Day 40 - Fearing Judgment Day

When I die, I want to die with no regrets, with no shame of who I have allowed myself to be, I want to die knowing I actually lived as life, and not as a robot that didn't even program itself, but has been pre-programed and just accept it and thus acted from within the program, not knowing who I am, how I came to become who I am, why I do what I do….

I have been simply following the program as myself, a program made as feelings/emotions/desires/fears/ opinions/beliefs…. I have define myself as all these, believing these voices in my head and energetic reactions within myself to be me, as what I have been programed as my mind… thus allowing myself to be trapped in the program instead of stopping and living for real.

How is it that I allowed myself to act/live/behave only within/as the program, and have not stopped for a moment to evaluate for myself - is this who I want to be? Am I considering life as a whole? Am I going to continue allowing myself to ignore within deliberate forgetfulness the rest of life that doesn't concern me within my self interest simply because they are not in my immediate environment? 

I have allowed myself to be directed by fears, I live through hiding and running away from my fears, not even considering that the point of stability will be attained when I hit rock bottom, like a marble at the bottom of a bowl, where I will know there is no where lower to fall to… that's when I can see that that which I have feared the most didn't kill me, and then I can let it go.

But do I actually need to get there, do I need to lose everything and manifest all my fears into the actual physical reality in order to wake the fuck up from this pre-programed so called life I have been participating in? Or will I take self responsibility and clear myself from all the fears that I have created within/as myself and have allowed myself to participate with and be directed by, so I know within self trust that they will not direct me ever again, that I will not allow myself to be directed by them, so I can stop allowing myself to be a slave to them, and can trust myself to actually do what is best for all life.

I have been allowing myself to live within great shame of who I am, taking who I am personally, believing it to be me as the definition of me as who I am, and thus not allowing myself to see/face myself because of the fear of facing the guilt and shame for what I have allowed myself to do and who I've allowed myself to be in this reality.

So the first fear I must face is the fear of facing myself, within understanding that I, as self as life, am not who I am programed to be, I as life as self is not defined by the program, thus I must allow myself to see the program as myself, to see myself for who I have allowed myself to be, so that I can once and for all take responsibility and direct myself as support to all life, as that is the only way that I will be able to stand in the face of death without the shame I have now towards myself for not supporting life, the shame for ignoring life and allowing abuse, allowing pain, creating pain for my own personal interest, to get a good feeling that has been programed into me as sugar, to keep me running towards the temptations of the positive feelings and away from the negative, thus allowing myself to be a slave to my feelings/emotions, a lifeless robot that is moved and directed by cue, with no inner movement, no self will or self direction… is this who I want to be? Is this how I am accepting myself as?

But how is it done? Through stopping the mind, stopping all thoughts within/as breath, as breath is here in every moment within/as/of reality, and thus breath is an anchor to self, here as the physical, one with reality. To within breath stop all thoughts as I have realized that thoughts are the 'behind scene director' of the program of my life, and thus cannot be trusted in any way, no matter how sweet they seem, and how tempting, thoughts/feelings/beliefs are all part of the program, manipulating me to lose myself in the mind as I compromise myself here within/as the physical, and within this manipulated-forgetfulness I forget about all the other beings in the world/reality, just for getting what I desire as a good feeling…

In my next blog I will continue opening up this point further with Self Forgiveness