Day 47 - Depression - Part 5 - Feeling Sad makes me a good and caring person

 

Extracted from my previous blog - Day 43 - Signs of Depression:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I see within this that I have been using bad/painful emotions as sadness/sorrow/guilt to indicate to me that I am a good person because, if abuse is going on and one doesn't feel bad about it, they must be a bad person, on the other hand, if abuse goes on and one does feel bad, it's because they are a good and caring person.

I realize within this that I have connected being good and caring to a feeling/emotion, as if what defines me as a good and caring person is how I feel about something and not who I am within it or what I do about it within the physical, within this I haven’t considered where these feelings/emotions comes from and what is hidden behind them.

I find it interesting to see how much power and value I have given feelings/emotions, and thus how easily I have allowed myself to be manipulated by it through giving value to the feeling/emotion instead of giving value to the physicality and to consider what is behind the feelings/emotions within looking/investigating the hidden mind, in other words, to consider that what one expresses as their feeling is in most cases done through suppressing/hiding/ignoring the actual starting point of self interest behind it all…

Within this point I see that I have created teams, kind of like in the movies, the good guys and the bad guys, and I have connected specific characters for each team. For instance, being sad and feeling guilty is always going to be on the good guys team, and the bad guys will look like they don't care, which means that they will not express themselves as sad/emotional…

lol… how everything is in reverse… the more I look at points within me I see how much self deception is behind all these "good characters"; so much hidden-manipulation within self interest and nothing else, nothing good about it… while the character I relate to the "bad guys" are direct, harshly honest, and do not play the "nice" game, thus in many ways they have one layer less of deception/manipulation to walk through, yet I consider them to be "bad" because they don't make the effort to make me feel "good" - this is so fucked up!!

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize everything is in reverse, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take everything that i know to be true for granted just because that is what i have been taught by my parents/environment, and thus have allowed myself to simply follow those that have walked before me, even though they have not proven to me that they know what the fuck they are doing, and have themselves just blindly walked in the path shown to them by their elders, within this i commit myself to stop myself from taking /or granted anything in my reality, and to investigate within as myself within/as self honesty every point as to be sure that i am actually applying myself as what is best for all life and not what is best for the characters i was taught to protect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sadness/depression/guilt to see myself as a good person that cares about what goes on in the world, and thus use the sadness/depression/guilt as a way to actually feel good about myself within participating and feeding the addiction to good/positive feelings

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself knowing that I care about the suffering of the world through the painful feeling of sadness/depression/guilt, and to after a moment of feeling the bad/painful feelings to go back to my life within ignoring all the abuse that is around me, but to remain with the good feeling that I am one of the good people because I care and sadness/guilt/depression is the proof of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect feeling sad/guilty to being a good person through accepting the construct I have learned from my environment/society, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate these feelings and to see/face the deception within them as hidden mind as manipulation for self interest

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a good person simply because I feel bad about atrocities, not realizing that what I am actually doing is excusing myself from taking actual physical action while accepting and allowing the abuse/atrocities to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on emotions/feelings than on the physical, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by the expression of emotions/feelings through believing they indicate someone to be good/bad, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical evidence due to a good/bad feeling i get from participating in believing I am a good person

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that a moment of sorrow, as long as it may be, cannot change anything in the grand picture of things, and thus creating a self belief that I am good for feeling bad is a complete disregard to all that is life as the real physical reality, instead I commit myself to be here in the physical within/as breath, and to act within common sense practicality in the physical reality and not in my mind as the illusion of being good, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good to satisfy myself within my environment/society, to play the social game as the good character instead of actually walking as breath as what is actually best for all life

Self Commitment

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into bad feelings in regards to atrocities and instead to focus on stopping myself as the mind within realizing the deception/manipulation/abuse I am allowing within my participation with the mind, to be able to walk clear of emotions/feelings/energy to be able to trust myself that I am in fact walking as what is best for all life and am not busy creating a good life experience/feeling for myself within self interest

I commit myself to through investigating myself as the mind within the energetic/emotional reaction I participate in, to delete the connection between feeling sad/guilty and being a good person, within realizing that that connection is a lie, I commit myself to investigate connections I have made that I have allowed direct me within my life as creating opinions about myself and others 

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving value to feelings/emotions because I have realized the deception nature of emotions/feeling thus I commit myself to stop participating within/as them

I commit myself to stop myself from lying to myself within believing my emotions/feelings indicate/define who I am, and instead to push myself to actually be/live as life beyond the emotions/feelings within realizing they are not real as life and are the cause/source for abuse/suffering in the physical reality in the world today