Tuesday, October 23, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
Day 64 - Friendship - Part 6 - Quality time - Self Forgiveness
Day 65 - Friendship - Part 7 – Consumerism
Day 66 - Friendship - Part 8 - The Debt System
Day 67 - Friendship - Part 9 - The Debt System - Self Forgiveness
Day 68 - Friendship - Part 10 - Gossip
In my previous blog I wrote about gossip, where we hide from ourselves our inferiorities and insecurities through gossiping with friends about a third party, thus making ourselves feel superior in presenting the other as bad/stupid/ugly, so that within the competition that we accept as ourselves, as an inseparable part of life, we make ourselves the winners as much as we can, and will win at any cost, disregarding the abusive/destructive/unacceptable nature of our actions, such as gossip, as we lie to ourselves and to our friends, as we hide from ourselves the deepest inner experience of feeling worthless/inferior, which is why we accept this competition to begin with…
But, we don't stop there, do we? Our spitefulness is only partially open and upfront, the rest we keep in our hidden mind and make sure no one gets a peek.
I had many friends through out the years, and within them I've had many love/hate relationships, where I am friends with a person, and enjoy them at times, but at the same time I can't stand them. So I can spend time with them and everything will be cool, but then in one moment, something within me will trigger and I will flip, I become allergic to them. I will not admit this to them, I will not express that I am having an issue to try and solve it within proper communication, no, I will build up resentment towards them and become spiteful in my mind. And from this point I will judge and evaluate anything they say and do, to see if I approve of it or not, I will look for things in them to justify my resentment towards them, I will gossip about them and hope to find support in form of agreement, hope that what I say about them is accepted, so I can feel sane, and that I can go on with my spitefulness instead of taking a moment and looking at myself and seeing what it is that I am actually trying to show me within realizing that it is never actually about the other being, it is always about self, and that any reaction I have towards another is a gift that I am giving myself to open up a layer of self deception I have yet allowed myself to see and let go of. No, I don't do all that. I simply judge, spite, blame, gossip, and then still call myself a friend, and call our relationship a friendship.
I'm having difficulty opening up this point, I am struggling with it, I am afraid of actually, really seeing the true spiteful and evil nature I have allowed myself to exist as, I am ashamed of it, I don't want it to be true, I wish it wasn't - but it is. I know who I am, and I have so many memories reminding me of what I have accepted and allowed myself within relationships, like lending a dress to a friend and asking her to take it off when I got mad at her, or kicking a friend out of my house, gossiping about friends trying to get validation from another who is feeling the same as me and that would make me right and justified, wishing bad things will happen to friends because I am jealous and I can't stand them being happy/successful, lying to them to hide my true intentions/actions to get what I want from them, lying to them to get out of consequences of things I have done and I fear they will not approve, committing to do something and then backing out at the last minute for some self interest reason… and the list goes on and on and on…
I've been allowing myself to be nasty/evil because I thought I could get a way with it, I could manipulate my way out of it. But now it's coming to bite me in the ass, because I can't run a way from myself, I can't hide from myself as who I actually am and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think spiteful thoughts towards others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my own self interest and disregard anyone and anything along the way as long as I finish on top
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in spiteful thoughts towards people instead of stopping my thoughts within as breath as a directive decision
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by thoughts as nasty/spiteful back chat in the alternate reality I have created for me in my mind, and have not allowed myself to stop myself and bring myself back here to the physical reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anyone around me in order to justify myself within accepting my self limitations and within that have allowed myself to think/act within spitefulness towards anyone that threatens my attempt to experience myself as superior as to hide from myself and not have to face the actual inferiority/insecurity I have allowed myself to exist as within my deepest most inner self experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about people in my mind as back chat, to make them wrong/small/bad/stupid/ugly and a form of compensation for judging myself as all that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad/stupid/ugly/wrong/unworthy and instead of investigating why the hell I allow myself to judge myself instead of accepting myself as myself as life, I have allowed myself to trash those around me in my thoughts/words/deeds to exert onto them the crappy inner experience I have allowed myself to exist as, so that I can comfort myself with believing that I'm not the most rotten apple in the bunch, but that we are all equally fucked
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold those around me as responsible for my feelings of worthless/inferiority as I blame them for my experience justify it to myself through judging them and picking at them to deliberately find faults that I can use against them as to make myself feel better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think spiteful thoughts towards those that I define as my friends, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful towards my friends in my mind, as I interact with friends and something within me triggers, that I apparently have no control over, and I find myself thinking nasty thoughts towards them, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in nasty/spiteful thoughts towards my friends to ease the energetic experience that came over me that I have not allowed myself to investigate within self responsibility, and thus within not taking self responsibility for the energetic experience within me, I turn to blame and point fingers, and thus I find myself blaming those around me without even allowing myself to see/realize what I am doing, as this behavior has become my nature, as I have accepted it time and time again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful, while not realizing that judgment/shame is a self manipulation to separate me from myself as not allowing me to actually investigate the point in self honesty, because how can I unconditionally look at the point if I am taking it personally within self judgment/shame?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my past as who I have accepted myself to be instead of being grateful for seeing it now and thus giving myself the opportunity to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind self judgment as a way to get out of actually looking in the darkest corners of my being, instead of standing up and facing myself for the evil that I have allowed myself to be within realizing that only through facing myself within who I have accepted myself to become can I ever start walking myself towards change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my self image of being a good person and within that to fear shocking/disappointing everyone around me when they find out the true nature of me, as I find out the true evil nature of myself, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that we are all trapped in the same cage we have each created for ourselves and for each other, and through allowing myself to walk through this point of admitting to myself within self honesty who I really am, can I ever free myself from the chains I have accepted as a part of me and my life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look inside myself as who I really am, as what are my motivations to do the things I do, what are my justifications, so that I can forgive myself and walk myself into correction
I commit myself to further investigate this point because I realize I have not even scratched the surface of it, I commit myself to investigate the point of spitefulness and in general the point of myself as the evil nature of myself, so that I can once and for all stop myself because this shit is not acceptable
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself participate within spiteful thoughts as back chat
I commit myself to stop my thoughts and not allow myself to participate with them through bringing me back here to my physical body
I commit myself to stop myself from judging myself for what I find within self investigation as I have realized that judgment is a self manipulation construct keeping me from actually investigating, and thus keeping me form changing
Much much more to come
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