Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Posted by
Maya R
at
1:31 PM
Labels:
alone,
bad day,
depression,
desteni,
journey to life,
misery,
sad,
self abuse,
self forgiveness,
wallow
Yesterday I had a 'bad' day here at the farm, I started working
with the horses so my day got added two more time slots of physicality, which I
love, but it is very time consuming and suddenly the time I have left is less, so
I see that I will need to start rearranging my time more effectively which
brings up a point of fear/concern because I have always lived within the
self-definition of not knowing to manage my time, so having to be more
affective within it was experienced as a point of stress. Another point that
came up within me is that I handed in my last assignment for school the
previous day, so yesterday was the first
day I actually had the full day to be here and not have to spend my time on
finishing up the assignments, which is what I've done in the first few days
here, but I guess in a way having the assignment gave me a side door escape
from the process I am walking here, like an excuse to not
write/self-forgive/self-investigate, because I have this assignment to do… and
now I don't anymore have this excuse/side door anymore and I can actually be
completely here, and that scares me….
There were some more little things that have happened throughout the day,
nothing too significant, for instance, I experienced resistance towards writing
my daily blog and the self-forgiveness I have committed myself to write as a
part of the SRA course I am walking, and
the resistance brought up another fear of not being able to do this, not being
capable enough within some high expectation I have been comparing myself to, a
point that I've seen many times come up within me, that I expect myself to be
more than myself within my process, instead of allowing myself to walk it
for/as myself, one step at a time, crossing the berries of resistance as they
come along and show me more points within/as myself, but instead I go into
stress and self-judgment that I will never make it thus making it that much
harder for myself instead of breathing through the resistance, pushing through
it, investigating it and moving passed it…
Now that I'm writing about it I see more and more points… lol… so maybe
it wasn't just a few small points but rather some big issues I have allowed
myself to suppress until they have accumulated…
So, another point was a blog I read and within reading it I started
thinking of how selfish I am, and how I would always put myself first before my
friends if a guy was concerned, and just thinking and judging myself within
looking at the point of who I am within relationships, and can I actually be
trusted to support someone or only always myself… I know I can be both supportive and selfish,
and I know I am abusing myself as self-diminishment through self-judgment
within focusing only on the times I wouldn't give up my own pleasure for
helping/supporting another being/a friend, instead of looking at it from a
perspective of being grateful for seeing the point and allowing myself to
change within taking self-responsibility for myself from now on, through
allowing myself to forgive myself for the past as who I have accepted and
allowed myself to become and decide who I want to be from here on out within
standing as the principle of equality and oneness and pushing through the patterns
as self-interest I have created myself as. But before realizing this just now
through writing, yesterday I was upset and judging myself for basically being a
selfish, untrustworthy bitch.
So the whole day was full of these small points within my day that I
didn't direct and allowed accumulate without even being aware of them, until by
the end of the day I had this cloud hovering over me, I wanted to be alone, I
felt low, but I didn't want to support myself, I wanted to wallow in my own misery,
not asking for assistance from all those around me, just staying in this
depressed sensation, that even now writing about it I tear up, almost like
experiencing it again, or emotionally remembering the feeling.
The points I see that came up within me through-out the day are:
·
Allowing myself to wallow
in my misery instead of supporting myself to stand up and out of the mind possession
·
My relationship to Time management
·
Fear of being here fully,
what does it mean to me?
·
Resistance towards writing –
how I define myself accordingly and the fear I go into, allowing myself to be
directed by the resistance instead of pushing myself to walk through within
breath
·
Judging myself for being a
selfish bitch / bad friend / putting guys before friends
I'll take them on one at a time
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself
as low/sad/depressed and instead of investigating the point or finding a way to
support myself to walk through this point I have allowed myself to wallow in my
own misery as a form of self-abuse within believing myself as the mind and
giving the emotion experience power and control over me, instead of standing
clear and directing myself as self-support within/as breath through the
emotional possession
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off
in my room, instead of staying with the other beings, within the fear of my
emotional possession being exposed, not realizing that it is the possession
that fears being exposed and I, as self-direction, can/am able to push myself
to expose/investigate/explore the emotional possession as I know this is
actually self-support while also knowing that allowing it to possess me is
self-abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off
in my room as I have closed myself off in my mind as emotional possession,
instead of staying within/as the physical as practical physical support through
allowing myself to face the beings around me with thus staying physical within
real communication and not closed off alone in my mind in my room away from
anything that can assist me in getting out of the mind and back to the physical
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to support myself through breath when I am in a state of
mind possession as experiencing myself as sad/low/depressed, thus to push
myself to breathe for as long as it takes until the possession is passed to
show to myself that I am here as breath remain after the storm of emotion has
passed
I commit myself to when experiencing myself low/sad/depressed to
stay/express with the beings around me as self-support, and push through the
fear of exposure due to realizing that the fear of walking through the
emotional possession is of the mind and not self-directed, thus I push and direct
myself to support myself to move out of the emotional possession through the
assistance of those around me through not running away from facing them within
the fear of being exposed, but rather realize that the exposure is a first step
in solving/investigating the point of possession, through making it physical
within communication
I commit myself to when being possessed by emotions as sad/sorrow/low,
to push myself to be as physical as possible as a point of self support, and
thus to communicate with people, to breathe, and to allow myself to step out of
my mind as a room I have placed myself in alone within separation and to allow
myself to be in the actual reality as the physical with other human beings
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