Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

I've come to see that any point of depression within me is indicating, beneath all the mind fuck and bullshit, that I am not applying myself effectively, that I am not satisfied with myself as life. I am showing myself that I am not standing as support of all life. And since I know this within myself, I can't stand myself for it – thus Depression.

But, instead of stopping myself within/as the mind, instead of taking the hint and standing up within rage to face myself as how I have allowed myself and the world to reach this point of abuse and self distraction, instead of standing up within the self commitment to change myself into a being that actually supports oneself and all life as myself within equality because I realize that nothing will ever change if even I can't change, instead of pushing myself to become a being of dignity, integrity and self respect… Instead of all that, I go into depression, I hide from myself deeper and deeper in my mind's deepest cave, as if hoping, that maybe, deep in the cave, self honesty will not find me.

Within this i realize the silliness of it all. Self honesty is all around me showing me the problems as they exist in the world, showing me all that needs correction, showing me how I am responsible and showing me what I got to do to change… I hide within depression hoping that self honesty as life won't find me… Is that a joke?… Self honesty is within me as me, and is all around me, everywhere in reality, self honesty is reality in fact, the physical reality, thus it cannot be escaped... So how the hell do I expect to hide from myself as life as the physical reality as self honesty? It’s simply not possible!! 

One cannot hide from oneself within self honesty, self is always here. One cannot hide, but can only postpone the inevitable, the inevitable being death, and I don't know yet what exactly happens at or after death because I haven't yet been there myself, but what I'm pretty sure about is that one stops existing within ones physical body, thus, anything you require your body to do (which is every damn thing as far as I know) you better do before your death, and since we don't know when death will be knocking at our doors, we better do it NOW.

So, I see that I am using depression to hide from myself and not take self responsibility, I realize that I have been using depression to try and avoid myself because I know within self honesty that I am not applying myself as I am able to in order to be satisfied with myself from perspective that in death I can stand within myself and face whatever judgment day that comes my way.

This is what I've seen so far as a general construct of depression, now I want to look further in specificity, to see what are the points within me that trigger this construct. One trigger point is the self judgment of being worthless as I've written in yesterday's blog, and here I will write about the point of the dependency I have on positive reinforcement.

 

There is within me a desire to be special/unique/one of a kind/the best/important/valuable/good… as long as I am reassured by people in my environment, that I am one or all of these aspects/definitions then I am "OK", which really means that with each positive reinforcement i get a hit of high/positive energy to keep me going within/as the addictions to happy/sweet/good feelings that come along with the high/positive energy. But if I don’t get it, I feel lacking and immediately allow myself to go into the polarity of believing I must be bad/unworthy/worthless/ ordinary/wrong…

Within this point of positive reinforcement I see that I require validation from others in order to assess myself, within that, when I don't get from others the positive energetic rush I am looking for through validating me, I will crash/fall into the other side of the polarity within believing that since I didn't get the positive feedback I must be the negative.

through opening this construct up, I am able to see many points I have been participating within: I've allowed myself to exist within/as polarities, to be addicted to the good/positive energetic reactions as feelings, to define myself according to a polarity construct and to define myself according to how others perceive/judge me, and thus to not only judge myself based on a polarity but to base that judgment on what I perceive others think of me or judge me for.

Through my participation within/as this construct of dependency on positive reinforcement, I have been allowing self abuse, self diminishment and self sabotage, instead of allowing the "negative feelings" to show myself back to myself in self honesty as self support, within realizing: "ho fuck, I am participating in polarity, I am allowing myself to be a slave to emotions/feelings, I am allowing myself to be addicted to positive/sweet energetic experiences and thus am allowing myself to be manipulated and manipulate others to satisfy this addiction, I am defining myself according to what others think of me or judge me for"…. I have not allowed myself to see all this as a point of self realization as self support, I have not allowed myself to stop myself within/as breath, I have not allowed myself to commit myself to never again accept myself as self abuse through stopping myself within participating with these construct/patterns… I have not allowed myself to face myself but instead I have allowed myself to fall into depression within believing the negative feelings to be "true" while not realizing that I am making it true only through my participation within it.

 

Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statements in the following blogs