Tuesday, October 16, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
The idea/ideal of friendship, that I have accepted, has to do with a bond, like two people tied together, thus limiting each other, not allowing complete self expression as within any bond/tie
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowing myself to limit my friends through using emotional manipulation and ultimatums, as a way to get from them what I want or avoid what I don't want within our friendship, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the bond we have created as our friendship and to hold them responsible for it within manipulating them not believing that if they did something that I do not accept they are in fact braking the bond between us, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use, within self interest, the fear we all share of losing our friends, and thus within self interest of getting what I want or having the situation the way I want it, to manipulate my friend into a point of fear of losing me and within that to blame them for being responsible for it if they did that which I don't want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within friendship within a fear of losing the friendship if I do/express something that isn't accepted within the friendship, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as self expression but instead to limit myself within an act I believe would be accepted and approved by my friends in order to maintain my friendship due to fear of being alone/rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the effort to maintain the friendship at any cost, I would not allow myself to express myself as who I really am, but instead I would try and act in certain ways, to say the right things, to be funny and entertaining, to seams caring and supportive etc.… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a lie within myself where as on the one hand I believe my friendships to be real and authentic, and on the other hand I fear being authentic in every moment because I fear it might hurt the friendship through not passing the judging eye of my friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself within actual self expression within my friendship and within that to actually expect my friends to reject me if I were to express myself truly within self honest self expression in every moment, and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of being rejected, and the expectation of being rejected by my friends, is a projection of myself as not accepting myself and judging myself and not allowing myself to express myself within self honesty because I don't accept myself as worthy to be accepted as who I am, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my friends are limiting me within their judgment while all along I have been the one limiting myself, using the structure of my friendship to enslave myself within believing I am doing it for their acceptance of me while actually I have been doing it to suit my own idea of how I will be accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limiting myself because of the judgment of my friends, and I haven’t allowed myself to see that I am the one who I existing within/as judgment and projecting it on to them, and thus am the one responsible for the participation/existence of judgment within our friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my friends are judging me not realizing I am projecting onto them my own self judgment within not accepting myself as who I am due to past experiences/memories that I have allowed myself to accept as the definition of me as inferior to myself as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame them for my own accepted limitation that I have created myself as but blame them as a self manipulation to hide from myself my own self responsibility, and within blaming them due to not allowing myself to see my responsibility of my self-limitation within self honesty, to within spitefulness allow myself to limit them within the justification of "do on to them what they have done on to me" while I was the one doing it on to myself, and then on to them. Thus, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what I have done within/as my friendships, as I have transformed the construct of friendship from the caring/supportive ideal I have created about it in my mind as an idea, to a nasty/spiteful/judgmental power game of who sais the final word within the rules and regulations of the friendship, doing whatever I can that the final word will be mine, and that it is me that calls the shots, so that I can feel powerful and in control, while not realizing that it is all an outflow of my own self rejection/diminishment, and thus the loop of polarity exposes it's head again, as I hide from myself my hidden weakness that I actually believe myself to be, and instead, disguise it as power, within having the power to do onto another that which I do onto myself within my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment and within that to require friends to validate me to myself and through their acceptance give myself a sense of self value, instead of allowing myself to value myself for who I am as life, within realizing that I am life in fact, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, but instead to believe myself to be less than life, and less than the idea I have within my mind as who I should be or should have been, and within this self diminishment to try and hide it from myself through distracting myself with many friends, and surrounding myself with many friends, not realizing that they as well are requiring my validation to hide from themselves their lack of self acceptance, and they too require validation to find within themselves a sense of self value and worthiness, and thus instead of supporting myself as life as realizing this point, and instead of supporting them as life within realizing this point, we assist each other in hiding from ourselves through direction ourselves with our friendship and so-called acceptance while all along playing this game of acceptance to hide the truth of ourselves from ourselves
I commit myself to investigate further the point of self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, because I now see how much it is influencing/directing me within my life and interactions with others, within that I realize the abuse I have been allowing towards myself and others where the source of the abuse being my self diminishment/judgment/acceptance, thus, I commit myself to investigate this point until I am clear within myself, until I am standing within self acceptance, until I have stopped all self judgment, I commit myself to do this within a daily process, as I walk each point, step by step, opening it up, facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed as myself, and within this I commit myself to change, to stop myself from participating and accepting myself than anything less than who I am as life, I commit myself to myself as life
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself participating in limitation towards myself or others, through emotional manipulation or the belief of dependency, I realize that it doesn't make any sense to do anything if it isn't me as self expression as self as life doing it, within this I realize that I have never really lived because I have never allowed myself to express myself as who I am within self acceptance. I commit myself to find myself within all the hiding and self deception, and to stand within/as myself, and to rebirth myself as life, trough a process of writing myself as I have realized this is the tool to see/face myself, and within self forgiveness as I have realized that only through forgiving myself can I let go of who I have allowed myself to be and exist as and to change myself into a being that supports self as life and all life as equal and one, as what is best for all
I commit myself to stop myself from participating in friendships/relationships that support the mind as the characters we have defined and accepted ourselves as, I commit myself to stand in the face of conflict without fear through the support of breath, and not accepting anything less than who I am and who my friend is, as life.
I commit myself to allow myself to change, to let go the old/familiar persona I know as myself and to rediscover myself from a fresh starting point that isn't directed by fear/limitation/diminishment, but is directed by self within breath, as life.
I know this will take time, it took me years to create myself as who I am, and it will take me years to face all the points, and forgive myself for all the abusive shit I have participated in, but I realize I cannot go on like this, I cannot accumulate more point of guilt, shame and regret, I realize tat every breath that I participate within/as the mind is another breath that I am not here, thus disregarding the one thing that is truly valuable, myself, the physical, breath
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