Thursday, September 13, 2012
Posted by
Maya R
at
12:18 PM
Labels:
character,
desteni,
journey to life,
power,
self forgiveness,
weak,
weakness
Continuing
from my previous blogs:
Here
I will investigate how I have defined myself as the character of weak/fragile/powerless
within investigating the definition, relationship and the energetic charge I
have towards these words, and the polarity of these words, all this in order to
see what I am allowing within/as myself as participating and being directed by the
character definitions that I believe to be me.
Weak
What
characteristics do I associate with weakness?
skinny,
sluggish, hunched, no eye contact, feminine, soft/low voice, unstable,
Within
my definition of the weak character, people will find ways, through manipulation, to get things
done for them, other people will feel sorry for them and help them out, so it's
a point of being helpless, or not taking self-responsibility as equals but rather
impose on others ones responsibilities
When
do I go into the weak character?
When
I experience myself not wanting to do something, but do it anyway, I can become
sluggish and drop my shoulders and express myself physically as weak, like I am
this poor being having to burden myself with something I don't desire to be
bothered with.
Also
when I do something that I define as inferior, so I will do it, to avoid
conflict, but I will experience myself as weaker than the situation, like I'm
trapped in the situation/task and I have to do it quietly
Another
point is when I am asked to do something but do it because I feel like I "have
to" or "should" or just within a desire to please another, rather
than actually doing it within self-directed decision.
And
the last point is when I believe I am incapable of completing the task, in
other words, when I am experiencing myself as inferior to the task, then I go
into the weak character, like giving up before even starting, like paving the
path towards my failure due to believing I cannot make it, and thus I believe
myself to be weak and act within the weak character to justify and prove to
myself that I am right to believe myself to be incapable.
What
is my relationship with people I perceive are weak through judging them based
on their physical/behavioral expression?
I
will look down upon those that express themselves as weak within the assumption
that they are in fact weak as the expression of who they are and I therefore perceive
myself to be more powerful than them.
When
I judge someone as weak I am rejected/repelled by it, I won't value the person,
I will judge and blame them for not standing up, for whining, for complaining,
for asking for mercy, I will not appreciate them, I will see myself as more
than them, I will take comfort in having someone to compare myself to and be
better than, I will enjoy their weakness because it makes me feel powerful for
a change, as a moment of pleasure/satisfaction within a life time of feeling
weak myself.
I see
within this point that instead of stopping the cycle, I will participate in it,
I will enjoy the moments I am on top to cover up the many moments I am on
bottom, I will justify the cycle in hope of being on top one more time, I will suppress
the pain and self-abuse through feeling weak and incompetent, just to feel one
more time myself on top, myself as powerful, instead of stopping the cycle of
polarity of weak/power, instead of realizing that I have been disregarding my
actual power the whole time and hoping/waiting for a sense of power through the
power created as an illusion of/within my mind. Instead of realizing that I have
become addicted to the power of the mind to such an extent that I cannot see
the power of self as life.
Another
point I see within this is the following, In my mind, 'Power' is connected to
men/masculine and 'weakness' is connected to women/feminine.
All
my life I have felt too masculine and not enough feminine, I was a strong kid,
I liked to play ball with the boys, I didn't like make up or shopping, I always
saw myself as overweight and didn't consider myself being a good looking girl,
I never felt attractive to men.
Within
this I see that I made a decision to be weak within a belief that this will
make me more feminine, becoming weak, resenting myself as weak as a way to
connect to myself as a woman, and to be able to connect to men as a woman, thus
as weak.
The
point of man/woman was dominant throughout my life because I never felt like I
fit in from that perspective, for instance, I was never one of the guys and
never wanted to be one of the girls (well, a few years ago this has changed a bit
and since then I enjoy 'girl time', but this only happened after years of
resisting girls), so I never felt like one of the guys because I was a girl,
but I never felt like a girl because I wasn't connected to myself as woman, whatever
the hell that even means.
Another
point it came up is that I studies physics both in school and uni, and there
were not many girls studying with me, and the teachers and the guys from class
they all gave me the impression that they were impressed that I'm even there,
studying physics – why is it impressive that I'm doing it and not that 'one of
the guys' is doing it? It can only be because I'm a woman. I would get
"special" attention from the perspective of them not expecting much
from me and being surprised when I did well, but not surprised when I had
difficulty and expressed misunderstandings.
So,
being weak, expressing myself as weak, asking for help from a helpless starting
point… all has been a way to connect to my femininity, to feel like through
this I am more woman, through this I was able to approach men and ask them for
help and express how weak and helpless I am, because I didn't know how to
approach them from an equal starting point, because I believed it would be seen
as masculine and thus would not serve my best interest.
As
time went by I have accepted this character as myself, forgetting that I
created it and for what reason. I realize now how unsupportive this character
is because it basically allows me to diminish myself and not show/express my
worth/value even to myself, and throughout the years I have lost contact with
my own self value, my value as a living being, my value as self-expression. All
I know now is I am afraid to lose the only aspect of me that I consider to be
feminine, what will I be without it?
What's
interesting is that I see weak as feminine, but I don't consider woman to be
weak, I see woman around me and they are so powerful and yet so feminine, so I
know it isn't a contradiction when looking at it within common sense, but the
experience within/as me as I am typing is like a sadness/fear of having to let
go of this weakness character within the connection to it being my femininity. Another
point of sadness is the realization that I have been lying to myself all these
years, suppressing myself, not accepting myself, hiding myself to fit in to a definition
that I created and accepted as reality, even though it was self-abusive and
harmful.
Another
point I see within the weak character is a point of placing myself as weak
through competition/comparison with other, when I don't want to be the winner,
because I fear they will handle it badly, so I would act/place myself as
weak/less than so that the other can win, not realizing that the competition
was only created in my mind, and the actual supportive thing to do would have
been to stop the competition within me, within realizing that I and the other
are not actually being judged and valued by no one but myself as the mind, and thus
not to place myself as a loser to defend the idea I have of the other being too
weak to take it, within projecting the weakness back and forth to not be able
to see its origin.
i will continue in tomorrow's blog with self forgiveness
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