Thursday, October 11, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 - Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
Day 56 - Blame Character - Part 6 – Enslaving Myself
and another related blog: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted
Through out this point of looking at the Blame Character, I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a specific light so to speak, to be seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more value/attention/effort towards how people see me rather than actually living as the ideal that I want to be seen as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on an ideal that I have created in my mind, not realizing that this ideal I desire to be has been programmed into me as the society's value system, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the implications of participating/allowing such values to direct me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by society's value system as the desire to seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and I have not realized that within that I am defining those with these characters as more valuable/worthy than those without, and within that I am allowing myself and society as myself to be the judge all mighty, deciding who is worthy of the title of being a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person and who isn't, and thus to deem them as unworthy of social appreciation and thus support, in other words banning/excluding them from society, which in turn translates into the ability to survive
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that by allowing myself to judge myself and others based on society's value system that I have accepted as my own, I am giving permission to separation within forming a defining line between those that make it and those that don't, and within accepting such a line to exist as an outflow of society's value system, I have allowed myself to exist in fear of being on the "wrong side if the line" and to as a result not receive social appreciation and support, within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding the implication of such a line as separating between those with the "right" social skills and those without, as a life or death sentence, where those who do not hold these skills are pushed aside from society and are disregarded and ignored, and thus do not have an equal chance to have a fulfilled and dignified life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself without judgment and thus fear the judgment of others because I have made others the judge of me as they have the eyes to see if I am worthy to be accepted or not, and thus when I perceive my place in society is threatened through a remark/comment stating I am not aligned with society's values I react in anger and blame because I fear being disregarded and ignored as I have disregarded and ignored those that I have judged as unworthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard and ignore others that don't fit my value system that I have accepted from society, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the immense abuse and harm created by a value system that is based on judgment and separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of being seen as one of those that is judge as unworthy for social appreciation and within that to create myself as an act, to be sure that I follow the social value system and appear to be what I perceive society expects of me to be, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at people that see/judge me as anything other than how I desire to be seen, as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and to then react within fear of being an outcast of society for not standing in the standard society has created and I have accepted to be valid, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fear of being an outcast and instead transform and project it onto the other in a form of blame, as I blame them for seeing through the act that I put on, and thus as I am threatened by them for blowing my cover, I attack them with blame, while experiencing it as they have attacked me by defining me as that which is unacceptable by society, within that hiding from myself all the layer of who I am as fear/judgment/blame so that I can go on believing that I am a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person while all along I have manipulated myself and all those around within the situation by putting on this act just to be accepted by society, and not allowing me to live as myself within self expression as I fear revealing myself for who I really am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on society's acceptance within a belief that I must be accepted to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that experiencing myself as accepted, must start with self acceptance, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as who I am without judgment because I have already accepted the value system of society and within that have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through judgment as unworthy and thus must hide myself within acting as a character that society will approve, not realizing that this is all due to my acceptance of society's value system, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of society's value system and to actually get to know myself for who I actually am, without judgment, and within knowing myself to be able to take responsibility for who I am and change myself, not as society's value system, as it is based on polarity and creates separation and abuse, but on common sense within what is best for all through honoring myself as life, and respecting all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take on society's value system as my own value system, while not allowing myself to investigate all points and outflows of such a value system, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse within the separation that society create through it's value system, as well as the abuse I create within accepting the value system of society as my own, through defining people as better/worse depending on their expression and skills
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