm really very full, just because I want
to enjoy the taste, even if my general experience isn't of enjoinment because
my entire body is suffering from eating too much, but I can't say no to the
treat, and I'll eat it just to satisfy my self-interest temptation, instead of
doing what's best for all my body and just saying no to the temptation because
I know the end result is my suffering. Yet, I will allow enjoy the momentary
fulfillment of the temptation at the expense of the well-known consequences as
physically suffering and self-judging due to it
I see
within this that I've been using food as self-abuse, as physical abuse through
eating too much up to a point that I am physically uncomfortable instead of
using food as a practical physical support as nurturing my physical body, I've
used food as a tool for self-judgment where I judge myself for being fat and
then support that judgment with/through overeating, where I see within it like
a form of punishment, where, since I judge myself for being fat, I punish
myself within overeating, I see also a point of giving up of ever being skinny
so I sabotage myself within overeating, instead of not allowing myself to
abuse myself in such a way, where I make eating/food, through overeating, into a bad thing that supports my self
judgment
another
point within my relationship to food construct is where I get something to eat
out of boredom, like there is an emptiness within me and I will fill it up with
food, or I feel like something but don't know what it is that I want and I'll
satisfy this uneasiness with food, it doesn't really solve the point but it
postpones it for a few bites.
I see
within myself that I do not want to let go this relationship I have with food,
I want to hold on to my addiction, I have excuses coming up "but I don't
want to be on a diet" showing me the polarity I have created in regards to
food, instead of allowing myself to eat as self support, I have been eating as
a way to create energy within/as me, not the physical energy needed to support
the body but the emotional energy needed to feed the mind, within the
contrast/polarity and self judgment and lack of self direction with it all.
So I
don't want to let go, I want to hold on to my addiction, but I realize that is
the pattern of addiction, and thus I stand within/as myself and direct myself
to stop the addiction to food, within firstly writing myself to freedom within
applying self forgiveness, I will myself to stop myself as the addiction, to
trust myself that I am supporting myself through food and not abusing myself
within/as the energy I consume through it
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to physically abuse myself through
overeating
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to take more than I require due to
fear of survival within self interest of making sure that I have enough while
not taking into consideration those in my environment, and within that to
create through my over-consumption a lack, a shortage, and thus to manifest
that which I fear as lack of food through my participation as being directed by
the fear
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat until I am really full up to a
point that I create myself physical pain/uncomfortability instead of allowing
myself to stop eating before that point
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel deprived if I stop eating
before I am really full not realizing that feeling deprived is based on an idea
created within/as the mind, and thus is not real in fact, what is real is that
through my allowing myself to be directed by this feeling of being deprived I
am in fact abusing myself as the physical
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for overeating
because of not wanting to get fat, instead of investigating the initial
starting point of overeating and thus creating another layer to the pattern of
overeating through participating within/as self judgment derived from the idea
of how I should look within comparing myself to that ide and judging myself for
not living as it
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat only because others are eating
instead of eating as self support when my body requires it and not based on the
visual trigger of others eating
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to not limit myself within the amounts
of food I eat and only limit myself through physical pain, thus through
actually abusing myself to the point of pain
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to create energetic relationships with
food/eating and thus not allow myself to eat as physical support but to abuse
eating as a way to suppress myself and what I am experiencing
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food within/as an energetic
relationship instead of using it as physical nutrition for my body
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to eat as physical support as
nurturing my body, but instead to eat from a starting point of the mind, within
using food as a way to suppress myself through eating as preoccupying myself
within/as food instead of allowing myself to see/face myself as who I have
accepted/allowed myself to be and to through self forgiveness/writing change myself into an effective trust worthy
being
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the point I am hiding from
myself within the point of overeating
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is the starting point
within/as overeating
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate/face who I am
within overeating
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat as a form of suppression,
creating physical pain/discomfort to distract me from the mind discomfort I am
experiencing but do not want to allow myself to see/face
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to eat as a way to feel
better, as if everything is OK with me, within that I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to get comfort from eating, as a form of drug as
a way to zone off the pain/discomfort
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to see not eating as a form of
punishment, like I would be punishing myself to deprive myself of the
enjoinment of eating something, within that not allowing myself to make a self
directed decisions to how to support myself as my physical body through eating
comfortable portions at comfortable times within "listening" to my
body and eating as self physical support
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the idea that not
eating is a punishment and thus I separate myself further from myself as the
physical body within eating at all times when ever a trigger comes up
regardless to how my physical body is feeling in regards to consuming more food
at the moment
I forgive
myself for judging myself now, within writing self forgiveness, for not
allowing myself to see the actual point within my relationship to food, within
that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to breathe, to be here within/as
self forgiveness and allowing myself to walk it one breath at a time as I
unfold/expose myself to myself within/as breath
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from myself to see the point
in the moment and I haven't allowed myself to realize within this that I am
walking a process and slowly but surely I will open more and more points as I
allow myself within self honesty, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to bare with myself and to allow myself to breathe through/as
process as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself as the physical body when I as my physical body am showing/signaling myself to stop eating
Self-Commitments
I commit
myself to further investigate this point as I see that I have not yet reached
the core point/cause within this construct of overeating
I commit
myself to stop myself within/as self judgment when I see myself judging myself
for not seeing the point directly, within that I realize that opening myself up
to/as myself will take time as I build self trust, as I must trust myself to
open up to myself, within that showing to myself my relationship with self as
not yet establishing self trust, within this I commit myself to walk a process
of establishing self trust within realizing that self trust is the basis for a
supoprtive relationship within/as self towards self.
I commit
myself to slow myself down within breath as I am eating, to give myself a
chance to be aware of my physical body as it signals when I should stop eating,
within this I commit myself to listening to my physical body and not ignore it
when it is signaling me to stop eating
I commit
myself to build a supportive relationship with myself as my physical body
through not allowing myself to abuse myself as the physical body within/as overeating
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1 comments:
Its like reading my own words...wow thanks for sharing this point!
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