Sunday, December 2, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs
Day 104 - Nature reflecting my assertiveness
Day 105 - My relationship with Assertiveness
Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
Within looking at the point of assertiveness and within that, my relationship to assertiveness, I have recognized the following three points as the main "problem points" in my relationship and application of assertiveness:
1. Not allowing myself to be assertive - fear of judgment, fear of criticism - suppressing myself, not allowing myself to express myself here within self trust, not allowing myself to stand as the point within fear, thus being the joker instead, giggling to make it seam less serious, making what I say as a joke to lower expectations, to lower the pressure of the point, to be able to evaluate what others are thinking and only if I see agreement will I then be serious about the point, but if I don't recognize agreement I will leave it as a joke, as if telling the other "don't worry about not agreeing with me, don't worry about hurting my feelings, I was just kidding, it's no big deal" thus dismissing myself and my expression, disregarding my own point of view as if it's not important, not trusting that it has any value, and only accepting it as valuable if others see it as valuable as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged and thus limit myself and my self expression as acting in a way that will cause least conflict, thus not allowing myself to express myself and thus suppress myself in order to maintain my relationships stable, instead of realizing that nothing is worth maintaining at the expense of my self expression, within this realizing that any judgment is never personal but always reflecting the one who is judging, thus if I am faced with judgment it's an opportunity to support another by showing them they are participating in judgment, which is always based on projected self judgment, within this not forgetting/disregarding that if I am reacting to any form of judgment I must investigate myself first, before looking at / supporting others, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the opportunity of expressing myself and facing whatever comes my way within realizing that whatever it is I can handle it through breathing, and whatever reaction come up is another layer of myself I have been hiding from myself yet have allowed to direct me and thus take the opportunity and the responsibility to investigate myself to clear myself from that which has been directing myself and become the self directive principle within/as myself as what is best for all life within equality, practically
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that any fear of judgment is showing me the self judgment I am holding towards myself, and thus, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge/define myself as not being qualified to be taken seriously, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I am speaking seriously and look for the points I wasn't clear on and judge myself for being wrong/stupid, instead of allowing myself to explore the point within self expression, and within the realization that I can learn, change and expand as I walk, and that within self judgment I am limiting myself from expanding because I don't let myself make the mistake that I could then learn from and change and correct myself until I am clear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself as the joker character as a manipulation done within fear of being hurt by what others think/say of me, thus presenting myself as silly and not serious to lower expectations and thus to avoid criticism, as if to say, "I am a joker, don't expect anything serious from me", within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the expression of joy as I have presented myself as joyful and happy when in fact I have been hiding behind that mask, and thus have tainted the joyful expression through "using" as an act and not as self expression, thus I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when I see myself going into the joker/silly/funny character when it is not an actual self expression within self honesty, within this I commit myself to investigate the joker character in more depths as to show myself in what specific situations I go into it, to allow myself to see myself and thus stop myself
2. Being assertive from a starting point of desire to be right, where I express myself with passion to make my point, to be heard, but it is within an energy of desire to be right, desire to prove my point, within the preacher character, as I am trying to show others through knowledge and information what I know, within this I see a point of intelligence, within the value I have given it, thus when it comes to topics I am educated about, and believe my perspective to be the right one, or when I speak about desteni related topics I will become assertive but not within stability but rather within energy, and thus not actually assertive but more manipulative and demanding in a way, I express myself in a confident way to sound smart
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to express myself as assertive within the starting point of the desire to be right, within this expressing myself within energy and not actually being here within stability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my expression to sound smart within the attempt of being assertive within the starting point of desire to be right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself within the desire to be right and thus exchange knowledge and information within the energy of the desire, within this I have not allowed myself to express myself as life within speaking the living word as expressing myself as who I am within what I speak, but instead have painted a picture of knowledge from the starting point of self interest of desire to be right
3. Being assertive within aggression, within this point I find that when I want to make a point, within the self belief of not being assertive, I turn to aggression, as that is the only way to get people to listen, through using force, and thus instead of allowing myself to trust myself within what I say I am expressing self doubt through the need to turn to aggression, thus not only do I not express assertiveness, I am also participating in energy and creating an outflow of consequences for the beings around me and myself as we are all exposed to my aggression which is based in fear of not being heard within the initial starting point of not trusting myself as who I am as self expression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in aggression instead of speaking within a stability as who I am within self trust and to express myself within my words within realizing that I don't have to push or convince anybody to see what I see, all I can do is express myself within the stability of breath, within self honesty, and when they are ready to hear they will hear, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally wither they hear me or not and I haven't allowed myself thus to simply express myself unconditionally because I have been depending on the result as how others will respond to me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to aggression as using force to make people listen and hear me within the idea that I can force someone to see/hear not realizing that it's not my responsibility, but theirs, thus my responsibility is to remain breathing and express myself within self honesty and stability, to live as a living example and not be an example of aggression but one of support
Within seeing the "problem point" as why I am not allowing myself to express myself within assertiveness, I can see the practical correction more clearly, this is thus the process of self honesty, because I cannot be assertive if I am not self honest, assertiveness without any energetic charge to it can only be achieved/applied within self honesty, thus the correction I must walk is clearing myself within and as writing and self forgiveness, to clear the definitions/beliefs I have in regards to myself and the point I am walking/talking about, then, within clearing myself to investigate the point and allow myself to stand as the point, within looking / investigating / seeing it's totality, as not just throwing my opinion in the air assertively, but having a substantial understanding and sharing input that is based on common sense and understanding, and thus show how the point coincide with the principle of what is best for all, speaking within stability, expressing myself as steadfastness, speaking within self trust, and if the point isn't clear and I haven't looked at it's totality - I simply don't speak, and go and investigate the point to get clarity, check what wasn't clear, check where was I holding on to beliefs/opinions/ideas/justification, check my starting point, go through the three "problem points" and make sure I am not participating within one of them, and then start again.
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