Day 38 - Reacting through Not Reacting - Self forgiveness

Check out my previous blog:  Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea within myself that if I do not externally react to something it means I am stable / non reactive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as long as I am reacting within myself as an energetic reaction as a movement within/as myself I am in fact reacting, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on another for apparently abusing me while not noticing that I have reacted within/as my mind and thus am a full participant/creator of the situation, thus I commit myself to allow myself to see/face within self honesty points within me that I react to/towards and to investigate all points of reaction so that I can trust myself and my perspectives on the world/reality around me, because of as the moment, as long as I am reacting within energy I know I cannot be trusted, thus, I commit myself to clear myself from any an all reactions through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements to be able to stop myself as the blame character and trust myself to actually support myself as life within common sense within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrain myself from reacting in order to be able to blame the other for reacting/abusing and state within myself that I am stable and thus clear and thus am able to state that they are to blame, when in fact I have used this point as self manipulation to avoid taking self responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to become within the initial point of reacting to what the other had said or how they said it. I realize within this that as I walk the process of stopping participation with mind and investigating myself within self honesty to see who I am, what I am, why I do what I do and so forth, I must build myself as self honesty because I see how easy it is to manipulate myself within/as the tools of the process, and thus I commit myself to building self honesty within/as myself through always going back to self within never believing the mind constructs as blame because the moment I divert my attention to the other while I am still reacting I am missing me at that moment, missing an opportunity to see why I reacted, missing a chance to change within/as self support within/as breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself through pointing a blaming figure at the other while within a state of self righteousness, not allowing myself to see the reaction I am participating in as feeding the mind with energy, within this I  remind myself to always go back to the basics and bring it all back to self within humbleness as a self directed movement within self will to push myself more and more each day to expose more parts of myself that I have kept hidden, and within this I commit myself to notice the minor energetic reaction moving within me and when I experience it to simply stop and breathe, and keep on breathing as a directed movement, within realizing that the energy will pass and I will remain, thus I breathe, I let go the idea/opinion/backchat/desire to be right in my mind, and I breathe

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing  myself to be self honest with/as myself within a self willed movement to open up points of reaction as more clues to who I am and how I created myself as such, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and not push in every moment to self realize to be able to trust/respect/accept myself within the realization that I actually know who I am as the basic step stone to whatever comes next within this process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority when being "spoken down upon" within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret specific words/tonalities as demeaning and thus when I hear them I react like an organic robot and go into inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my own reaction within/as myself and to switch my inner experience to superiority through believing that I didn't react when in fact I did

I commit myself to through breathing and consistency within walking this process, to allow myself to see my reactions and take responsibility for them within self forgiveness, because I realize this will take time and I realize I must push/move myself to make it happen, it being seeing myself for how I really am as who I accepted and allowed myself to be, and then change/align myself to an effective being walking as support of all life within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within fear of conflict and disguise it as being superior for not reacting while all along accumulating the energetic reaction within/as myself up to a point where I lose control of the damn and it all comes flowing out in some way or another, thus bringing myself to a point where I do not know what I will do next, explosive with the energy I have accumulated, instead of taking responsibility for myself within and every little movement of energy and stop/clear myself within/as breath

I commit myself to checking myself on a daily basis, ad seeing if I had missed a point of reaction that I tried to manipulate myself within suppression, and within that I commit myself to take responsibility for each and every reaction within/as breath and self forgiveness to be sure that I will not explode uncontrollably by the accumulation of all the little reactions I deliberately/manipulatively ignored

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate reactions towards a person and then allow myself to explode and let out all the energy I have built up within myself not taking into consideration the total abdication of self responsibility within it all as I a, taking out on another the consequences of my own allowed/accepted behavior within allowing myself to be directed by the mind instead of being self directed within/as breath within self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my reaction within self manipulation that I am not in fact reacting in order to not bring myself to conflict with the being within not allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle such conflict and the outcome of this is that I end up creating a much bigger conflict instead of being self directed within/as self trust and dealing with any/all conflict as they come up within self honesty and communication with the other, as sharing the point of reaction within me in order to build a more stable foundation for our relationship/communication, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of conflict is creating bigger conflict in my life through the accumulation of resistance/fear of conflict within the energy building up and then having to blow up to release itself

I commit myself to pa attention and not allow myself to build up energy because 

I see the outflow of it and the destruction such behavior creates and I do not accept that any more, thus I commit myself to face every point of reaction/energy to be sure I am not accumulating it within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than according to how the other will speak to me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally what/how others speak and react within inferiority to what/how they say, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the other within their current expression within realizing that we are each walking our process, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the for not expressing themselves how I think they should, Instead of focusing on myself within the investigation of the trigger point as self definition that had created the reaction within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the self manipulation that I shouldn't react, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the justification that I am not reacting because I am stable when in fact I am not reacting because I fear facing the other in conflict because I don't yet trust myself to be able to handle face any situation, because I still allow myself to live in fear and self doubt which I simply showing me that I am still of the mind and have not yet allowed myself to be one with/as breath as I realize that only within the mind exist fear of the other, fear of conflict, fear of speaking up

I commit myself to keep on walking within building self honesty as self trust through writing, self forgiveness, and investigating all points, not leaving a point unturned, until I am able to trust myself and not to fear because I am here within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as self judgment, when I am reacting I allow myself to be it from perspective of not hiding/suppressing it, and within allowing myself to be one with the reaction I stop myself as it, as myself, I stop myself. I am here, I breathe.