Day 23 – Weak and Powerless

I arrived last night at the desteni farm, and already many points have opened up. I'm doing my best to digest it all and move through it all, reminding myself that it takes time, and all I can do is walk one point at a time, one breath at a time… 

I've been saying this to myself "one point/breath/step at a time" as a mantra, but in actuality haven't been walking, so I see I have set up the idea that it will all take time as an excuse, and I see it because I have been doing close to nothing about pushing/changing/walking points within myself. Of course it's common sense that the points I see within myself will not walk themselves, within this I realize that all points within myself have to be self-directed by/as  myself, which means that I have to actually walk through the points as myself in order for myself to change myself within/as the points that I see within me…  This small point of insight has been coming back again and again, and it seems so obvious yet even though I've known this, I've done nothing about it, still within the hope that things will move and change without me having to change or move…

Today at breakfast during a conversation some of us had, I realized that I am the creator of myself, my thoughts, and the prison cage I am living in. It was then pointed out that I am powerful enough to have created all of this but ironically still believe myself to be weak and powerless. It was also pointed out that I am so powerful that I am powerful enough to disregard all life, and within that to disregard and abuse myself as life, through allowing myself to be directed by thoughts and, through these thoughts, to create massive abuse in many shapes and forms, as we can plainly see exist in all aspects of the world and of life, as well as the "personal abuse" allowed to exist in my privet world and relationships.

What was interesting is that at the time this was discussed and shown to me, my back chat went on and on about "but if I am the creator and am responsible for all that is here, then everybody else is equally the creator and thus is equally responsible for what is here – so why don't THEY fix it all up".

It was fascinating to see how fast from the moment of seeing my responsibility I went to find excuses to get me out of it, to have someone else share responsibility with me, someone else to blame if it all goes wrong – anything but allowing myself to stand within self-trust and take responsibility.

What a foreign concept - standing up, trusting myself, taking self-responsibility… is this really who I want to be?  Do I really want to be someone that these concepts are distant and seem impossible?

It's so easy to go into self-doubt and convince myself I can't do it and that it would actually be best for all to count on someone else to get this world sorted out…

it's so easy to not make any effort and keep on complaining and crying about how hard and unfair life is, while still not doing the minimum effort that it takes in order to change anything - the minimum being changing myself, taking responsibility for myself only, figuring out why/how I do what I do, checking and changing my own starting point of action to actually consider life, to actually consider myself as life, to actually respect myself enough to allow myself to give myself the gift of life, instead of remaining a lifeless robot directed by everything and anything around me only for the sake of not taking self-responsibility and hiding a life time behind blame and excuses based on fear.

This way of life is not only "not best for all", but is actually not even best for me. So who's interest am I obeying by not changing? Who is the beneficiary of me remaining as I am, not willing to change? What am I protecting? Why am I not allowing myself to change? Why do I believe that change is so hard and even impossible yet I talk about it and preach it to others expecting them to believe my words, hoping they will be the ones that save us all? Why do I hope and expect others to get it done, trusting they can do it instead of doing it myself, or trusting myself? How can I expect anything to change if I am not willing to change myself?

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use "one step at a time" as an excuse that things happen slowly and thus I don't have to push myself here in this very moment but I can wait "cause things take time" not realizing that only I can change/move myself in every moment through self-direction, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the time it takes for self /points to move/change is not accumulated by the minutes that have gone by, but by the self-directed actions and movement taken in a moment, thus realizing that if I don't push myself to change nothing with happen "in time" and only through actually pushing/moving myself one step at a time, one breath at a time, will I slowly but surely change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that things will change on their own without me having to do anything about it, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope I will change without having to actually do anything about it. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rely on hope instead of practical common sense within the realization and understanding that no one will change me but myself and thus I must stand as self-directive principle and will myself to push myself to change myself to birth myself as life from the physical

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am weak and powerless, and thus not able to change anything within my environment including myself, and within that allowing myself to be directed by everything and anything that is around me, not realizing that I have deliberately given away my power as self-manipulation to not have to stand up and take self-responsibility within the belief/idea that I am better off pretending to be weak and powerless than to actually stand up for/as life

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing myself to be weak and powerless instead of realizing the power I do in fact have as/within myself as life and to investigate the power as myself and learn to apply myself as powerful within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my power to disregard and abuse myself as life within manipulating myself to believe that I am powerless, instead of accepting myself as life realizing the power I have as myself and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life to stop all abuse that I have been accepting through not stopping due to believing I am powerless

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a concept/idea about 'power', and within that to separate myself from 'power' as the concept I have defined it as, thus only allowing myself to believe myself as weak and powerless, instead of investigating and changing the definition I have given power,  to allow myself to live the 'power' as myself and not be directed by the resistance I have towards 'power' as a mind created concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in my ability to avoid taking self-responsibility thus accepting the construct of not taking self-responsibility to exist within/as myself and thus within/as all of existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself/others/the situation in order to get out of taking self-responsibility and thus not doing that which I know is necessary to be done, and within that accepting and allowing the construct of self-interest based manipulation to exist

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequential outflow of allowing myself to participate in self-interest manipulation due to the desire to not have to take self-responsibility, and within that I have not allowed myself to realize that weather I take it or not, I am in fact responsible and accountable for that which I accept and allow within/as myself

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to actually push myself within the understanding that I can move/change one point at a time, and to stop using "it takes time" as an excuse to take my time and not push myself and walk the points I see needed to be walked.

I commit myself to stop any and all reliance I have on 'hope' within the understanding that through hope I have been keeping myself away from actually committing myself to the practical steps needed to be done in order to change what requires to be changed. Within this I commit myself to show that hope is in fact useless, abusive and only operates as a form of separation by keeping self from actually doing what is needed to be done in the name of hoping that someone else or somehow it will be done without self having to do anything about it and thus allowing things to continue as they are as an silent acceptance covered up by the deception of hope.

I commit myself to stop using the self-belief of being weak and powerless as an excuse to not take self-responsibility, also I commit myself to show the abusive nature of the belief of being weak and powerless, due to accepting and allowing atrocities to go on un disturbed through accepting the self-belief of being too weak to intervene and stand for what is best for all life.

I commit myself to investigate the definition I have given 'power' and why/how I have allowed it to have power over me through resisting the concept of power and separating 'power' from myself.

I commit myself to investigate through writing and self-forgiveness the fear existing within me that I have allowed to direct me within not taking self-responsibility through using manipulation and justification and anything to get me out of it in order to not face the hidden fear that I have allowed to exist within me