Monday, December 10, 2012
The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Within taking the responsibility to do something, one must realize all aspects of the task - what I find tends to happen to me, is that I will take on a responsibility, it can be as simple as making a cake as I did the other day, and will not take into consideration all parts of the task from beginning to end. What I find is that I will exhibit a form of "selective memory syndrome" where, when it comes to ending the task, which includes cleaning the mess I've made while making the cake, and cleaning up the cake tray once it's done, I will go into resistance and "forget" that this is actually a integral part of making the cake - within completing the totality of the task.
What I see is that this has to do with accepting the task within a starting point of energy, as an excitement towards making the cake or the specific task at hand, while not actually considering within practicality all the stages necessary to be done - so I will find myself "slaving in the kitchen" to make the cake (even if the cake/task is an easy/simple one) - then once the main part of the task is over, as all the people have eaten the cake, the energetic high will have passed, and there will be no energetic motivation within me to complete the task.
In cases like this what I experience at this point is an expectation that somebody else will do it for me, within a justification of "but I've made it, shouldn't someone else clean it" - well, I have used such an argument many times before, while not allowing myself to see/realize that if I took on myself the responsibility I cannot expect and impose any part of it on anyone else unless it has been agreed upon to begin with.
I see here two main points, the first is going to the task within energy and thus overlooking in practicality what it entails, and then when the "fun part" part is over there is no more energy left to motivate me to move and complete the task, and then I become sluggish and resist doing it, this brings me to the other point, that exists within/as the debt system, where I do not do the task unconditionally but am expecting to get something in return, wither gratitude or in this case, when comes to the parts I don't enjoy, like the end part of cleaning, I turn to the back chat of "they owe me" because I made the cake so someone else must clean after me - "it's only fair…"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do tasks from a starting point of energy instead of making a self directive decision within considering the point in it's entity and not be directed by energy within the expectation for an experience as reward, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to do tasks within the principle of what is best for all and instead have been doing everything from a starting point of self interest as the desire to be rewarded within an energetic experience for doing the task, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually chose/decide to do the task itself, but rather chose/decide to do the task in order to get the energetic rush I have associated with it, and thus have not allowed myself to direct myself but have allowed myself to be a puppet of energy, allowing myself to follow the positive energy feeling regardless of what the task is, kind of like being an energy whore… within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the task I am doing within both not considering all it's parts/aspects and secondly not allowing myself to actually be one with the task, but instead live in separation from the task as myself, and do it from a starting point of separation as getting an external energy as motivation and reward to do it
When and as I am doing a task or am about to do a task, I realign my starting point to make sure I am not doing it from a starting point of self interest as to get any reward as an energetic experience out of it, but rather do it to do it, unconditionally, for free, for the practicality of it being done and for the experience within doing it and while doing not, not as a reward that come later that will then define my success/failure of the task, but as a self expression that is done in the moment and then it is done with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my privet self interest of individuality when I don't consider anything and anyone while present myself as if I do, while everything I do is based in the desire to serve my own interests such as getting an energetic rush for doing something "for others" within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as life, as one and equal to all that is here, and within that to realize that acting from self interest is separating myself from the life within is myself, and thus creating in my life and the world as a whole conflict and friction within living as a "split personality" as the manifestation of separation of self derived from acting from a starting point of self interest, instead of including all life in all my decisions, and walking a path that is best for all and supports all life, and thus in every decision I make, I commit myself to stop and breathe, to investigate the starting point as myself and to correct/align myself as my starting point to that which I best for all within realizing that only that which is best for all is actually best for me as well, thus, when I do a task I realign my starting point to not allow myself to direct myself within/as energy, and within that I slow myself down, I consider all aspects of the task and will myself to complete them all as part of the responsibility I have taken, within building self respect as standing by my decision to do something and do it in completion
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things within a starting point of a debt system where I calculate my actions in relations to what I perceive others are doing, and judge and expect and demand that others pay up their debt that I have created within my mind, with no communication and agreement whatsoever, simply taking for granted that my set of values will be accepted by all and that my self interest will be accepted by all, and within this have not allowed myself to communicate and design a stable relationship with those around me, but simply doing things and then build up expectation that cause friction and conflict in all our worlds, instead of stopping myself within breath, and making sure that any thing I do I do unconditionally, and not expect any thing in return - I realize that if I detect any form of expectation to get anything in return for doing something, I know I have been acting from self interest and thus I commit myself to stop my back chat, and breathe until I have directed and grounded the expectation and can walk stable and do what needs to be done, without expecting anything in return, and within this allow myself to simply walk the task, as myself, to completion, to honor the task as myself as life as a whole and walk all practical physical steps that must be walked
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