Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Day 110 - Avoiding Work

Working - all my life I knew that working is a hassle, no one really wants to work, people work because they have to, and I have been avoiding work all my life, as much as I can, whether it's cleaning my room as a child, or apartment as I grew up, whether it's doing my home work for school, or assignments for university, whether it's holding a nine to five job or any "real" job for that matter, anything that I perceived to be a hassle, not from my own personal experience but from observing others around me as family, friends, television shows - I have tried to avoid, so in essence I never gave myself a chance to see who I am within it, I always simply defined myself within the personality of "I don't like to work".

Since I have defined myself within the "I don't like to work" personality, I have been doing what I can to avoid it, and to do so I have compromised myself, I have participated in manipulations, I have used others to do things for me - within this I expected other to experience it in the same way, so I have been suspicious and judgmental towards others as I perceive them to be avoiding work, cutting corners, slacking off, getting out of the responsibility they should be doing.

When I have been in a working environment I always was alert to make sure I am not being taken advantage of, because that's what people do, as I do, they will manipulate the situation to do as little as possible and then I will be stuck with doing all the work - and this was unacceptable - so I had to be even more manipulative to be sure I am not being coned as I am busy conning the others, to be sure that I am not doing more than anybody else, that we are equal, when in fact I really always made sure that the worst case scenario would be that we do equal work, the better scenario would be that I am the one doing less than others

So, within the belief that working is something that needs to be avoided, as a given fact, I have existed as a neurotic being, living in the anticipation of someone manipulating me and making me do all the work, which I would hate, because that's how it is - "I hate work". So I find myself looking, hunting, to catch others as they slack off and expect me to do the work, as they "innocently" give me more to do while they "sit around" - I have been interpreting people in such a way that would prove me right, I have concluded, without having the full picture, that they are doing exactly that which I would like to do, and then I judge and blame them and resent them for it. Talk about hypocrisy…

The funny thing is, that when I give myself a chance to explore work, I find that I actually enjoy it, when I allow myself to step out of the character of "I don't like working" I find that through working I expand, I'm alive, I'm learning, I'm contributing, I'm in action - I mean, anything can be defined as work, anything that one decides to do, any responsibility one choses to take on, and it's just about how one perceive it once the decision has been made - it can be seen as a hassle or it can be simply done as a decision, without any emotional/energetic charge to it - simply doing what needs to be done, while breathing, and living, and even enjoying it - I mean, if it needs to be done, and if I am going to do it, then I might as well take it in, and enjoy myself - I would be crazy not to, it is insane to do something while going on in my mind about how I am screwed, and how I hate it, and basically to have a pity party in one's mind, instead of being here, in the physical reality, where things need to be done for things to happen, and to enjoy the fact that I can do them, I can contribute - I am a part of this world, I am breathing this air - why would I want to give back whatever and whenever I can?

So, I've been living within an idea that I don't like work and I should try to do as little as possible, and within this I believe everybody wants to do as little as possible so I look for their manipulation, and blame them that every thing they do is to manipulate and get out of doing the work, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that self honestly I am doing that very thing - obviously this has been causing conflict and friction in my life, within myself as an inner experience, and within my relationships, as I have blamed and played the "fare game"

I realize I must align myself with what is best for all life as myself, thus, I need to change my starting point towards work, I realize I have 24 hours in a day no matter what I do in it - what does it matter if I work or sit around or watch a TV series - I am here and breathing through any activity, the only difference between them is a point of preference based on a value system that I have never questioned and simply accepted from my environment - and I've seen that when I stop the back chat about not liking work I find that I actually enjoy working, so I need to clear out the idea of trying to get out of work, to clear out the back chat so that I can be here as I do whatever is required to be done.

Within this, I realize that I have spending lots of time/energy within thoughts trying to figure out what others are doing, how long are they doing it and making sure that I don't do any more than anyone else, and then, when I catch others within what I perceive/interpret to be slacking off, I use it as a justification to slack off myself -"is they are slacking off, why should I do all the work, that's not fare, I'll show them, I won't do as much either" - instead of standing one and equal within myself and honoring myself within the agreement I have made to do the task at hand regardless of what anyone else is doing - it's not about them, it's about me - if I am in a situation that I obviously chose to be in, to honor and respect myself would be to do what I have committed myself to do, and not create back chat which just create conflict and friction within myself and my relationships with those around me- if I've committed to do something then that's what I'll do, even if every one else is not, and if I need to work a little harder or if more time is necessary to complete a task, I'll do it - not because anybody is taking advantage of me, but because I have made a directive decision to do something and I will not dishonor myself as life by not standing one and equal to/as my decision - so I mustn't compare myself and define who I will be according to who others are, especially when I judge them and blame them and basically project all of my shit onto them, and then use my perception of their behavior as justification to do the exact same thing I am judging the for.

I realize that the only way that I will ever live as self honor/respect/dignity is if I actually honor myself and not do that which I judge, live as a living example of "give as you would like to receive", "do onto others as you would like being done onto you", love thy neighbor as yourself" - and it start with honoring my own commitments, towards myself and towards others and simply do what I said I would do, while simply breathing, one breath at a time, and doing what can be done in each breath - no back chat, no energy, no reaction, no judgment, no comparison, no competition, no blame - just living as breath and walking the physical in the most practical way, within directing myself and honoring my own self direction.

Within this construct of not liking to work, there is another point of justification to not enjoying work, and it is within another self created personality, as I have defined myself as someone that likes working together and doesn't like working alone -I realize that this is self limitation - if I am doing something it shouldn't matter what anybody else is doing, yes, it's nice to have company and work together can have it's benefits - working together can be a preference, but that's all it is, a preference, it shouldn't be a point of self limitation as self sabotage - it should direct my experience of myself, I shouldn't allow myself to be directed by a preference - I realize that all it is, is a preference -so when it happens in such a way - cool, but within realizing I am here and stable either way - if I don't get my preference met and I end up working alone, that should be just as cool - nothing of such a sort should move me within energy and reaction, I mustn't allow it to direct me - I have seen and experienced for myself that the outflow of allowing myself to be directed by preferences instead of directing myself as what is best for all within practicality is destructive - why would I allow it?

I will continue with this point in my next blog

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Adele Caskey said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! It sounds like exactly what goes on in my mind as well. And I agree with changing the starting point which is what I am doing also.

Agnieszka said...

very cool character to walk through, thanks Maya


Thank-you for that insight Maya, I have experienced most of the same at times.
Time to "roll up our sleeves" and get the job of change done.

Equal money for all.


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