Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath