Thursday, December 27, 2012

Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1

The point of self acceptance or more accurately the lack of it, is extensive within me. I wrote out the other day in my blog Day 127 – Voices in My head, the back chat that came up within me while I was listening to an Eqafe interview and I noticed that a big portion of it is based on me not accepting myself unconditionally, lots of thought of self judgment coming up as comparison and competition towards others once I've defined them as more than me in one aspect or another in which I have defined and judged myself for lacking in myself, many thoughts of desires as desiring something external to fulfill me to give me a sense of completion, as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself within unconditional self acceptance, as I believe I am lacking and thus require something external, expressed through desires and fantasies, and of course straight forward thoughts of self judgment, actually beating myself up for not standing up as an ideal I have created in my mind.


I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.


An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.


What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.


I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.


But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.


How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.



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