Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Day 128 – Avoiding Decisions

I find that when I am placed with options, making a decision is hard for me. It's hard for a few reasons, I don't want to make the wrong choice, so I will avoid making the decision, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I will avoid making the decision and just wait for circumstances to direct me, I don't want to take responsibility as being accountable for the decision I had made so I will ovoid making the decision and I will pass on the decision to someone else, and so on and so forth.


There are so many points in my day where a direct decision is called for and as many as they are, are number of the excuses of avoidance - I realize this is a point of fear, as if it takes such courage to make a decision and I have been too much of a cowered, afraid of the consequences of the decision I make, but not considering the consequence of not making the decision, the consequence of not taking responsibility, the consequence of being directed by fear of conflict and emotional manipulation, the consequence of not allowing myself to be the directive principle within applying common sense within the principle of equality as what is best for all - instead I have been living that which supports and feeds my fears, as every time I avoid making a decision due to fear I am giving more power to my fears and taking away from my directive power, doing so within justifying it with all sorts of self definitions as I protect the personalities I believe myself to be, as I accept myself as limited to a specific personality, as I suppress myself to such an extent that I don't even know what I would chose if I would allow myself to be free to chose.


People talk about freedom, having free choice - but what choice have I ever utilized if I have always just been following my mind, from one emotional reaction to another, being directed by justifications, beliefs and fears - all within self interest as the interest of the mind, to keep me in the dark, blind to what is here as the physical as life, blind to myself, to keep me believing I am the mind as I identify with the thoughts, emotions and feeling that come up within me but not directly by me, yet I believe them to define me - all so that the mind can go on and survive while I don't allow myself to live. Such a fuck up - and I have been the one allowing it.


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make decisions due to fear, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the fact that I have never made a decision and have always ever only been directed by the mind as a lifeless puppet being told what to do and how to be by my thoughts, within self interest to "feel good" at the expense of not even living. What a price to pay….


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my desire to feel good and thus have always acted within this desire, thus not allowing myself to express myself in any way that might threaten my chances of feeling good, not realizing that not expressing myself is the highest price to pay as I have been paying with my life as who I am, and for what? For a momentary buzz of happiness that eventually goes away leaving me desiring more and more because I have diminished myself once again, suppressed myself once again for the sake of my addiction, leaving me with less than what I had as I have allowed myself to give my power away as the price of a momentary glimpse of happiness, not realizing that true happiness can only exist without fear and as the expression of self as happiness - without allowing myself the freedom of self expression, happiness will always be a fraction, an idea, an attempt, a cheap replacement for the real thing, that can only be achieved through self honesty in every moment


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions within the consideration of pleasing others and not hurting their feelings and thus compromising myself and not considering myself as who I am within self honesty, thus compromising life as I make a statement within my acceptance that I would expect others to compromise themselves for my emotional manipulations as well, and thus I am participating, creating and accepting a world where all compromise themselves and no one lives as who they are in self acceptance and acceptance of others, but a world of limitation, manipulation and compromise, a world of suppression where no one is actually living - I realize that as long as I don't will myself to correct this point I am giving my permission for all suppression to exist as I allow it to exist within me, giving permission to all emotional manipulation to exist as I am participating within it as I allow myself to be manipulated and directed by emotions - is this the world that I want for myself? Is this a world that I can trust to support all living beings? No - this is a world that thrives on self interest and fear - thus to stop this abuse and neglect of life I must start with myself.


I commit myself to investigate any point of avoidance, within investigating the trigger point as the why am I not allowing myself to express myself as the decision, and to walk the correction from self forgiveness into physical practical application


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