Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 109 - Assertiveness and the desire to be right

This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
Day 108 - limitation within self definition
I've started investigating the point of assertiveness and my application within it, today I had an opportunity to see myself in action - and thus here I am, to correct myself through writing, to open up the point, and be more clear and direct the next time such a situation occurs

We've decided to plant some lavender, and within deciding where and how close together to plant them, there was a disagreement between us, I wanted them further apart, and the other being wanted them closer together - I don't have much experience with planting, and specifically I have never planted lavender, but my opinion was strong - I wanted the plants to have sufficient space to grow and not crowd each other, the other being took that into consideration as well, but wanted also to create a hedge of lavender and that would require them to be slightly closer together.

Since I had been writing about assertiveness I knew that I have an issue with standing and stating my perspective clearly and assertively, so I saw the point within me come up where I wanted to go to the "you know what, do it however you want, I don't really care, it's all cool", but I saw it was a point of giving up and not standing so, instead of breathing, looking at all the points, asking the being what is their consideration to see if I understand the totality of the point, instead of all that I went into the polarity of insisting that I know what I'm talking about, that I make sense, and all within the energy reaction of the desire to be right.

I didn't see this initially, because I was caught up with trying not to fall into the other side of the polarity of giving up, but gratfuly the point was shown to me by the other being as they pointed out that I'm in the desire to be right energy - this happened 2 minutes before I had to leave so that statement was "my cue" to leave, and as I left I was totally mind posseseed, I felt beaten, I felt like I lost, and within my mind the back chat of "no, she is the one that insisted, I am the one that was right, I made so much sense in what I said…"

I had some time to digest the situation, within breathing and stopping the back chat from possessing me, and of course, within self honesty I could see what I had done, I went to the other polarity, from the attempt not to be submissive I went to the aggression and insisting within the desire to being right.

After I had seen the point for myself I went into self judgment - "how could I fall in this point after writing about it just the other day", luckily, the other being came around and brought up the point in discussion, it gave me an opportunity to speak it out and hear their perspective as well, which was supporting in helping me to see what I haven't considered, and to stop the judgment that I was holding towards them as back chat, still trying to prove myself right

So, firstly I just want to point out the recognition and gratefulness of how communication can be the key of self change, if we would allow ourselves to support each other, and stand as mirrors to each other, without judgment, and if we we would allow ourselves to be open to hear/see in humbleness the points being shown to us - we would accelerate our process as we move towards a self honest self directed stand of self as life - so this is one cool point I see within this event, the value of supportive communication, and it just goes to show that we can't do this alone, we could benefit so much from each other if we would turn our application to supporting each other within clear and self honest communication, and not isolate ourselves and each other through communicate within spitefulness or competition.

The other point I am grateful for seeing through this event is that I hadn't stopped - in all my blogs you will see that I write the self commitment statements and the all state so very clearly that within any reaction, before you do anything, you firstly would support yourself by STOPPING AND BREATHING, so, here I was, reacting within the desire to be right, desire to be agreed with, and I didn't stop nor did I breathe, I was consumed with the energy and thus not considering myself within awareness but being blindly directed by the energy of desire.

Within our supportive communication I shared with the being all that I saw within myself and that I have been writing about it but haven't really found a solution as a practical application to what to do in such an event, then I said that all I can see is to stop and breathe - as I said it I realized how I haven’t applied this most basic application of support, I have been still remaining in the realm of wanting to be right, wanting to find a way to stop the energy without giving up the desire to be right, expecting that rush of energy when I am told "yes, you have convinced us, we'll do as you say"… I expressed that I don't know how to act/be without the energy, what do I do after I stop? How do I continue from there? Within our conversation it became so clear that really the one thing that has to be done is to STOP AND BREATHE, and only after I have stopped myself within breath will I come back to the conversation, and allow myself to be humble, when the being said the word humbleness it all fell in place -
I haven't been stopping/breathing - I have been holding on to my pride within the desire to be right, instead of allowing myself the freedom of humbleness, as an expression of life and not one of knowledge, not desiring to be right, not participating in a power struggle, simply being here, as one within and as myself as one with the other being, looking practically and softly at the situation, and within it expressing myself in breath, no energy, just me, here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself through and within the energy of the mind as the desire to be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "correct" one side of the polarity as being submissive, to the other side of the polarity as being aggressive/demanding within the desire to be right, thus not allowing myself to see that I am doing exactly the same, only on the other side of the same coin instead of stopping the participation with both sides of the polarity and allowing myself to exist and express myself within the stability of the equilibrium that is here

I commit myself to actually STOP myself and BREATHE, to stop my participation within the conversation/interaction if/when I see myself go into an energetic reaction, as the desire to be right, I commit myself to remove myself from participating in any conversation from within energy, because I realize it isn't in fact me participating as self expression, but as the mind as energy and thus creating and feeding off conflict and friction, thus creating consequences for myself and for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think as back chat "hut I can't just stop a conversation in the middle, how can I do that, it will be weird" - yes, I realize it will be an adjustment, and there will be resistance at first, thus I commit myself to push through the resistance within the fear of being judged for changing myself, for stopping the conversation - I also realize I owe this to myself, I must commit myself to stopping the mind, to stopping my participation with energy, and thus, I realize that any change requires an active and consistent push, and I commit myself to push through this, I've seen what my participation within/as the mind as energy leads to - self compromise, abuse of myself and others, conflict and friction in my relationship with others as well as with myself - thus this must stop - I must stop this

When and as I see myself going into an energetic reaction within communicating with another being, I stop myself and breathe, I express that I am reacting, and thus cannot continue the conversation at the moment, I need to clear myself in order to continue. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a pioneer, within fear of setting an example, because I realize that some people will react, but I also realize that I can't continue living my life through the constant consideration of what others will think of me, I must decide for/as myself who I want to be and them walk the chosen path as myself, living as an example for those who are willing to see, and those who are not willing - am I going to compromise myself as the living change to suit those that are not willing to see the common sense, that are insisting on remaining enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness - as I'm writing this I realize their roll in my life as they are always my mirror, thus I realize hat as long as I fear their reaction, I am actually fearing/judging myself as I fear/judge them - my relationship to them is showing me my relationship to self - showing me that I am not willing to see common sense because I am holding on to my self interest, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved to the mind/money/consciousness because I fear letting go of he safe zone I have been living within as self definition and familiar characters/environment

I realize the choice has always been mine - I chose to stop and change - so here I tackle another small single point, and commit myself to end it through stopping my participation within it - and I know what to do instead, instead of participating in the desire to be right as it comes up in a disagreement I stop, I breathe, I can express myself as why I am stopping, or not, depending the situation - but the main thing is that I do not allow myself to continue within the energy - I clear myself and only then speak.

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