Thursday, October 18, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
Day 61 - Friendship - Part 3 - Care and Support - Self Forgiveness
Day 62 - Friendship - Part 4 – Limitation
Day 63 - Friendship - Part 5 – Quality Time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself within friendship within not wanting to entertain myself alone, within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist doing things alone and thus to avoid doing things alone I would invite a friend to join me for the activity, while disguising it as an act of friendship while all along done within self interest as wanting to do something but not wanting to do it alone
I commit myself to being clear within myself as to why I want to spend time with people/friends, and within that to make sure I am self honest with myself within not deluding myself that I want to spend time with the other being while in fact I have other hidden agendas and am just using them to keep me company as I do not wish to do it alone, within this, I commit myself to stop myself from participating with such deception towards self and towards others and to be clear and direct towards myself and the other as to what I actually want, I commit myself to stop myself form participating within/as manipulation through expressing that I want something but actually using the other to get a hidden agenda, within this I commit myself to stop using and abusing the structure/platform of friendship for my own self interest and allow myself to see the other as equal to me, and thus to give as I would like to receive, and do onto the other as I would like to be done on to me, and thus I commit myself to practice and apply being direct and straight forward and not manipulate within self interest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend time with people as I see as my friends, in order to do something, anything, as long as it will distract me from myself as who I am, and allow me to zone out into the bubble of friendship/entertainment as we spend time together, not actually communicating or supporting each other but just spending time, really wasting our time away, within a belief that we are doing something valuable as spending time with a friend, within the social construct that spending time with friends/loved one is valuable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from myself through entertaining myself within friends, and within that using and abusing our friendship as a form of self dishonesty, using my friends to distract myself from myself and by that making them accomplices to the crime, so to speak, while presenting it as an innocent activity as spending "quality time" together, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my friends with me down the path of self dishonesty as distracting self from self within entertainment/activities, instead of standing as self integrity and supporting myself and them as myself within building self honesty and self respect through investigating self intimacy within oneself and one's relationship with another
I commit myself, when I see myself wanting to distract myself with friends and entertainment, to stop myself and breathe, to look within self honesty at the point I am running away from, and to write it out through process of self forgiveness, to allow myself to free myself form the point at hand that I am resisting and through releasing the point to be able to actually spend time with people/friends for that reason, and not to use them as hiding from myself
I commit myself to establish effective relationships with people/friends and within that to establish effective and supportive communication, through firstly opening myself up within writing for/as myself, and then to share points of relevance with them, to be a standing/living example of walking a process of self honesty, so that they too have the opportunity to walk, and we have a chance to actually support each other into an effective/supportive relationship/friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my friends as myself through only allowing us to communicate through the wall of external activity, as creating a safe zone to protect myself from the possibility of exposure, due to fear of within being exposed to be judged/rejected/ridiculed, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself due to not ever allowing myself to actually be myself and thus to know myself, and within that to fear what I might express/expose myself in an unexpected way, that isn't accepted by myself/my friend/society, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself safe within not exposing my true nature while not allowing myself to realize that I am protecting myself as personality/character/mind while not allowing myself to express myself and expand as life
I commit myself to apply the tool of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statement, to allow myself to face myself and finally see who the hell I really am, to through knowing myself within self forgiveness to stop fearing myself as the unknown and thus to allow myself to through knowing myself to direct myself to change to that which is best for all and stop all that I exist as now which results in shame and fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as close friends and some not, within that to allow myself to expose/express myself only to those people that I trust as being "close" friends, within this I forgive myself for not accepting ad allowing myself to realize that by separating groups of friends into categories I am in fact manipulating myself to through feeling comfortable with some people to allow myself to open up to them, but not seeing the self deception within opening up only when it is convenient, within that not allowing myself to see that I am not actually exposing/expressing myself but am allowed to express my prominent character as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be different with each person, as evaluating who the person is and what they will accept and to adjust myself accordingly, thus allowing myself to exist as a split personality, within this I commit myself to stabilize myself and to remain stable here as/within breath with each person/people I interact with, thus allowing myself to actually express myself as who I actually am and not change myself according to who is around me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a different me according to who I am with and not allowing myself to see the self abuse and self compromise within this, as I have given more value to being accepted by others rather than actually accepting myself
I commit myself to changing myself within all relationships to become an effective human being, to support myself and the other within self honesty, to not accept myself and anyone else as myself, as anything less than who we are as life, and thus, I commit myself to stop all my current friendship as I know them to be, and I commit myself to build new communication with my friends, communication that is based on self honesty, intimacy, and the willingness to face ourselves through the assistance and support of the other, I commit myself to use the platform of friendship for the betterment of all as equal within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, through starting with changing myself first within/as myself and communication as myself, so that I can prove to myself that change is possible and relationships can change and be effective and supportive, and within that to stand as a living example.
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