Saturday, November 10, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Within the character of "I don't like being corrected / told what to do, within investigating the fear dimensions, I am faced with the fear of others thinking they are more than me, within this I see myself going into their minds trying to interpret what they think of me, and specifically within being corrected, I fear the idea of others thinking within themselves that they are better/more/superior than me.
The experience isn't about me believing I am less than them, although I realize that it is the core/source of the issue, but the point here is me reacting to the thought / interpretation of others thinking they are more / better than me - when I perceive other are thinking they are more than me I react in anger/aggravation, I judge them for thinking it, "how dare they", "they are such arrogant, over confident, snobs" "who do they think they are, they think they are better than me? fuck them".
All this going on in self created alternate reality of my mind, the trigger could be being corrected or being told what to do, but obviously other situations may trigger this character as well. within accepting and participating within this construct, of fear of being seen as less than others, i have been allowing myself to react in complete separation – separation from myself, the other and the situation as the physical reality, as I go into my mind, and ignore what is actually here, ignore the simplistically of allowing myself to be here as breath, equal and one, and move within/as myself as the physical body, within this physical reality and to communicate directly and not communicate as inner conversations with my own ego as the mind within/as my mind.
So, this is actually very similar to the fear of being judged, but with an added dimension of comparison, as I fear them coming to the conclusion that they are more than me, that they are superior than me, and treat me accordingly.
Here, again I see the connection between how I treat others when I perceive them to be less than me as the source of my fear, because how I treat others within my mind and actions, is how I expect to be treated and thus the source of the fear, showing me how i am acting/behaving towards others – thus, to find out what it is that I fear about being looked down upon I must investigate who I am within looking down upon others.
Another point to consider is that, here again, I see that I place my self value in the hands of others, as allowing myself to value myself through what I perceive others define and see in me.
So, two main points to further investigate and become clear on - who I am within comparison when I perceive myself as the superior and thus look down on the other, how do I treat them, and so on, and the other point would be related to self acceptance and the need for validation/approval of others.
the point of self acceptance keeps coming up like as the background of all of myself, and within it the desire for validation/approval/acceptance from others, the other point is a point of equality, within the principle of give as you would like to receive and do onto another as you would like to be done onto you, but here I am allowing myself to participate in abuse and thus fear being abuse within finding myself at the other side of the coin within the polarity I have accepted as superiority/inferiority – I see here that the principle of equality is here either way, when i abuse i will then equally experience/fear the abuse, and thus when I support I can walk in self trust of supporting myself as I support others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fears as the fear of being judged as less than / inferior, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself according to how others see me and thus have not allowed myself to value myself unconditionally as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as less than me and act towards them in disregard/spitefulness/abuse, within this I realize that the fear I have towards others seeing me as less than them stems from my own abusive behavior I have participated within towards others and thus fear of receiving the other side of the coin, thus I commit myself to stop myself when I see myself going into judgment and compression towards others as seeing them as less than me, within realizing that as long as I participate in this construct I am allowing it to exist in all realms of existence including it coming back to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on my fears as putting on an act to try and become something/someone else than who I am in order to make an impression on others so they will think I am worthy, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and present myself in ways that I will get the desired response from the environment and thus when I don't get the feed back I desire I react within anger/aggravation as I am faced with myself as the acceptance of self separation revealing itself to me as inner conflict as I see that I have allowed myself to present myself in one way in order to get a positive feedback and when I get a negative feedback my act is exposed because it allows me to see that it was all an act
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped in my mind to such an extent that I am actually thinking about what other people are thinking, thus validating their thoughts as well as my own as true and trust worthy, thus living not only in the alternate reality of my own mind but actually living in another alternate reality within the alternate reality in my mind, thus stepping that much further from reality as I give value and interpretation to what I believe others are thinking of me, instead of giving value to myself as life and to what is actually here within/as the physical
I commit myself to, when and as I am being corrected /told what to do, support myself within breath and do not allow myself to react, I commit myself to stop myself form going into my mind as thoughts/beliefs of what others might be thinking of me, and instead I commit myself to investigate the point I am actually showing myself within it, as the point of looking for external validation instead of living as self that needs no validation by the mere fact that I am here
When and as I interpret someone is thinking they are more than me I stop, I bring myself back here, I realize whatever goes on in ones mind is their own process to walk through and my responsibility is to stop myself as my mind/thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the fear of being judge as wrong/stupid/inadequate, to add onto that the dimension of comparison, and within that to assume that the one that is correcting me is not only judging me but is comparing themselves to me and judging me as less than, not realizing that this is all going on in my own mind as my own creation, and thus I am the one comparing and judging myself, regardless of what the other may or may not be doing within their mind, which is in fact irrelevant, because as long as I am in my mind as thoughts / comparison / judgments I am not here as breath within the actual physical reality, thus I mist first bring myself back here as stopping my own mind / thoughts / comparison / judgments towards myself and towards others, and only then will I be able to even see and then give support to another within their mind, thus I commit myself to focus on myself from perspective of taking responsibility for myself as my own participation within/as the mind, and to stop myself form accepting myself within the separation of the mind and to bring myself here to myself
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