Day 39 - I am being abused

In my last two blogs (Day 37, Day 38) I wrote about accepting abuse from others and believing that I was stable within it, as in believing that I didn't react because I did not react externally as expressing the point externally, but actually I did react as a suppressed energetic reaction within myself.

Today I will go deeper into why I reacted in the first place, because I have noticed that in my blog I was mostly going on about the point of the reaction as believing I am stable for not creating external conflict, but the fact of the mater was that internally I did in fact react and have accumulated the energy until a point of explosion for the accumulated energy to release.

So, what am I reacting to within this context, what is the "I am being abused" point that I am referring too? What do I consider to be abusive? What am I defining as abuse? What does it mean to me when I am being "spoken down upon"? What is triggering reactions within me that I suppress and turn into blame within a manipulation to not take responsibility and to thus allow myself to be trapped within/as my mind as an organic robot operating through fuzzy logic, while not standing accountable for myself because I have no clue as to how I got here and how/why I created these reactions/ideas/beliefs/judgments within me.

There is a specific tonality when people speak, they can ask me something simple, like to make them coffee for example, and they can say it in a way that I will do it happily, I wouldn't mind doing it, I will even get a nice feeling inside for them asking me and for me being able to help/assist them (I see now this too is a form of energetic reaction, and thus must be investigated and cleared as well as the other side of the polarity). The other option is that they can say it in a way that I will react within myself like feeling a physical contraction within my chest/stomach, and it has to do with "how" they say it.

So one point of reaction is the "how" I am asked to do things that make me go into a reaction of inferiority basically, feeling like they said it in a demeaning way.

Another point within this, is the "who" is asking, I realize that if someone that I look up to, that I respect as my superior, will ask me to do something I will not react as much as if someone I don't look up to will ask me, like a point that if I accept myself as inferior to the person I will be more likely to accept the demeaning tonality, but if it is someone that I do not accept myself as inferior to, then I would feel the physical stomach contraction more.

Actually coming to think of it, I would react in both cases, with the superior person I would simply suppress it even more due to defining myself already as less than and thus accepting the situation as legitimate for them to speak in a way that I have defined as demeaning, and with the person I don't see as superior I might get angry sooner within a point of "they are not better than me, why the hell do they allow themselves to talk to me like that" - this "talk to me like that" is what I am interesting in finding/investigating. Why is it that some thing is said and a specific way and I react as if I am being abused in fact.

The interesting thing is that I experience such situations as being abusive/taken advantage of/ being out down/mocked/humiliated/, while nothing abusive took place actually, I was asked to do a task and then it was up to me to do it or not and to react within myself or not, and to express anything to the other person or not. The patter I participate in is to do what they ask, to react within myself but to suppress it and not say anything, but to accumulate the reaction. After this pattern has played out long enough I will snap and react within an explosion, letting out all the energy I have suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the assumptions I place on a situation not realizing that I am separating myself form the situation and thus myself through seeing the world/reality/situation through a lens of my beliefs/ideas and thus not allow myself to actually see/hear what is being said here within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how people ask me things and thus to interpret their asking as a form of abuse as I perceive their asking me in a way that is demeaning/humiliating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the reaction within me is a point of self support as showing me where I am defining myself as less than, and thus within every reaction I experience towards a being asking me to do something I commit myself to investigate the point so that I am not directed by the reaction and can walk within/as breath within/as common sense within/as the physical as who I am in fact, within realizing/understanding that I am not in fact the reaction I experience through my allowance, it is exactly that, an experience I have allowed within/as myself and within the ability to allow such experience I have the ability to stop allowing myself to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how another asks me to do something within a self definition as being less than, and within the belief that if I oblige to what they ask I am confirming my inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal and instead to define/judge/assess myself within a comparison and within a constant evaluating according to those around me, not realizing that I am not defined by those around me, I simply am who I am, and any definition is a self limitation tactic placed by the mind to keep me controlled within the reactions allow myself to go into when these definitions are compromised/challenged

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into inferiority when people express themselves in a way that I perceive to be demeaning, instead of communicating the point within breath, not allowing myself to react, but to simply correct the situation through communication and breath, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear conflict and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of conflict and thus to suppress the reaction as inferiority and thus accumulate it until the next time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for how they express themselves within believing that they are abusing me with their words/tonality, and I haven't realize that by blaming them I am not allowing myself to see the point within myself that I define myself as less than, that was triggered, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take responsibility as the creator of my experience but victimize myself and blame the other for abusing me

whatever the reason, if you still react to such words - the person is an outer demon showing your inner demons, speaking words/beliefs you may still hold about yourself - Sunette Spies

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate each and every reaction I experience within myself within realizing that if I react with energy to anything said to me I am actually saying such things to myself as self-judgment, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I go into blaming another for abusing me and to investigate why/how I am abusing myself within self judgment/belief

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior and thus to react within inferiority when others are speaking in a way that I have defined to be demeaning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay more attention to how things are said instead of focusing on what is being said and within that to make a directive decision within/as self honesty as to weather I accept what is said or not and within that to act in respect to my acceptance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself within a belief that I am being forced to do something that I do not want to do, while not realizing that it is just a mind manipulation to get me further away from seeing that I am and have always been the directive principle within/as my actions and thus am not forced to do anything, within that I forgive myself for believing that I am a victim not realizing that I am allowing myself to victimize myself and thus am responsible for the experience of myself as victim, within this I realize that by stopping myself as the mind within the self-beliefs of being inferior I will not allow myself to resort to self victimization to justify the feeling of inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself as inferior through believing that others are demeaning me instead of stopping myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior when being asked/told what to do because I have allowed myself to believe that those asking/telling me what to do have power over me, and I have not allowed myself o realize that within breath, I am the directive principle and thus I am the decider of what to do, and thus I am not inferior in fact and am not subject to what others say but only to myself, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to build myself as self trust within realizing myself as the directive principle and thus go into inferiority

I commit myself to stopping any points of inferiority within me, within realizing that I have created them as myself and within that have allowed myself to abuse myself and accept abuse instead of standing up as life and not accepting myself as anything less than life

I commit myself to breathing before acting within/as self support to slow myself down to be able to see myself within/as the energetic reaction I am participating in, within this I commit myself to slow myself down within/as breath and to direct myself within common sense  to act within the situation within realizing that I am the directive principle and thus am not a victim of anyone

I commit myself to walk this process of self investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements within self honesty until I realize myself as life and no longer allow myself to suppress myself within the self belief of being inferior