Monday, October 15, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Within friendship, who am I as the caring and supportive character
I like to think of myself as a good, caring and supportive friend, why? Because I want to feel good about myself and I want to maintain the friendship, Why? Why do I want friendships? What am I getting out of it?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of a caring and supportive friends, within that not actually caring and not actually giving support, but just acting the character as I have learnt from society as how a "good" friend should act
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a caring friend when I experience myself caring for my friends, within that not considering that I have limited myself within the definition of the friendship construct and thus have trapped myself in the character of being a caring friend without actually having the free choice to care because I have already a defined myself as a caring friend, and thus did not actually care but only play a role
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my friends to care for me and within the expectation to judge them according to the idea I have as what is the caring character, and thus if they do not match my expectation I use emotional manipulation on them to show them they have done me wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit and restrict my friends into a specific expression that I have created as an idea in my mind, and within that allowing them to limit and restrict me according to their idea of the caring character, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing such limitations and restriction to exist in the name of friendship because I fear being alone and believe I will be nothing without friends, thus I allow myself to play the game of being a caring friend in order to maintain the friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have been supporting my friends within the definition of what a supportive friend is, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support my friends in fact as who they are as life, but instead to have supported their character of the mind, within allowing them to maintain their character as to justify my own characters, and thus within our friendship instead of actually giving support to each other as life, we have been supporting each other's characters as the mind, as justifying and accepting all sorts of abusive shit to continue wither gossip, tantrum, emotional breakdown etc.… within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually support my friends as life within fear of conflict, because I know that the agreement we have as friends, that has been lived out throughout our friendship, as an agreement between characters, and thus to actually give living support would mean to stop supporting the character and instead exposing the deceptions as to allow the friend to face themselves within self honesty, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less than who my friends really are, as allowing them to maintain their characters, in the starting point of self interest as to not risk losing them as I have accepted myself as dependent on them as being my friends, and thus within fear of losing them I compromise themselves as life and not actually support them but maintain everything as we have always been, not allowing myself to change, and not allowing them to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good friends, but I haven’t allowed myself to see the reality of self interest hiding behind the act of the good friends character, as the fear of being alone within a self belief that I must have my friends to be/feel strong and accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself within the self acceptance of self diminishment as I have allowed myself to exist within a friendship construct that compromise myself and them, just for the sake of staying together as friends, not realizing the abuse I have been allowing within this, as depriving myself and them the opportunity to self realize within self honesty
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play out the character of being a caring and supportive friend instead of giving myself and them as myself the opportunity to change through actually supporting myself and them as myself within not accepting and allowing either of us to be anything less than who we actually are as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with the friendship and the expression of care and support as we have agreed on years ago, and not allowed myself to actually care for them as life and actually support them as an actual friend, within this I realize that the construct of friend isn't really about care and support but in fact is about supporting each other as the character as the personality we have accepted as ourselves, and within that have agreed to use the friendship as a form of justification as a form of extra strength to stand within our character with someone by our side justifying to us everything that we are and have accepted as ourselves, instead of acting within actual compassion to who we are as life and supporting each other to stop this game of characters only designed to create friction and conflict within our worlds, only to generate more and more energy to deplete the physical to allow the mind to survive another day at the expense of ourselves as life as the physical
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care for my friends because I know them but not care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole because I am safe within my friendships and know I will be taken care of, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word care and not actually live it as the living word, as caring as the living word would be actually caring for life as all life as one and equal, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend I care as a social accepted construct, instead of actually facing myself as the self interest that I have allowed myself to exist as, within only caring about myself as my personalities and characters that I do not want to lose as I have defined them as myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a bond with some friends that we agree to care about each other in order to not trouble ourselves with the rest of the world because we are taken care of, we are not forsaken and alone, we have our friends, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word friend, and believe it to be a nice/good/kind word, not realizing that it is due to the construct of friendships and the support/security we believe we get from it, is the reason why we don't care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the actual evil that exist within/as the construct of friendship within the caring/supportive character, because I have not allowed myself to see that within the friendship construct lay the allowance of all the atrocities to continue in the world because they are not my friends and thus I don't need to care for them, let me just care for my friends and that all I can do, no, this is unacceptable, all are equal here on earth and equally deserve and are worthy of care and support and thus by giving such care and support only to the few that I have allowed as my friends is giving permission for the rest of them to not get the care and support they require to live a dignified and fulfilled life
Within this I commit myself to stop myself as the caring and supportive character, and to within breathing and applying self forgiveness, within stopping myself as separation of the mind, to learn a=how to actually care and how to actually support within not allowing anything less than who I am as life, and who my friends are as life and who anyone is as life, I realize we are all equal and one, and thus I commit myself to through walking a process of opening up all point of deception within myself, point where I participate deliberately within separation, to stop myself as such, and to start caring for all as one, and support all as life, and stop supporting myself and my "friends" as the characters we have allowed ourselves to be and become and to justify our characters through our acceptance and allowance within the circle of friends, but instead to start a new agreement, one that supports life
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1 comments:
"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care for my friends because I know them but not care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole because I am safe within my friendships and know I will be taken care of" -- Cool Maya
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