Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness

This is a continuation from my previous blog:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness

Assertive - Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.

Being assertive is a point that has been an issue for me for a very long time, I’ve never felt comfortable within the expression of assertiveness - there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness, and I would either cross the line and express myself as aggressive, or would go to the other side of expressing myself as a joker, not taking myself seriously by giggling, making it seam unimportant. So, instead of being clear, direct and assertive, I would be aggressive, attacking and demanding, or i would be funny, unserious and joking - both from a starting point of fear, a fear of not being heard, fear of not being taken seriously, both within a starting point of not trusting myself within/as a clear and direct expression, not trusting myself that expressing myself within stability, simply being here as self expression, would be enough, so the aggression would be like a threat - "you better listen to me", and the joking would be a giving up as self disregard - "I'm just kidding, you don't have to take me seriously".

There is a specific point within my resistance to being assertive and that is to receive an "inappropriate" or a not supportive response from others, from a perspective of not being taken seriously. When I think of standing and speaking assertively, I see myself saying something and actually meaning it being serious about it, but because everybody knows me as a joker/silly it is disregarded and not taken seriously, as i am left standing there, shameful for being ignored, insulted for not being heard.

As I am writing this, I see that this thoughts/projection actually comes from a specific memory - I was in a course in the army with a group of girls for three weeks, on a daily basis. most of the time I was joking around and being silly, laughing and making others laugh as well, not being too serious, and basically just enjoying myself and having fun. At one point there was a discussion in the class and I shared my perspective, and I was very serious about what i had said – but, instead of taking what I had said seriously, as a valid contribution to the conversation, some of the girls laughed as a response to what I had said, as if anything i would say is a joke and not to be taken seriously - I was very insulted and angry at them for treating me like that, for not listening to me, for disregarding what i had to say without hearing me out - I later brought it up in front of the group, they said that since I'm always joking they were sure I was kidding about this as well...

I felt like I have cheated myself, I have been presenting myself in a funny, silly way, and have robbed myself the option of being serious because I have created an idea in their minds and now, instead of listening to what I am saying , they can only see me through the silly idea they have of me.

I took the situation very personally, I felt like I was transparent, not seen, if they only saw me as a joker, which was only an external layer, then they didn't really see me at all, thus I resented them, and blamed them for not seeing me when in fact, I have allowed myself to consistently present myself as "the joker" character, and thus have not allowed myself to express myself as here, within breath, within self honesty - so they could see only that which I showed them, and since I was hiding behind the "joker" character - how could they have seen me?

I realize that being a joker as a character is a form of coping mechanism, thus instead of allowing myself to be here, and express myself as who/what I really am, instead of allowing myself to be clear and direct about what I am saying, I have suppressed any expression of myself, and allowed the joker to take over other characters to protect me from being hurt again, and thus have created myself, very convincingly, as the joker, thus, I am the one responsible for them thinking I was joking, and not taking me seriously.

This memory made me take a step back from ever trying to speak assertively/seriously because I have created a belief that I won’t ever be taken seriously - then what's the point? through this I have always created myself as the joker, to avoid having to relive the experience/situation of saying something ‘for real’ and being disregarded, and thus I have been living my life as the joker, not allowing myself to expose myself as who i am, as what i actually mean to say, as my actual clear and direct point of view - due to fear of being disregarded. Over the years I have forgotten it was a choice and have allowed it to become a self belief a self definition, believing that I am in fact incapable of being serious, assertive, clear and direct and thus continue expressing myself as the joker, proving to myself that all I am is the joker, justifying to myself why I'm not allowing myself to take myself seriously instead of stopping myself, clearing my starting point, clearing the memory and allowing myself to be every expression as life, not limited within fear of facing other's reactions ever again.

In order to justify to myself why I won't allow myself to express myself as assertive or serious I have created a relationship of polarity within myself towards such expressions, connecting them to aggressive and evil expressions, and thus, since I see myself as a good, nice person, as the main character I have created myself as, I can't be associated with aggressive and evil expressions, thus I cannot be serious or assertive because that would contradict my inner self definition.

So basically, instead of allowing myself to be assertive, here, within self expression, expressing myself as who I am within stability and clarity, I would go to either side of the extreme polarity, of either becoming aggressive, or becoming the joker. thus, when I try to imagine myself being assertive, there is a double reaction within myself, there is a fear, a fear from the aggressive aspect I have attached to it, a fear of exposing the beast within me, and the other reaction is an inner laughter, I laugh within myself, at myself, for putting on such a bad act, since within myself I believe that I am not that, not serious, not assertive, thus it's an act, and I can see right through it.

I find that when I do express myself in assertiveness I will either end up with a giggle or a joke, to "ease the seriousness", or I will end up crying as I have built up energy as aggression to have the courage to speak up, and it would be a release of all the built up energy, or I would simply be aggressive, not allowing the other to have a word, not leaving any one else any room to express themselves.

I see it like sitting on either side of the seesaw, going up and down from the joker to being aggressive and back again, instead of finding the center, the point of equilibrium, where I am stable and clear and direct, and speak/express myself from that point of stability - the center of the seesaw is where assertiveness exists, and I have been avoiding that place of stability due to fear, due to not trusting myself that I, as who I am within self honesty will every be enough.

Obviously, it would be best for all if I were to learn to express myself within assertiveness, and not allow myself to participate in any expression that is derived from fear, and as I’ve clearly seen, both the joker and the aggressive expressions, are derived from fear and thus are unacceptable.

So, I commit myself here, to myself, to start a process of becoming assertive as myself, as who I am, stopping the separation I have created towards assertiveness, investigate all points further, to bring myself to a point of self expression, as who I am , expressing myself as a clear, direct and stable stand
I commit myself to support myself within and as breath, to make it my nature to breathe before I speak, to be clear within myself, to let go the fear of the reactions of others, and to speak clearly and directly

I commit myself to slow myself down, to breathe, to correct myself and forgive myself in the moment, if I see myself going to the joker, or aggressive characters, and bring myself back here, within/as breath to a clear, direct and assertiveness with my expression
I commit myself to dedicate the next 21 days to focus on my expression, I will write about points that come up during my day, and clear myself within the next 21 day, showing myself what I have created within and as myself, where/why/when have I compromised myself as self expression, as a direct clear expression of who I am, to be able to stop such self compromise and start living, breathing, expressing, here

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