Saturday, December 29, 2012

Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance

This is a continuation from yesterday’s blog: Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on my appearance and within that to define myself according to how I look, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic experiences as feeling and emotions due to the self judgment of how I look whether good or bad, thus allowing my experience to be directed by how I perceive my appearance to be in each moment, whether satisfactory according to some ideal I created, or non satisfactory


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my appearance define me and thus I allow myself to judge myself as my appearance to evaluate who I am as the self definition of me, within this diminishing myself as life and comparing myself to a one dimensional lifeless image as a picture in my mind as a list of characteristics, as a caricature that I wish to resemble


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in regards to appearance where I judge them as more or less than me and accordingly feel good or back about myself due to have defining myself in comparison to them, within this defining both them and myself according to appearance and thus creating for myself a one dimensional representation of reality as images as lifeless caricatures, instead of realizing that all are life and as life we exist as multidimensional beings, and thus allowing myself to interact with real live beings and not exist as a one dimensional cartoon figure I have created in my mind and has not real life value


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more conscious about my appearance when I am around people that I judge as better looking than me, within this I allow myself to go into an experience of wanting to hide myself as to not show the imperfections within the concern that others will see me and compare me, as I do, to those better looking than me and will see / judge me as less than, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear their rejection within the belief / idea that they will prefer the other being due to them being better looking, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect appearance to acceptance and thus fear not being accepted / loved / appreciated when in my environment there are better looking people, once again, not realizing that as I fear not being accepted due to appearance I am showing myself back to myself- that in fact I have been judging people according to their appearance and accepting or rejecting them based on my visual attraction to them, I realize within this that as long as I judge others for their appearance I will exist in fear of being judged for mine, thus I realize I must be the point of change and to stop the judgment both towards myself and towards others within the realization that we are not defined by our appearance, and within stopping the judgment stopping the fear of being judged by others


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compensate my insecurities about my appearance through neglecting my self as my physical body and making it seem to myself and others that I don't care about appearances, thus creating a character within and as myself as someone who doesn't care about looking nice, when in fact I have been judging myself for my appearance because I do care, because I have given value to appearance, and thus I have allowed myself to exist as a lie within fear, within the belief that if I appear to not care about appearances no one will judge me but rather respect me for not caring, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others within allowing myself to exist and present myself as a character as someone that doesn't care, when in fact I do, instead of stopping the source of the lie which is the belief that appearance actually defines who I am, and within that belief justify the self judgment for not appearing as the ideal appearance, not realizing that this entire construct of self judgment is only existing through and within my participation acceptance and allowance - thus I realize it is up to me to stop - thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, comparisons due to appearance, I stop myself immediately within breath, and I breathe and don't allow the thoughts to take me over, I remain here and do not participate with the temptation as the habit to go into and participate with giving value to appearance, I stop and breathe until the temptation is over and I am here.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent / spite beings that I have judged as better looking than me within blaming them as who they are as good looking for making me feel bad about myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being good looking instead of taking self responsibility for and as myself within realizing that they are not making me feel anything, it is all self created as I have allowed myself to define myself according to appearance and thus allow myself to feel inferior / not good enough when in my environment there are beings that I have compared myself to and have defined them as better than me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my appearance, within a belief that I should look in a specific way to be accepted, and thus have not allowed myself to accept myself until I look in alignment to my belief as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question how and why I have defined the ideal beauty as I did, and within investigating the point realizing that it was never actually my choice as what I believe to be pretty as a personal preference, but it has always been an accepted beauty ideal that I have came to accept through repeated and consistent interaction with the media and society, thus "eating up" the beauty model" I have being fed, allowing myself to be programed by mass media to belief some body shape / form are more valuable than others, some hair color / eye color / nose shape / posture and so on, are better and to be more valued than others - I forgive myself for never allowing myself to actually question this ideal, and to realize how abusive it is within realizing that all have a different shape / form to their body, thus any idea of ideal is an act of exclusion, and basically simply an opinion, not valid as the reality of life, but simply as an accepted opinion, thus within seeing from my own personal experience, and from the experience of others, the destructive consequences the beauty ideal has on myself and society, I commit myself to let it go, to stop myself from participating within it as an energetic entity within myself. When and as I see myself go into any energetic reaction due to my relationship to the beauty ideal - I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, the actual physical is all shapes and all forms in equality, and thus there cannot be a preferred shape or form to the human physical body.


To be continued


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