Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 127 – Voices in My head

I've been walking this process for some time now, always within a point of doubt towards the possibility and the ability to stop ones thoughts, as I experience them being so many and moving so fast it makes it almost impossible to stop them. So, instead of using the tools as writing and self forgiveness within self trust that only through self dedication will there ever be a chance to start seeing all the thoughts and bringing them to my awareness and investigating their origin point and see why am I holding on to them, as to see what is the point of self interest, and within finding the point allowing myself to let go and stop them, as I stop my participation with them, time after time after time, until their energy runs out - instead of doing this I was enslaved to the idea that it cannot be done, and I haven't even really tried.

A few days ago I realized an interesting point, I was asked what were my thoughts during the day, and my initial response was to come up with two thoughts and then go into a giving up from perspective of "I can't remember all my thoughts, there are too many", but then after a few moment I looked at it again, and I suddenly realized that I've been kidding myself - I don't have a million thoughts, I have about 4-7 main thought categories and they each come up in many different expressions - when I saw this I realized how much time I have wasted due to not allowing myself to simply start my process of investigating the thoughts, because I allowed myself to be enslaved to my fears and beliefs, instead of trusting myself here, and opening up what will come up and not worry about not getting it all NOW, but just starting to walk one thought at a time, I allowed myself to be enslaved to overwhelmingness instead of directing myself to support myself.

I realize my mind is like a big recipe book, where each specific thought is like a recipe. So I have this big heavy book to go through and it seems like it will take forever, but actually the recipes are divided into categories, just as I've seen my thoughts are an expression of a few categories, and many of the recipes have the same ingredients that repeat themselves, just my thoughts are created by energetic reactions as emotions and feelings, so I must allow myself to open the book, and start investigating the recipes one category at a time, one recipe at a time, to see what ingredients create it, as to see what energetic reactions are behind the thoughts, which specific emotions and feelings are creating the thoughts, and then, through self forgiveness correcting the ingredients one by one to align myself a living expression that is best for all, an expression that will support me and manifest a healthy and effective recipe book - to come to a point that all the recipes in the book are the best possible recipes, with the best ingredients possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by overwhelmingness to the extent of not allowing myself to start my process of self support within self investigation in self honesty due to fear of the vastness of the mind, not realizing that the mind is limited from perspective that it feeds me the same train of thoughts over and over and from that perspective, makes it easier to deal with as there are really infinite thoughts but a hand full of categories that are based on the same energetic reactions - thus, I commit myself to start my process of self investigation, I commit myself to dedicate myself to self change within allowing myself to look at the thoughts and within self honesty see where they are coming from and what are they showing me, within allowing myself to let go the self definitions I have created about myself as self limitation, and allow myself to expand beyond what/how I've known myself to be, as self directive principle within understanding that I have been limiting, abusing and compromising myself and all life as myself through accepting and allowing myself to remain enslaved by the mind - it's time to stop - it's time to actually walk this process and clear myself from the preprograming that I have been existing as and to start living as self expression, as life.

Yesterday I was listening to an EQAFE interview and wrote down all the back chat that came up in that one hour, each thought/back chat was unique, as they didn't repeat themselves directly, but I've noticed a few main points/categories that keep coming up over and over, each time they are slightly different, what I find is that most of these points come to my awareness as back chat, as a voice in my head, then if I listen to the voice and give it my attention, I allow myself to get drawn into it, to fall into my mind and create like a movie scene in my imagination where I visualize the scenario, and completely separate myself from what is going on around me here in the physical reality, in many cases I experience it as if I fall a sleep, but I'm not falling a sleep, I am falling into my mind, as I'm allowing myself to follow the back chat into the imagination visualization, and at that point I am not here any more, I am up there in my mind, completely separated, completely lost - the categories I noticed yesterday were:

1. Responsibilities and commitments - all the list of chores haunt me at moments when I am not free to do them, thinking of excuses to why I didn't do them, judging myself for not doing them, thinking of ideas of how I will do them and when

2. Food - specifically when I'm hungry, thoughts about what will I eat, how will I prepare it

3. Appearance - judging my appearance, comparing myself to others, judging others

4. Irritation - reacting to things people say, taking things personally, perceiving others are reacting to me in irritation

5. Movies - replaying scenes from movies or TV series

6. Relationship - fantasize about relationships/sex, thinking of guys I desire, guys I was in relationship with

I commit myself to walk each category, through the practical steps of opening up in writing the specific back chat that come up, and for each back chat to identify the reaction that it holds within it, to identify what is the energy as emotion or feeling within it, to investigate what exactly did I react to, what made me react, what word or movement, something external that I took in from my environment and reacted to, and then ask myself why did I react, what memory do I hold that trigger that reaction, what past experience created this program within me.

Within this I realize that there is no point to take any of this personally as taking it personally is another mind tactic to keep me from actually investigating in self honesty, as taking it personally is within judgment and blame, and thus a barrier from actually seeing it as it is, as a program that I have allowed to run through/in me, but it is not me, it does not define me, it's not who I am, and thus identifying with it, with the back chat with the thoughts, I counter productive - a funny analogy was shared with me, and it really "hit home" - the voices in my head that I identify with, it's like walking into a dark room, and hearing someone speak and believing it is me - what is funny that if I would go into a dark room I would know that I am not the one speaking, I didn't direct myself to speak, I didn't intend myself to speak and thus I didn't speak - but in the mind I allow myself to believe it is me that is thinking all these thoughts, even though I didn't direct myself to think any one of them, I didn't intend to think them, yet I hear them in my head and believe them to be me - it's in sane…

Even as I'm writing I have thoughts as a voice in my head speaking to me - so this is where I am, completely possessed by my mind - and that's all the reason to get in gear and start walking this process because I've had it up to here, and I will not accept this anymore - it doesn't make any sense that I am being directed by a voice in my head, instead of being here as self, as breath, and actually directing myself as the living being that I know I am if I only allow myself to be.

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